foggy with a chance of rain

excerpts from my journal:

The words " Lord, please use me." are not in the Bible. This makes sense because the Lord WILL use us if we are only walking in His way, ready for His direction...

I am afraid I will not be usable.
I am afraid I will act in my own strength.

What is UP with me at the moment? I feel so very out of place even with myself.

"I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now"-MercyMe

A Shout out to NZ

After I leave...all the good stuff happens!

TGIF

This week has been soooo sloooowwwww.

I have the weekend off. Amy's in town. WOO.

stuck in the middle...with you.

Surely there is SOME story that I have been saving up to tell you about when I had the time! Well, here I am with the time...and no story.

BOO!

I will tell you how totally cool last night was. I think it is really awesome that the kids ( sic) at church have decided to get together after church on Wednesday nights...last night it was once again a wide range of ages and people...I think it was a good 8 year gap from the 24 to 16- yet I have to say it was really amazing and totally humbling to listen to these "younger less experienced" people rip out some amazing thoughts and an incredible knowledge of their bibles...I dont know about Thomas, but *i* was totally impressed...

A teeny tiny secret on my part is that I have really been praying that I would be able to get to know the high schoolers at my church better, I have always had a soft spot for most of them...having spent a good bit of time with many of them when they were really little. I think there is this tendency to then keep them as a two year old in your head for a reeeally long time. So, I wanted to get to know them again...but its hard to presume that THEY will want to talk to YOU..and besides I didnt really know what I would have to share with them once they DO talk to me..
I gotta say, after last night...it looks like THEY will probably teach ME more...i can only hope they will keep letting me hang out with them sometimes.

Boy, I have such a weird social setting...on one side I sometimes hang out with the "older kids" meaning my sister and the mid-twenties crowd...and then, now, I want to hang out with the teenagers. *sigh*
I feel sorta out of place in both.
i guess that's what happens when there are no kids your own age to play with ;-)

AHHHHHH!

I am happy. Reason:

I didnt have to work today.
I slept till 8:45 and woke up all by myself meaning that it got enough sleep and yet I dont feel like I "wasted the day".
My papa made me a reeeeally yummy piece of toast ( it has leftover icing from Anna's famous birthday cake on it!)
I wrote a letter to Kristy...which made me think about her and miss her...in a good "bittersweet" sorta way.
I went to Wal Mart ( which I had been dreading) but I got everything I needed AND didnt run into anyone I knew and I didnt have to wait in lines ( I LOVE self-checkout!)
I saw Katie and Brad at Javs and I set a date with Katie for tomorrow night....
I am FINALLY getting to sit in the new "comfy/styley" chairs at Java Jacks...they are usually occupied..
I am sitting here in Javs with my ipod my ibook and my latte...feeling totally cool and totally contented ( mostly due to the latte)
I am looking forward to church tonight...and hoping there is going to be a meeting at Java Jacks afterwards.
I am listening to MercyMe
I am about to write more letters to more dear friends.
I am wearing red. my favorite.

sappy sappy sappy.

mmmmwhahahaha!

I just deleted what I just wrote. I decided there are SOME things you just shouldnt share with the world...especially when you wake up in the morning in a cold sweat thinking...no, I did NOT just share how sappy and romantic I am with EVERYONE! And then you realize that, yes, yes you DID share...and you feel silly....

So instead I deleted what I wrote. Infact, it was good...because even as i was writing it I was thinking...this is SO LAME. you are SUCH a girly girl who just wants a boyfriend? HA! I think not! A blog about such things would just draw attention to a part of me that takes up such a small percentage of the "Actual" me...and then you would only think of me as that small percentage and all the things that I would MUCH rather be used to discribe me would get NO attention... ( like my clever wit) and THEN where would we be???

Thats what I thought.


So, what brought that on? I mean...since this "romantic, sappy, needy" side of me is "so small" HOW did it come out in such FULL FORCE tonight?

I watched " A Lot Like Love" at the theatre with my sister ( at one point we both GASPED really loudly at the exact same time...we felt lame. it was really funny. so this is a note to everyone: if you ever go to a movie with Anna and I, prepare to be embarrassed with our unintentional outbursts)....
it was a really good movie. really romantic. really sweet. happily ever after and all that jazz......

yeah, I am glad I am not talking about it. Instead I decided to discuss something safe and boring.... the weather:

Its lightening outside...and I think possibly raining too. woo.

Feeling better...

After Dr. Ardvark* yelled at me for something NOT RELATING to me....
I went and got a java shake with an extra shot of espresso....

aahhhh! much better!
* name changed to protect the guilty

BOOOOO!

I talked to Lydia and Emma last night-surprise!
And while I was totally totally happy to talk to them...i didnt get to sleep until 1AM...without doing my quiet time :-(
HOWEVER, I told myself it was allll going to be ooookkkkk....because I was working the "early" shift at work ( aka 7AM-1PM) and I would be able to take the afternoon to take a nap and do my quiet time...it would be good, it would be grand...

Waking up this morning was HORRIBLE and if there had ever been a time when I reeeeally wanted to still be in Uni ( so that I could skip class) THIS was the day....buuuut I kept thinking about that great nap I was going to take and I made it to work all blurry-eyed...

