In my dreams

A little known fact about me is that when I was younger...pre-kids, pre-husband, I use to day-dream or rather "night-dream" about houses. Not boys or mushy stuff.... houses. That's right. One of the only ways for me to fall asleep at night was to create floor plans. Mansions, houses, cottages, lofts....and then  when I got  a design I particularly liked I'd spend night after night decorating the rooms.

I'll have to ask my Mom, but I think I may have gotten this trait from my Mema? I vaguely remember hearing that she use to do this too...

Anyway, we've recently found a house in San Antonio that we'll most likely rent ( the paper work is just waiting to be signed), and I definitely hope it ends up that way because if we dont then I've wasted a LOT of time! You see, as soon as this house entered my radar as the one we'd probably be living in...my old tendencies kicked back in...you know, the ones I'd lost when I had serious worries to think about at night rather than fanciful dreams...

So, as soon as we decided on the house, and our friends Deb and Bonnie went to look at it and gave it their thumbs up on our behalf, I started piecing together the floor plan by going through the pictures and working out how the rooms probably fit together. And THEN I found this totally awesome app on the ipad that I think is called "room planner" ( I don't have it in front of me).  That allowed me to even put in the dimensions of the rooms and after much scrutinizing of pictures I finally had a floor plan ( minus the bathrooms and the closets in the extra bedrooms...I still havent figured out how they fit) that I think is basically what the house looks like. 

Then once I had my floor plan, it looked rather empty. And this app JUST SO HAPPENED to let you put furniture into the rooms, and it let you change the dimensions of the furniture...and so that's how I ended up running around my house measuring all my furniture, and then inserting it into my make-believe house! Except this time it's supposedly real! Oh what fun! 

Yes, lets just say that's how I spent Tabitha's feeding sessions for about two days straight! I'm definitely excited about a new house to get creative in! I realized that being an Army life has allowed me, in a much more practical, less fanciful, way live out my daydreams...in our five years of marriage we'll have moved 4 times not counting this move and each time I've had to piece together a new home, and I've loved it! Of course this time around I've got a toddler and a 2 month old to contend with so I think the love will be a little less pronounced. For instance, yesterday I had a baby sitter and Brett ( for a little while) at home and I STILL didnt get all the things I wanted to get done accomplished. Seriously. How in the WORLD do people get things done with two children?! Some moms even add work to the equation!! HOW?!?! HOWWWWWW!?! Luckily for me we'll have movers who will pack us and move our stuff otherwise I don't even think this move would be physically possible. Just getting basic prep done for the move is just about maxing me out. That being said, just 3 more weeks in Georgia!! 

Here was the house when I was in the process of moving furniture around....stay tuned for the finish product...and hopefully the real thing ( as long as we survive!)!

( if you click on the plan, it should open up a bigger version, if you're curious)

Something about pride and falling...

Today I had to have a little repenting moment....A baptism if you will. And I say "baptism" because there was a lot of water involved. This was no sprinkling, we're talking a dunking.

Anyway, before I get too carried away in my metaphors, let me just say that I've now been a mother of two by myself for almost two weeks. I've had one or two really bad days, and a bad moment or two pretty much every day ( have I mentioned that Tabitha does not like to be put down when she's awake?! Yeah. Not cool...if anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears...she does not like the vibrating seat that Ransom so adored when he was her age...sigh). But all in all, we've made it unscathed. And I've even kept up a pretty basic routine. And so yesterday I was driving somewhere and I was looking at my clock thinking how I was going to be right on time to keep with my awesome schedule I'd created for myself, and I gave myself a major pat on the back...and then ( here comes the bad part) I started comparing myself to others. I thought about how totally awesome I was and that I was able to arrive to events on time and with two kids in tow, fully clothed, me looking ( sorta kinda) decent, and I thought, "man, I've got this parenting of two thing down pat!" 
  *side note: Lets not even get into the fact that, thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law and terrific friends I've hardly had to make a full meal by myself yet....also, my house...its not exactly what we'd call "clean"....but lets just forget that for the time being...

Then today, I was brought firmly down to earth when I decided to go to our library's storytime in a torrential down pour... As I was driving to the library in the pouring rain I realized that it was a baaad idea ( in fact, I had a hint that it was a bad idea when I was taking Ransom and Tabitha out to the car in stages...getting wetter and wetter as I went...), I started to visualize how we were going to get into the library and every scenario involved badness, yet my pride did not allow me to turn around...and sure enough, it was awful.

And by awful I mean, Tabitha in the stroller with a broken umbrella draped over her, an umbrella that became more and more broken with every new gust of wind, letting in more water....and then me trying to navigate said stroller with one hand while I held my heavy two year old and another umbrella in the other. Ransom kept slipping and the umbrella kept sliding and, well, it was horrible. 

THEN once safely inside the library I figured we were through the worst, but wrong again...Tabitha, who is normally napping during the next hour and a half, had a dirty diaper and woke up crying. So, I grabbed her up, and took her and Ransom into the bathroom in the hopes that I could quickly change her before storytime started....

Hey, have you noticed that there is a healthy echo in public bathrooms?!? Well, THERE IS... and imagine a screaming infant objecting to her diaper change...and now add in a two year old who is objecting to the infant-screams by screaming himself....Yeah. I can imagine that the people clear on the other side of the library were hearing us.

But, we finally wrapped up the diaper experience and headed into story time ( where all the moms looked at me with a mix of horror/disgust and pity. By this time story time had started but Tabitha had NOT stopped crying. And then there was Ransom who was excited about singing the Wheels on the Bus, but who didn't want his mommy to leave the room with his screaming sister...lets just say we were the center of attention yet again....

Ok, that's enough. I'm done with this awful story, but basically the bottom line is that I am NOT a perfect mother of two. I have a LOT to learn, and above all, I must remember that there is no perfect parent and I must extend not only myself but ALL mommies a ton of grace.

One month...and counting.

One month ago today Tabitha entered the world a healthy, teeny tiny little baby. She still is super tiny, but more importantly she's still healthy.

I've wondered a bit about why this last month has been SO. INCREDIBLY. AWFUL. When  it comes to my own health. I've spent at least two days every week at the doctor or dentist this whole month. UNCOOL.
And I've actually wondered whhhhhhy. ( not that there has to be a reason...) to Brett in a very mournful, whiny voice...a voice I'm currently trying to teach Ransom not to use ( so far we have not made any headway...wonder why?)