Demetrius called, she is in Houston and isnt coming into work today. I am going to work straight from 7-5:30. I hate today.

rantings of the day

My sister gave her computer back to my father saying….she didn’t want it anymore.
I totally understand. Her computer was for ever messing up. Her computer was annoying. And besides, one can blame computers so much easier than one can blame actual people.

In SAYING all that, this means I cant check my emails before bed when I am at her house…and I cant blog before bed either for that matter… that I don’t really like.

But, tonight I am at my parents house for the first time in….four days. I sorta miss it here, because all my clothes are here…all my shoes. Actually all MY things are in this house. I usually just take the clothes I am going to wear the next day to Anna’s….oh, and PJs….in fact, the only thing that lives at her house permanently are a replica of all the devotionals that I read for my quiet time…its VERY handy having TWO copies of the one year bible, TWO Utmost For His Highest and TWO Daily Lights…so I have gotten into the habit of carrying my journal around in my purse-since it’s the only thing I don’t have two of….
Of course, I love hanging out with my sister...and I love staying with her ( so dont think I am complaining)

Besides, I realized because of my precarious living situation my car has reeeally started to turn into a closet. Example: Today I was wearing a jean skirt and a black t-shirt with my red shoes…evening came and so did cooler weather…luckily I found a pink sweater in the back of my car…after putting it on I realized that the shoes did NOT go…but I had FIVE pairs of shoes in the back of my car too…so, obviously finding some black flip-flops ( jandles) wasn’t hard….very handy…very cluttered.

Man, there have been a lot of things on my mind today. But, now when I finally have the chance to share my mind…blank. OH! I remember one….

I am reeeally down on the USA at the moment. I am totally hating on it as a country. No, that seems too harsh. I like the “people” I hate the “government” ( I put that in “ “ because it seemed fitting…don’t know why) – I just don’t trusted the system of government at ALL. I mean, I used to have this faith in it….this faith that I hadn’t actually tested and I only had because I watched TV and it proved that things were safe and bad people were put away in nice clean cells with other bad people where they could all get better together and all good people lived happily ever after being eternally grateful for the nice laws that kept them separate from the bad people….BOY, was I wrong. HA!
Note the sarcasm…

Sooo, anyway, I have been thinking about it and this was definitely the last straw, I have officially fallen out of love with the United States of America. Now, don’t get me wrong I still have some strange patriotic thing going on to the point of standing up for my country and my countrymen to the point of anything…but I don’t want to live here. Hahahah!
Now, obviously this means I just need to move to another country where I can BE an American ( I will always be) and live the life of some OTHER COUNTRY…theory: that country wont bother me because I am not a part of its particular nation of people…yeeeessss….leave me alone governments, I hate you.

Countries I am considering at the moment:
1. Malta
2. New Zealand
3. Bermuda
4. Australia
5.Mauritius

With all THAT said...I will stay RIGHT HERE until told ( by God) otherwise.....

the good icing...

have you had that really nasty new fangled icing that supermarkets are putting on their cakes now days? its like "whipped nothing"....it has NO good qualities such as lots of sugar which is what I always loved about traditional "birthday cake'....anyway, I have been craving the good supermarket icing for DAYS and finally yesterday I went out and bought a birthday cake...luckily Anna's birthday was on Tuesday so it wasnt TOO much of a stretch...and yet, I have a feeling I would have bought the cake anyway....so....what does THAT say about me?
Anyway, I had to search through the cakes to find one withOUT the nasty whipped nothing icing....and my question is....
this whipped nothing icing is supposedly "low fat" and I am just wondering WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND thinks "birthday cake" and "low fat" in the SAME THOUGHT?!?!?!
*ahem*

So, you havent heard too much from me in the past few days...and to tell you the truth you havent missed TOO much when it comes to the goings on of my brain ( which is what this blog is, just in case you didnt know)....I havent THOUGHT much at all...autopilot is what times like these really calls for.
And this is why I have been thinking about my auto pilot setting...you really have to work on it! I mean, if you dont reeeeeally focus on what is inside of you, not just to cover it up, but to actually FIX it ( which can only been done with the grace of God) ....then when your normal pattern of thinking is interrupted and you go into the "automatic settings" what is there? Whats going to come out? its a scary thought....its times like these that there is no pretending....there is no "save face" ....its just the REAL you. *shudder* I am telling you, this is sobering! If all of YOUR social graces were stripped....all of your ability to cover up and make excuses were gone....what would be seen? Would there be God's grace there to cover up what was left?
The end result is, I am so glad I am a christian, I am glad my life is covered in Jesus.

I had a birthday dinner with Katie last night...we had good times....discussion of really bad early ninties styles really made me laugh...and also made me really want a pair of Jellies....ahhhhh! my silver sparkly high-heeled plastic Jellies really knew how to make a girl feel beautiful and special...in FACT, I would have to say ( shamefully) that the Jelly was the first pair of shoes that made my heart flutter...of course, ones feet got insanely sweaty wearing an all plastic shoe with no padding...and when one took the shoe off at the end of a long day playing to find MUD ( sweat and dirty ew) ....but, this was ALLLLL worth it for those "grown up" sparkles....the clicking sound they made on the kitchen floor...the way they dressed up your jean shorts and t-shirt....awwww....why dont they make them anymore?!?!

in history...