But then today as I was writing Tabitha's Monthly Letter I wrote almost without thinking that it was so that I'd be continually reminded that she  was still healthy. I can't say that I was continually reminded. There have been many days trying to clothe, feed, entertain and discipline two children that I've forgotten the miracle that is there...but its true. And so in the midst of being sick and bat-bait myself I hope maybe I'll better remember that all those trips to the hospital could have been about her. They could have been for her heart, they could have been us visiting her while she lay in the NICU....But they haven't been. And that almost makes my own little woes worth it.
Sorta.

An open letter...

This is my open letter to the maker of the two baby monitors that live in my home... They are made by the same company, they were roughly the same price and they are technically the same product, one is just discontinued and the other is the "newer" "better" version...
I'm talking about my Summer's Night and Day baby monitors. And in short, new is NOT always better..

I bought my first one back in 2010. It was a Christmas present for my sister, and since we're cool like that, and she bought me the exact same monitor, I fell in love with the monitor within just a few days. The picture quality was amazing, I could watch my child sleep ( or NOT as the case often was) in ease and calm knowing he was perfectly fine. And, even though there was some static ( mostly because we live on a military post where there is plenty of radio waves filler out there) I could still hear him well too. The really great thing was I could also take the baby monitor out to the mailbox, or even downstairs to my neighbors house during nap time and still see Ransom perfectly. The range was EXCELLENT, without any lag time ( which is really important when it comes to surveillance).  I love my monitor so much I bought it for two friends who were about to have their first babies and I recommended it to countless people... Lets just say, if I like you... I don't play coy, I tell evvvvvery body!

And then my second child arrived. Now MOST people just move their baby monitor from they toddlers room to the babies room, but that's not how I roll... I will watch Ransom until he asks me to stop, and even then I'll only CONSIDER stopping ( I'm kidding, but it IS true that I'm not ready to stop just yet). So, I went on amazon and ordered my new monitor.... I had to get a whole new unit because in the two years since I'd gotten my first one a "newer model" had been made and it was not compatible with the older one. THAT was annoying, but I figured, hey...they've got to make their money some how so I figured we'd just go with it for now....BUT THEN I got my new monitor and it was all sleek and smaller. It had buttons instead of scroll on and off dials, and it was missing the antenna. For the brief minute that it was still in the package I liked it better than my old clunky one....BUT THEN I TURNED IT ON.
While the screen seems to be the same size, the clarity that my older model has is just not there on the new one. And while the audio seems a tad bit clearer ( something that I find not important in my small house, where I can hear my children all over the house anyway....) the REAL kicker came when I carried my monitor from my bedroom into the kitchen. WHERE IT WENT OUT OF RANGE.
Now, friends, I do not live in a large house. We're talking smallish to mediumish in size ( those are technical measurements) and I feel like its ONLY reasonable that my baby monitor should at LEAST work within my own home! Forget about the mail box and the neighbors house ( my friends have moved anyway...), but MY OWN KITCHEN?!?? That's necessary! Also, even when I can get it to work in the living room, turn on the microwave in the kitchen and it will stop working.....MEANWHILE my old-school 2010 clunker is plugging away showing me great pictures of my son playing with his stuffed animals in his bed....It seems in my professional opinion that you opted to go with a "fancier" design and gave up on "quality" of the service your product is suppose to give. In my opinion that was a very very bad move.

So, to sum up, Summers....as a Mom when I order a baby monitor I care very little ( within reason) to design and sleekness, and I care a LOT about quality of picture ( since I AM ordering a video monitor from you, after all)...I did not order an iphone from you, I ordered a VIDEO MONITOR so I'll forgive you on design if you just give me practical usability. I'm very disappointed and I'm also living in horror that I've been recommending this product to people over the last year or so when the new model was all that was available and people were BUYING it on my recommendation only to have a sub-par product.  Sorry other new Moms...I'll make it up to you by recommending other things that actually ARE worth getting.

Love, Abigail

Never say never

Never ever make a vow. Or say anything that begins with "This is the last time..."  Or " I'll never..." Because that will NOT work out for you, for INSTANCE:

Lets say after four months of doctors and hospitals and myself and my daughter were free to go, I said one or both...but then, we came home to Georgia and before I had even ENTERED THE HOUSE....I reached my hand into our mail box and was ATTACKED by a BAT!!! Which may or may not have bitten me ( apparently they have very tiny teeth...but are also very dangerous so you have to get the Rabies shot "just in case")

Sooooooo, on my very first day in my home after months and months, I spent the morning in the ER getting 6 shots, which PS was bad, but not as bad as having a baby which I'd done the week before so I was able to compare.....ANYWAYS, I still had a pretty good attitude, I mean there is some humor in getting bit by a bat (?) ...and so I maaaaay have said one of those above sweeping statements about the ER and headed home.....

Only to have to return a few hours later when I got a super high fever and thought I was dying. Turns out it was a UTI. Random. But it may or may not have been caused by all those shots....that has yet to be confirmed....but wait... THERE IS MORE.
So, I have to have FOUR follow up doses of rabies shots, which took me back to the hospital several more times,  and one EXTRA time because for one of my shots the clinic said it would be open but it wasn't so I had to come back the next day...which was awesome, because its super easy for Brett to get away from work to watch our kids!
However, the last dose was on Tuesday and I as I left I let out a huge sigh of relief and thought those dangerous words once more..."THIS HAD TO BE THE LAST TIME, RIGHT?!"

 But THEN right after my last dose I got a SUPER HIGH FEVER AGAIN!!!
Which brings us to yesterday where I thought I would die while taking Tabitha to a planned doctors appointment ( her doctor was so concerned he gave me three Motrin before he would let me leave)...so luckily Brett was able to watch the kids while I went to the hospital clinic and get diagnosed with....Mastitis! Yay!! Another totally awesome thing to have!!

But as I left, I thought YET AGAIN: "Surely this is the last time I will have to be here!!"

But no, tonight, when I was taking my medicine for the mastitis I noticed I was not given the right amount of pills to complete the series... Which means....YUP, you guessed it! Tomorrow I 'll be headed back to the hospital pharmacy to get my prescription sorted out.
But one thing I know for certain, when I leave there tomorrow, I will turn and mentally tell the hospital that I will see it tomorrow...because I've learned my lesson....with me, it's never over.

Edit: oh, and I wrote this whole post and published it and then remembered that in the middle of all that drama I also had the one piece of dental work in my head BREAK OFF so I should also mention I went to the dentist twice.... And who doesn't love THAT?!

A mother of two...

Today Tabitha is 3 weeks old and two days, and I will have my very first day of parenting two children by myself.
I'm glad the day will have finally arrive. It's been hanging over me for much longer than Tabitha has been alive- the fear of being outnumbered by little people...
However, I received a double jogging stroller as a gift ( what amazingly generous friends I have!!) and I now I feel like if worse comes to worse I'll pile both of them into the stroller and we'll walk until my legs fall off or their lungs fall out... Which ever comes first.
So, speaking of my most generous gift... It was not the only one I received! This weekend I was given the sweetest shower for Tabitha, and honestly once again I was overcome by the generosity of others... I kept thinking things like... " this is my second baby! Second babies don't get showers!" But I was SO blessed by the love of my sweet friends and just being able to look around the room at women who I'd so missed living day to day life with over the last four or five months, reminded me again of the larger community that got us through our trial. We were never alone, The Lord really did provide such Help in time of need... So how can I doubt that He can't get me through today on four hours of sleep? ?! Truly minor in comparison. Hehe

Not about babies... Mostly

Today Tabitha is two weeks old. It seems like a lot longer than that. Mostly because I just read in psalms that The Lord "gives sleep to his beloved" and maaaaaan is that a good gift that I'm not receiving right now ;-)

Anyway, when you have a newborn it's hard to think past the next feeding and more importantly the next time you're going to get some sleep. However, there is something else pretty big going on in the Wilson household and I'm pretty excited to tell you the story....

So, this story starts a while ago. Over a year ago. Maybe 2....when Brett went on a prayer walk to seek God about what we should be doing. If I remember correctly Brett was asking more for confirmation regarding what we were already doing, but as it usually is with God, He said what HE wanted to say... And that was regarding the story of Elijah and Elisha and long story short Brett felt like God was telling him that we should follow our friend's Chuck and Deb Wood in their ministry, helping them in their work.
Brett came home and told me. And we discussed what that would probably mean for our future plans....Well, we thought, this must mean we'll be staying in Georgia because that was the Woods' home base, their house was here, Deb's parents were here.... So, I made my peace with more
Georgia in my future ( not my fav)... But not long afterwards we had the Woods over for dinner and Brett told them what God had told him. ( it's kind of awkward to tell someone that God told you to stalk them around, but Chuck and Deb took it well...) and then they told US something equally crazy. The same week God told Brett to follow Chuck wherever he went, God told Chuck to go to San Antonio, Tx. An equally "crazy" request in worldly terms. They were told to get rid of all their possessions, and head to Texas to start from scratch, reaching the city of San Antonio for Jesus.
And so all of a sudden the whole "follow wherever" thing had much more meaning for us!
I must admit I was excited... It was almost like as they said it, my heart said, "of course! THAT'S where we are suppose to go!"

But "going" friends, is much harder than one might think. Especially if you're relying on the Army to send you where you want to go, or more specifically if you want to go to a primarily medical military post and you're an infantry officer. There are just not many jobs there for you! However, we still had all of company command to get through here in Georgia and so our future plans had to take a back burner for a while. But, as we discussed it we realized that if the time came and we weren't offered a job through the Army in SA, then the only thing to do was to get out of the Army and go at it as civilians.

( this was super super scary to me! In so many ways I love the Army and I did not think it was time to leave it... But I tried as best I could to prepare myself for the inevitable...

Then things happened that I never ever expected, we got pregnant. With twins. They were sick... And off to Houston Texas we went..... And during that time Brett gave up his Command early so he could better focus on our family, and we were then faced with the whole " what to do next" thing.
The time had come. San Antonio was calling and normally I would have been FREAKING OUT waiting to see if the Army had a job for Brett there... And I would have spent my time not freaking out looking for civilian jobs for Brett online because, honestly how could we really get one of the few jobs available for an infantry officer there?!
But instead my mind was focused on a little baby, one who still needed medical attention, who we were still trying to keep inside of me...
And you know what? Brett got a job in San Antonio... Without my freakouts and without my needless job searching...there's a lesson there somewhere for a overly obsessive control freak... hmmmm

And, strangely, it may have been largely due to the fact that Tabitha might need extra love and care and where better to get it than the army medical hub? And the Army took that into consideration when making their decisions.
And so, in the end all things did in fact work together to take us exactly where we needed to go.
Did I mention we're probably moving in the middle of March?! And did I mention I have a two year old and a newborn?
It's gonna be awesome around here

Number of days....

So, many of you, if we are facebook friends, know that I started a little project for Tabitha-really for all of us- a month or so ago. Basically, I got the idea while I was wiling away my time in the hospital for a month, to document each day with a picture. I then posted those pictures on instagram with a count "up" of Tabitha's life thus far ( at the time we were just mildly obsessed with her fetal age to say the least). I then decided to take those pictures and make a larger poster for Tabitha's room of all of them combined. A documentation of our journey if you will...or at least the Houston part of our journey. The part where our family was divided. The part where I was in the hospital, and at the Ronald McDonald house, the part where Tabitha was born, the part where we were loved and taken care of by so many, the part where I knitted, made new friends, watched innumerable TV shows on my iPad and ate a lot.

 Anyway, one night I started my project and I did it by making a blank image on photoshop, and I-almost haphazardly-picked a size. 18x24. I then I took each instagram picture, shrunk it to a 2x2 and using the grid function, I placed my pictures....it turned out like this:

(I think this is going to be an awesome visual way to tell various stories

 to our kids about this story in our lives, don't you think?) 

Now, you may notice something here....first of all, take note that the first picture is of Ransom on the plane on our way to Houston. A fitting beginning. You'll also notice the last picture is a picture of Ransom on the plane LEAVING Houston. You may ALSO  notice that the size did not change, and that there are no white spaces. I also did not miss a day or do multiple pictures for any day either....

That's right. My 18x24 poster was the correct size TO. THE. DAY. of when we would leave. There had been a couple of times, when I was adding my pictures that I had pondered what I would do with the blank space at the end...because I just didn't see how I'd possibly fill up the poster ( I really wanted to have the two airplane pictures as bookends.) and had come up with some options to make it aesthetically pleasing when Tabitha arrived at, say, 35 weeks...or 36....or 37....but none of this happened. And when she was finally born, and our flights were booked home, I counted my days and realized that my 18x24 poster of 2x2 pictures, aka 108 days was actually a prophetic hint of just exactly how long we would be on our journey. 

Crazy, huh? 

Epilogue

As you all know, I'm pretty introspective and blogging is one of my major forms of therapy when it comes to dealing with life. And right now I have an actual LIST of blog posts that need to be written. After Ransom was born I wrote a lot while I was nursing, and I also watched a lot of Netflix while I was nursing... And I'm sure that will come with Tabitha too... But honestly, I've spent most of my time just staring at My teeny tiny baby girl. I have done nothing much besides.
But, something happened when Tabitha was about a day old that I think describes my general feeling the last week really really well....
It's important for me to document tha feeling because we got back to Georgia last night and REAL LIFE is about to set in in a major way ( like the fact that I'm writing this in the ER because I may have been bitten by a bat last night... That's right. A bat. Welcome home!! Let the games begin!) and I really want to hold on to the marvel of the end of our journey of having our twins.
As sad as I am about Priscilla, and as much as the grief for her is still a process. The celebration of Tabitha's life is nothing short of pure joy.
When I was still in the hospital, and our many visitors had all dispersed for a few minutes- and even Brett had stepped out to run an errand. I sat holding a post-feed baby. She had nestled into my arm and I was just sitting there thanking God for her Life, when the nurses aid came in to take my blood pressure. As she did her thing she said, "It feels good in here." And I said something about how the air conditioner was on... But she replied that no, it wasnt that. She looked down at us and said, "it feels peaceful."

She was so right. After nights when I literally used up tissue boxes, after being separated as a family for four months, after a month hospital stay and 3 months in the Ronald McDonald house... We are peaceful.
And I've been feeling that peace for days. ( minus our 24 hours in the NICU.. But that's another story). I have been delighting in our little answer to prayer. And how, despite her size. It's really not that little at all.
I am now struggling with the constant need of telling EVERYONE our story, so that EVERYONE will know what God has done for us.
This is a good problem to have.

Tabitha's birth story.

It has been one week since we first experienced the miracle of Tabitha in our lives, so last night while Tabitha was enjoying her four hours of awake time from 1am to 4am- I started writing out the story of how she was born...

I've heard that every birth is unique and no two are the same, but you can't help thinking, after one child, that SURELY it can't be THAT different, all the same components are there, right?!
Wrong. If I hadn't gotten a baby at the end of each experience my mind and body would have a hard time putting the two together at all, they were THAT different!

Without further ado, how Tabitha Lorien came into this world....

It should first be noted that Tabitha WAS going to be induced on Sunday the 7th. Something I reeeeally didn't want I figured my likelihood of having a c-section went way up if I was induced and I really wanted Tabitha to come on her own terms. That being said, I spent the week of Christmas and New Years WILLING myself into having a baby. I did anything ( minus cod liver oil, because...ew) and yet Tabitha did not come. Finally I gave up and resigned myself to an induction. On Friday, Brett, Ransom and I, all went in for my very last biophysical profile ultrasound and nonstress test. Tabitha did great and I said goodbye to all the nurses who'd seen me three times a week for a month ( and tons before that...) then Brett and Ransom and I spent the day together. We ate at the Black Walnut cafe for dinner and Ransom was horribly behaved ( we're talking spanking in the bathroom bad), but we put him in the stroller after dinner and walked the block or so it takes to get to the Chocolate Bar and bought a piece of their giant chocolate cake to go. My sweet friend Melinda had brought us a piece before Christmas and it was AH-mazing ...so much so I had been wanting another piece ever since! We then headed home to the Ronald McDonald House where Ransom had to have a come to Jesus moment where we informed him he couldn't ask for "water!" Every five seconds after being put to bed. He responded with tears of repentance. (Minus the repentance part). Finally around 8:30, we ate our amazing cake and read a little bit of the book Heidi out loud ( Brett never read it as a kid, probably because Heidi was a girl and he didnt read "girl books" a MAJOR misstep if you ask me...so I've slowly been rectifying his early sexist ways now that he's an adult..) then off to bed.

Around 3:30am, I was awakened by my water breaking. Just a little bit, enough to get me out of bed to investigate and then waaaay more to confirm that, yes, that wasnt a weird dream.
I then texted my parents and my sister because I wanted them to have a head start... Then I calmly woke up Brett and told him what had happened. He then called his mom and we implemented the plan that we had argued about a few days before... The "what to do with sleeping Ransom if I go into labor in the middle of the night." I had INSISTED that Ransom did not need to be awoken and dragged to the hospital so now the question was who to watch him at 4:00am until my family arrived.... It ended up being a Ronald McDonald Mom who was (strangely) awake and playing on her iPad outside her bedroom. We prevailed upon her to watch the baby monitor till my parents arrived and off we went to the hospital. All this was done calmly and without much drama because even though my water broke I wasn't having any contractions. In fact, when I called the hospital saying I was coming in, the resident doctor was incredulous that my water had actually broken. "Well, come on in and IF your water has ACTUALLY broken.." To which I kind of laughed, because I still don't see how you'd mistake something like that... And then the doctor realized she'd been rude and tried to tell me how she'd delivered 4 babies that night or something...But, like I said, I hadn't had any contractions yet -so lucky her I wasn't super annoyed.

At the hospital we got checked into triage and I was relieved to see that Tabitha's heart was doing great and she didnt seem to be in any distress! This was good because we got a call from the lady at the Ronald McDonald house saying Ransom had woken up ( I'm guessing he'd rolled
over in his sleep and she'd jumped the gun...) so Brett went back to wait for my parents and to put Ransom back to sleep ( it was about 5am at this point).
When they checked me when I arrived at the hospital I was about 4cm-which, considering I'd been having pretty serious contractions for almost 12 hours with Ransom and I was only a 3...I was shocked! I hadn't even had any seriously painful contractions yet!
But they set me up in labor and delivery and I started feeling the contractions more and more and by the time Brett and my Mom and sister arrived around 6:30 I was definitely feeling them pretty strongly. But I was still able to talk through them and figured I still had a way to go ( once again I was comparing to my previous delivery on how much pain I had been in). But, when they checked my cervix again, I was at 7cm!! I was SHOCKED. But, definitely excited that things were moving so fast!
I also started discussing getting an epidural ( something I really wanted because, somehow the thought of delivering two babies... No matter how small Priscilla may be, just seemed easier with drugs) and I told my sister and mom that I would wait till after shift change ( it was 7am by then)...however, Anna has had a fast delivery before and she pushed it a little bit knowing that my pain level and the fastness of my contractions was steadily increasing. Boy am I glad she did!! By the time I got the epidural I think I was actually past transition ( and the doctor who did it warned me that it probably wouldn't be in full effect before I delivered!) sure enough, I was in more and more pain and the nurses were discussing bringing the doctor back in when I told them they had better check me again before doing anything. And sure enough... I was a full 10cm! I had to literally wait to push for Dr. Ruano to arrive!!! ( it was very important to me that he deliver the girls and I'm so very glad he made it!)

Once again things were sooo different from Ransom's delivery where I just had a midwife and a nurse and Brett with me, this time I had two doctors, their attending nurse, two nurses on one side of me and Brett and my mom on the other... Plus a good 8 people who were the nurses and doctors there to assess Tabitha once she was born ( believe me I did not begrudge one person in that room!!! They were all important). The other marked difference in delivery is than while I got an epidural with Ransom when I was 8cm and hadn't progressed in two hours, I had time for a full on nap before I woke up and was ready to push. With Tabitha, I got one when I was around 7cm and was pushing her out within the hour... And it had NOT taken its effect! Ring of fire indeed! It probably only took about 15 minutes all told in pushing but it felt like an eternity ( also in comparison to the two pushes that got my "giant" 8lb baby out two years before... Go figure). Anyway, I am grateful that the epidural did start to work for the afterbirth and the birth of Priscilla. I had decided I didn't want to see her knowing that seeing her on ultrasound after her passing was hard enough) , and after asking Dr.Ruano what her condition was and his advice to Brett, Brett decided the same. I am so glad she was wrapped in her special blanket I made for her and I know that she will always have our love and a major roll in the story of her sister's life as well as our own...
The longest half second in the world was the half second after Tabitha was born and she let out a cry. I think I still had so much fear wrapped up in her birth, and while it was TERRIBLY hard to have her immediately whisked to the other side of the room for assessment I was grateful we had a team of doctors there to check her over. And when we did finally get to hold her ( and it probably wasnt even that long) she opened her eyes and looked at me and Brett for longest time and we all fell in love. Tabitha, our little miracle baby born at 9:33 on 01/05/13 at 5lbs and 7 oz, 18 inches long.
When Ransom was born, and the nurse called out the time of 14:21 as time of birth, we immediately looked at each other and knew we were claiming John 14:21 as Ransom's birth verse. With Tabitha we once again found ourselves in John 9:33... Especially since the story of the blind man who is healed spoke to me during this experience. But in verse 33 the man who was no longer blind told the Pharisee's that someone who could heal someone like him must be God. In the same way we acknowledge that even a room full of doctors could not heal Tabitha's heart to the point that she does not need any of the many surgeries projected for her future. Those doctors and all their medicine could not keep her from delivering till full term, or give her a perfectly healthy uncomplicated delivery. Only someone who must be the Christ....

A new thought process

It's been a while since my last post, mostly because for a while all my thoughts were bent upon Brett and Ransom coming to be with me, and no one needs to hear a constant "ImissthemImissthemImissthem!" diatribe from me...but then, when they did arrive life has been so much less solitary that I've enjoyed the time away from the Internet....turns out I wasn't addicted to the Internet, just people...and once I had people in REAL life I needed a lot less Internet time, go figure. ;-)
That being said, I've been so incredibly blessed by all the Christmas cards, and notes and messages from all the wonderful ones out there praying for us, I can't help but want to update you!

My thoughts of late consist of me praying that Tabitha would just COME ALREADY! First, my grandmother passed away on December 16th. She had pretty severe dementia and I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is so much happier in her house The Lord prepared for her, but at the same time, her passing made me miss all the many good qualities that she had: A quick wit, a ( often hilarious to those who knew her) very big imagination, a large knowledge of scripture that she passed on to her girls, who then passed it on to their children...and well, having THAT kind of a legacy is important and worth celebrating . And it made me re-think my stance on Christmas birthdays ( her birthday was Christmas Day). But, alas, Tabitha did not come on her namesakes b-day ( Tabitha Trott's birthday is on the 24th) OR my grandmothers...and she's still in there now. And even though I half pleaded with my Doctors at my appointment yesterday to move it up, they 've stuck with an induction date of January 7th. Not the greatest date for many reasons...mostly because Brett will be going into the "hole" as far as vacation days at that point, but also because I want to Go. Home. So. Badly.
However, and I do agree with this, it really WOULD be a lot better for Tabitha if she had a natural labor, and birth and those things are just, well, better naturally...so we wait, and I walk up and down stairs and make Brett give me foot massages ( my current favorite of the natural remedies), and all other things that make one go into labor...because, like I said, I am SOOOO OVER THIS.

Yet, every time I pray for God to have her come today, I also say a prayer of thanksgiving that I'm even entertaining such thoughts!!! How glorious that my prayers for this baby have come so far that now I actually WANT her to come out! That we're dealing with normal pregnancy stuff, and besides her needing to be treated with some kid-gloves during delivery and maybe a little after, she is healthy! And she's...wait for it....officially FULL TERM! (!!!!!!!!!) All my impatience aside, I am so very thankful and blessed and I know this stories happy ending is nothing to be taken lightly. 2012 has held a huge miracle and for that I still marvel.

But for now, can we all just agree to pray that Tabitha comes soon? I'm doing my part...we're taking Ransom to the natural history museum ( it's free Thursday afternoons) after his nap today and I'll be walking until my legs fall off...

Hearing

My thoughts are all jumbled up this morning. And writing a blog post seemed like a good idea. But, there's a part of me, the teeny tiny writer part of me ( its tiny, because I do not consider myself much of a writer...hahaha...I'm more of a talker who just writes down the talking words when there's no one around to listen.). Anyway, there's the tiny English Major part of me that is annoyed that my thoughts are so jumbled. And I'd rather just wait till my thoughts make more sense and then write them down. But you know what, I'm not sure if the things that are jumbled in my mind right now will ever make sense.....I mean, will the things of this Fallen World ever make sense? Depression, Sin, Death. I am at such a great loss when faced with them in such a striking way as this particular week has brought about-both on a grand scale ( the school shooting in CT) or a more personal level ( the phonecalls and text messages this week have been so full of heartache)...

And then in my quiet time this morning, ( I've been reading the Christmas Story in all the gospels this week...) I read this: 

 But the angel said to ( Zechariah), "Do not be afraid, Zechariah, for your prayer has been heard, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John..." 

I suppose that helped me because, knowing that Zechariah was really old at this point, I really really doubt he'd prayed for children for a long time. I bet that particular prayer had passed away with the years and the grey hairs and the test of time. But, the Lord had not forgotten. To Him that prayer was as fresh as the first day it had first been prayed. And I find such comfort in knowing that even when I am not faithful enough to keep praying, or when I do not believe enough in His Greatness to answer any and all the prayers of our hearts, or when my heart is just too grieved and hurt to put the longings of my heart into words....those prayers are heard. They are heard and treasured up. Today as I think of the suffering this World seems to afford in unspeakably large quantities, I must remember that the Lord's promises stand firm. Our prayers. They are heard. 

For nothing will be impossible with God.... 

.....He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.....

....Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill will be made low, the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places made smooth....  

Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine....

No accident

Today I am 35 weeks pregnant. We NEVER thought we'd get this far. No one did. But last week my nurse told me that the doctors had the "long term plan" of inducing at 39 weeks if she had not come before then. 39 weeks(!!!)
Instead of thinking about other things ( more positive things) instead, I could only think about another month here...A. whole. Month. Boooooo

Last week was probably one of the hardest weeks I've had for various reasons. Being separated from Brett and Ransom has been so very difficult and I think I lost sight of my forest due to some large trees that had their names on them. But, all the difficultly aside I was given a few little reminders a long the way, and while it took a while, I'm coming around to seeing my miraculous forest again....

First of all, Tabitha's heart has made such incredible strides. Miraculous strides, the fact that she has been slowly but surely healing from all that she went through- at one point she had no kidney function, zero bladder to speak of, and her other organs were close to shutting down, then her heart...the doctors sat us down for one of those awful awful chats where they tell you things do not look good...and they didn't...But, she's come through all that, and it is in a word, incredible. The fact that doctors do not think she will need to be in the specialized NICU when she is born is downright, MIND BLOWING. And I must not forget that this is an actual miracle. The prayers of so many have been answered and I never want to forget that. Instead of focusing on the possible negative, I need to just embrace the truth that it is NOT normal for a Twin-to-twin baby to recover so well...

Secondly, 35 weeks. Ummmm crazy pills! When I think back to being in labor on a plane coming to Houston for this surgery, then all the near misses, including a month in the hospital and a trip to L&D all after the surgery. And yet, the fact that Tabitha did not see Thanksgiving and it's highly likely she will of see Christmas ( and so help me, this next thought is still not one that makes me happy...) she might not even see New Years 2013 because she's still hold up in my uterus....well, that's also nothing short of a miracle. Since I already used the word uterus I'll go ahead and say, if you could SEE how teeny tiny my cervix is you would be as shocked as my doctors and I are.

But then, aside from Tabitha and my pregnancy I am really and truly grateful for my time in the hospital when I learned all sorts of things about what it's like to BE in the hospital for a long period of time. I hope that I will have a better compassion and understanding for others going through similar circumstances. And now at the Ronald McDonald house I have learned even more about what Man can go through to fight for life, to fight through hardship, to fight for hope. This last week I watched one of my new friends say goodbye to her week old baby boy. It was incredibly difficult and I sobbed as I did my laundry thinking about her heart break. I've also been able to have some good and honest chats with my other new friend Jane, who is here walking through the unspeakably difficult road of chemo and radiation for her only son, KJ's brain tumor. He's 11 and his faith in the Lord and his positive attitude is literally a walking object lesson of the Grace of God. It is starkly in contrast to others in the house who are full of bitterness and hardness...but can I blame them? The difference, though, is clearly there and I'm learning a lot about those differences. The differences in how people treat one another and how they treat themselves. I have never felt so strongly my own need and all our needs for a Faith and a Hope in The Lord Jesus....

So, this weekend Brett surprised me with a last minute trip to Texas, he even made a late night ( 2am!) drive to Nacogdoches so that he could bring Ransom down in the morning for visit too. And, do to colds on Ransom and my part, we spent more time outside the Ronald McDonald house, train rides in the park, trips to Barnes and Noble. It was so incredibly helpful to my heart to be a little "normal" family for a minute or two. Once again, as I've said on this blog before, I was even more aware of the need to get out of the "bubble" and how much I feel for those who are in the same illness bubble and who don't have the luxury to get out of it any time soon... These are the lessons I keep learning, and that I apparently have a few more weeks to learn.
And so here's to week 35. A week I never thought I'd see...and yet I am grateful for what seeing has taught me.

Happy Pictures

It's only fair that after Sunday's diatribe I return with a bit more cheer... 

I am currently stuck in my room with a head-cold ( I'm particularly aware of my contagious nature because of my sweet little friends who live here at the Ronald McDonald house. The LAST thing I would ever want to do is give someone with a low white cell count a cold).  

Luckily my wonderful father got my computer fixed for me and returned it to me yesterday! I'm excited because, while my iPad rocks my world, my computer has something special. It has 79,389 pictures on it. Yup. That's right. From 2006 straight on until 2012 that's how many pictures I've taken and kept. Luckily before my computer completely bit the dust, I backed it all up on an external hard drive and luckily that worked and I am now back in the company of pictures...

So, even though it seems like a world away, I will share pictures that make me happy: 

Uh-oh

Yup, it's a Sunday and I'm posting again. Really these should be the BEST days for me to post, right?! Another week down and all that jazz....but as I've said before I inexplicably forget the positive and can't see the forest for the trees on Sundays.

I just went through an entire box of tissues in one of those totally awesome sob fests where you look like a cross between Emma Thompson in Sense and Sensibility when she fiiiinally cries at the end ( but that's technically a "happy cry" so we cross it with...Kim Kardashian crying when she gets a divorce after only 72 days.. The. worst. Ugly. cry. ever. And yes, I just put a classic movie and reality TV together in one sentence.

Honestly, I am telling myself that I am writing tonight's post as some sort of trout to "honesty" blogging where I never give the impression that I have my life together, but in reality I am blogging for therapy. Therapy blogging. It's free. If you don't want to hear my complaining come back at my next post...

Complaints begin here:
I am so so so tired of living here. I'm tired of having zero semblance of control of my life. I can neither be a good mom or a good wife on a daily basis. On one hand I'm so grateful that my parents are such great parents and are fully capable of caring for my son, but a part of me smarts that he relies so greatly on them for his "parenting needs" even when he's visiting me. It's humbling.
And as for my wife skills. They basically consist of paying our bills online. And you can imagine how great THAT'S turning out for me....

I'm tired of living in this one depressing room and missing my Christmas tree. Have I told you how much I love my Christmas tree?! I bought it three years ago with my birthday money. It's pre-lit and it has holly berries in it. To all those people who are stark "real tree people" I say come over and look at my tree when it's all decorated and I've lit a Yankee Candle "Christmas tree" candle and TELL ME it's not awesome. Of course, none of you dare speak against my tree now, especially since I'm likely to break into my Emmadasian cry...but whatevs. I know my tree is great and I am really missing it. I miss sitting in the dark with only the tree lights on....it makes every night from Thanksgiving till New Years festive.

I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm in that totally awesome really fat phase where even maternity clothes look at you and laugh. That phase where people say "you're glowing" because "glistening with sweat" doesn't sound as nice. I'm in this awesome place where my doctors ask me how much weight I've gained and I lie about all the Christmas cookies I've eaten at the Ronald McDonald house. I daydream about going for runs and being able to see my feet.

I'm tired of being scared of Tabitha's arrival because I do not know how it's going to turn out. I do not know whether our future is full of joy or full of more sorrow....I am tired of being mad at myself for wanting this to all "get over with" because I know that me staying pregnant is really what is best for her.

I'm just so tired.

Oh, hey, it should be noted that I think I'm coming down with a cold. I have a sore throat and on top of that my left side has been hurting like the dickens since last night ( meaning I didn't sleep much). And it's Sunday. So tomorrow will be better....

( here comes the part where I end on a positive note:)

And guess what?! We made it to 34 weeks!! This is SO CRAZY! I don't think aaannnnnyone thought I was going to make it to 34 weeks. Not me, not my family, not my doctors. Tabitha is a little miracle plain and simple and I rejoice in the blessings of her crazy kicking in my stomach right now. I am thankful for how she has recovered in such miraculous ways, it's hard to even remember when she was quite literally stuck in a corner (insert bad Dirty Dancing joke here) and most of her organs had completely shut down. This baby is a gift. I am so thankful for her in every way right down to this journey that her life has put me on. Little girl, your story has a great prologue.

So here's to three more weeks at least. And since the last 5 months of drama are behind us, that shouldn't be too hard....right?

I'll probably need more tissues though.

These little ones

Thanksgiving/birthday was really a great celebration. We were flooded by love from friends and family and for a few days, getting to stay in a nice hotel and talk about other things, I got to momentarily forget our current circumstances. I felt like a normal pregnant waiting to have a baby in the coming months...

In those moments of forgetfulness I hope I gained some perspective that there is life outside of these circumstances, and there will be life again...I will ( hopefully!) one day be the sleep-deprived, frazzled mother of two and I will be able to decorate my house for Christmas and plan Holiday menus. These things are not over forever, just for a little while. And in return for the "break" from a normal life I am getting to learn from others who are in a bubble like our own. A bubble of hospitals, doctors, statistics, fears, hopes and unknowns. These are lessons I hope are written on my heart forever.

Today I struggled to write about some of the people I have met here, I have prayed for more little ones who are suffering and fighting harder than most adults that I know than I ever have before. One day I hope to share some of their stories here, but until then can I just say that I am grateful for the opportunity to know them.

A thousand years

This week has seemed longer than normal. Probably because I'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving. The Abt side of the family is making a major effort and all descending on Houston so that we can all have some time together. I'm way excited about it. Cousins and nieces and sisters and parents and aunts and uncles!! Plus time with Brett and Ransom, plus getting to stay in a hotel for a night ( not that I don't appreciate the McDs House...but sometimes a girl needs some "comforts") and celebrating my 29th birthday. Yes, I'm sure my excitement is making the days go by slower. But then there's also the reaching of the 32 week mark in this pregnancy which we did on Sunday. Wowzers.
I can't believe we made it this far! And I can't believe we're talking the long hail now....another whole month? The thought is both exciting and mindblowingly long.

But, I was reading on Sunday and I came to this passage in John 9:

As ( Jesus) passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. (John 9:1-3 ESV)


At first the passage struck me because of a conversation Brett and I had right after we found out we lost Priscilla and we were hit with awful thoughts like, "Did this happen because we didn't pray hard enough? Or because we did something wrong?"
Maybe that's just us, but such "what if" thoughts are bound to hit you in times like that and I think this passage spoke to that in me. Realizing that bad things happen to "good" people....

But then, I read the passage again and realized there was so much more there. Here's a guy who had been BLIND for his whole life! He's childhood. His adolescence. His adulthood. Blind, blind, blind. How awful! And here is Jesus saying that it was all so that God might be displayed in him.
Of course, we know that this statement was followed by the remarkable healing of the man's eyes. And as a Bible reader I've always focused on that, I've taken it at face value...yup, here's a dude who was born blind so that one day, many many years later Jesus could give him sight. Yay!

But, whoa! How totally crazy is that?! Years and years of suffering for a miracle? Is it all worth it? And the answer is,a resounding "yes."

But even though the answer is yes, I know that I need help in my own heart to believe that for my own life. It's easy to say someone else's suffering is "worth it" for some remarkable story of God's working...but what about for myself? Can I have the faithfulness and patience to believe that all that has happened and what we continue to face is all working together for something that, one day, will be altogether worth it?

In 2 Peter 3:8 it says :

‘But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.’

So, the bottom line is that I can wait one more month for my daughter to be born. I can wait one more day. I can also wait an even longer time to see how her life, and even her sister's life and death will impact the world. How our family will be forever changed by this season and how, hopefully, prayerfully,I will believe the promise that "the work of God might be displayed in us." Will indeed come about.

An Example

At the end of August 2011, Ransom was barely 1 year old ( and not even walking, bless him), I was just starting to feel like a "human being" again and not a crazed new mom ( yes, it took a year...), and Brett had just taken on the job of Company Commander.

Probably to most of my readers that job title means very little. It really didn't mean much to me either, I mean, I knew it was a big deal and something that Brett really felt like he needed to do. I knew that he'd be responsible for the jobs and lives of 150 or so soldiers. I knew that when Brett and I got married and I was a green little lieutenant's wife, I was totally intimidated by Brett's Company Commander so there was that....haha! But really, I didn't know what the job entailed. But boy I learned quickly! That very first weekend, in fact, when Brett was called into work at 3am and then was gone most of the weekend dealing with some Company Issue, I began to learn what it meant..and thus it began....

Today, I sat and looked at a picture of Brett and I at that Command Ceremony when he took that job and I couldn't help but smile at how rested we looked! How much younger! If only we had a comparison picture! But that brings me to today....

Here in the middle of November 2012, Ransom is a few months past his 2nd birthday, he's a running, paragraph-talking, ball of energy. I am a huge pregnant Momma stuck in a Ronald McDonald House in Houston Tx, and Brett just gave up his Company Commander duties today....several months earlier than planned.
So much has changed. We have changed. And today, Brett put into action what he believes. He believes in putting his family first, before his career success, before the United States Army, before any of the things that the World would look at him and judge him "successful".

It's hard to explain what the last year has taught me about my husband, because I'd have to tell you about the long hours, the pressure of his higher up and the pressure he put on himself. I'd have to tell you about the crazy things I've seen ( I could tell you some stories...) that go on in the Army. I'd have to explain what all those late night phone calls were about or how many weekend dates were spoiled by something urgent that needed to be dealt with right then, there is so much I'd have to explain. So, instead you'll just have to believe me when I say: My husband is strong. My husband is infinitely caring. My husband is full of integrity. My husband is incredibly humble.

I know these things to be true because I have seen him go without food, without sleep, without any rest for the sake of his men. And then, on top of that, in the last few months I have seen him up that game by adding in the craziness that is our Life right now.... For a good month he would come home from his 24/7/365 job and take care of Ransom and our home when I was unable to do anything. And then I saw him drop everything, leaving in the middle of a training exercise, and fly to Houston with me where we had emergency surgery for the sake of our twins, mourned the loss of a daughter and then returned to his job in Georgia. And then over the last two months he has been traveling back and forth, usually taking red-eye flights, between Georgia and Texas, doing more than one person really ever should.

So, to say that I am glad this season of our life is over, is well, an understatement. I am glad that, hopefully some of the responsibilities Brett has taken on, will finally be lifted. But, while I am SO glad to put this season behind us, I am also aware of how it must feel for Brett to have to give, something that he's worked so incredibly hard for, up before we were expecting. Because there is one other thing I know: My husband is a perfectionist.
And I know it'll be hard for him to let go of all the things he's been working on for the last 14 months. And I know that being "just Captain Wilson" again will be an adjustment.

So I will say it again, I am blessed and beyond grateful for a husband that puts me and our children above the passing things of this life. We will one day look back on this Season of our lives and we will see so many things working for Good...but I think we will also be able to see the affects of our decisions because of our circumstances. Things like coming to Texas, doing the laser surgery in the hopes of saving our girls, coming back to Texas to give Tabitha the best chances, having our families take on the responsibility of taking care of Ransom for us so that he has some stability, and now Brett giving up his Command....I hope our children will see that each of these decisions were made for their good and because we were doing our best to follow Christ's example. Because that's the other thing I know: My husband is living for Christ and His sacrifice for us.
Not in our own strength, but in Christ's alone, were we able to get through these last 14 months, and particularly these last 2 months. Today I celebrate that fact.

Desert Days

There is a clear pattern to my Bad Days. They coincide directly with having to say goodbye to Ransom, or Brett...or both. It's pretty cut and dry and I know I don't have to explain why it's hard to pull it back together again and re-focus on why in the world we are doing this, but for some reason those bad days still shake me a bit.

Today, Tabitha had a really good doctors visit and so did I. We both passed every test with flying colors and my Doctors were so optimistic they were throwing around things like "37 weeks" and other such crazy full term words. And I promise that was great news to hear considering what we've been through, but at the same time my heart was still stinging from my most recent goodby with my son and my heart was also preparing for my goodbye with Brett and so there was a part of me, a major part of me that was thinking...really?! Six more weeks? I. Can't. Do. It.

Awful, I know. How can I not want that for my daughter? But for now I will allow myself a little awfulness and know that tomorrow will be a little better. The sting of my goodbyes will be a little further behind, and the happiness of their next visits will be a little bit closer.

Because really last week could have been the worst, I was "by myself" for the first time in months and I was wondering how all the downtime (aka time to think) would affect me...but honestly it was good, I actually met people, I heard people's stories, I listened to their troubles ( and let me tell you, here people have Real Troubles) and I told our Story. I told about the miracle of Tabitha and the testimony of Priscilla. I am thankful for that and I realize that these are not little things. The walk through the desert is not JUST about getting to the other side, but it's also about the desert itself. I'm hoping it won't be for 40 years or anything dramatic like that,  but I do hope I can remember that even in the desert days we have a chance to wake up and do something worth while with that day.

Ungrateful

This week I cannot have a baby. Tabitha must stay well and truly inside. I mean, I'd probably go ahead and say that anyway because I really, really want to make it to 32 weeks...but I say it even more emphatically because this week I do not have anyone to "look after me".

I feel like such a big girl ;-) hahaha! But seriously, I feel like its now or never when it comes to not needing a babysitter. According to my doctors and my own personal opinion regarding my body, I think Tabitha and I are really hanging in there right now. But, of course, the odds of that continuing decrease with each passing week so this is my week.

 My week of it being just me ( and Tabitha). Chillin' at the Ronald McDonald House. Or, as Ransom calls it: The Ol' MacDonald House.

He loved it here. And it's honestly so hard waiting until next weekend for his next visit ( this weekends visit was cut short because he had a really bad cold and got a fever, meaning he had to leave....we wouldn't want to give any kids here a cold...especially when it could be super dangerous for them.) This place is made to make kids happy...the totally cool indoor playhouse...the large supply of tricycles outside....the large selection of baked goods ( oh wait, that is why I like it here.). Basically everything here reminds me of Ransom....

So, this week I do have a couple of things I need to do, some "army wife" business that I've been putting off, a lot more Thank you notes to send....I need to do some knitting, I should repaint my nails....and I say all this because what I want to do is blob out in front of my iPad watching something on TV....BUT THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. 

And now you will learn what a terribly ungrateful person I am:

Sure. This place is $25 a day and run my volunteers, and sure even MORE volunteers bring us meals sometimes twice a day....but I NEED INTERNET ACCESS. 

When I first got here it worked in my room, but would get spotty late in the evening. 

By my third night here it stopped working at ALL in my room. Or even on any floor other than the ground floor. 

THEN today it got worse, and now it only works very very slowly in the lobby, meaning I can no longer watch any TV shows via streaming. I also can no longer download any movies on iTunes and go watch them in my room later....

Do you see the pattern?! If you stop hearing from me it'll probably be because tomorrow there will be no Internet at all. THEN I WILL DIE. 

Clearly I should be learning a valuable lesson right now, but I can't. I've learned too many lessons lately and I am PLUM OUT of growing as a person. I mean, I need at least this one flaw (ok. There is more that one...)!!! Don't you all think I am more interesting because I like to read US Weekly on the sly, or I know what's going on with the Kardashians or I really really like the shows Revenge and Once Upon A Time and want to watch them on Mondays?! That's what I thought!