There are some days that you think about writing about...you think, how could I POSSIBLY give words to the feeling in my heart? How could I possibly express how today feels? What today means?

"Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth."

5 months, 3 weeks, 4 days...

I was reminded of the post I made on this day almost six months ago by my sister...in a way I cant believe its been that long and yet, when I went back and read what I wrote then, my heart said, amen again.
In fact, strangely enough...I had put this verse on a post-it note on my computer at work today:
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalm 28:7

Which is so close to the one I got so many months ago. While so much has happened since that day, some things still stand to be true. The Lord is still my strength. He still gives blessings for burdens. He still forgives. He is still all merciful.
He holds the very actions of this earth in the palm of His hand...
So I leave you with my thoughts from back then...My heart repeats those sentiments again...but just a little bit louder and with a little bit more strength. Exodus 6:1 Still Stands.


Monday, October 25, 2004

"Now you will see what I will do. " ~ Ex. 6:1

" The Lord is my strength and song,
And He has become my salvation;
This is my God,and I will praise Him. "
~ Ex 15:2

Lord, I have seen today that my burdens easily overrun my ablity to withstand....they easily conquer me. I am easily overwhelmed by one seeming drop of rain...I have seen today that I am weak.
But, Lord you have also given me the greatest gift: You long to carry my burdens. You take them without a second thought. You soothe the mess I made of today, you give me hope for tomorrow. You forgive. I see that in giving you my burdens you do not leave me empty handed....what is this? Is this actually blessing? You give me blessing for my burdens!
Not worthy, not worthy.

Today more than any day...I wish that I was in Texas...and at the same time I am thankful I am here...here I am forced only to pray:

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when labors increase
To added affliction He addeth His mercies
To multiplied trials His multiplied peace

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of his infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

~Annie Johnson Flint
Posted by: Abigail / 4:18 AM

Caffine: A friend in the AM

I was driving home from "morning coffee with Papa" and I realized how relaxed and happy I was...ahhhh! only one thing can make me THAT happy in the morning...and that's the latte I had had 30 minutes before...you know, its kinda sad the morning coffee meeting is relatively short, Anna has to do most of the talking because she has been up longer ( She just wakes me up as she walks out of the house...i throw on clothes and get in the car) so I am usually JUST waking up when we are wrapping up...

My feeling of late: As though I am about to jump into a very deep pool...I am preparing for the water to be either really hot or really cold. I dont know which its going to be, so my question is how do you prepare at all? I dont really know if you can...but i am trying! Oh the Lord is my strength, my shield...

Abigail the soundtrack to life.

So I told you I was working on it...
I am not totally satisfied with this particular soundtrack...but since I had to just "whip it out"...it will defintely get me thinking....so what is YOUR soundtrack? I would love to hear your thoughts!

Hallelujah Chorus ( from the Messiah), Handel: This song has several reasons for being in my soundtrack. For one thing, for years and years it was tradition for my parents to take me to the Messiah for my birthday, SFA hosts it every year and it usually ended up being around my birthday, which I always thought was extra special. On the same strain of childhood…there were many years that I woke up to either Bach or Handel on Sunday mornings. And when I moved to NZ I played the Messiah really loudly on Sunday mornings for my own personal edification and also for all the hung over residents who had kept ME awake the night before…a little godly irony ;-) And well…all the childhood memories aside-this song is SO powerful! It speaks to my heart, it rattles my bones, it makes my skin tingle….


To the Ends of the Earth, Hillsong: I’ve always loved this praise song. Many of my Nacogdoches people may not be familiar with it so for this one I will give you the words. Anyway, it expresses how I feel at my best. You know, the moments when you have no doubts. And hopefully even when I do have fears and attacks on everyside I still carry THIS within me in some form…
~
Love unfailing over taking my heart
You take me in, finding peace again. Fear is lost in all You are.
I would give the world to tell your story, because I know that You’ve called me
I’ve lost myself for good within your promise and I wont hide it. I wont hide it.
Jesus I believe in you, and I would go to the ends of the earth. For you alone are the son of God and all the world will see that you are God. You are God.
~
She’s only Happy in the Sun, Ben Harper: This is just TRUE. I have learned this from my years of winter…and for my years of life guarding…I LOVE the sun. And I am always always just a little bit happier when it is sunny out. Plus, you just have to admire Ben for living a life of surfing and barefeet in Hawaii. ;-)

Love Song for No one, John Mayer: My love life. I have never had one. Hahaha! And so this song is pretty good at describing my life as I have always known it. While it is a personal choice for me to be alone, it doesn’t mean, the words “I am so tired of being alone so hurry up and get here.” don’t describe me sometimes…the other reason this song is perfect for my soundtrack, it is upbeat…you might think because I have such a nonexistent love life the song I would choose would be all melancholy…but no….I am pretty happy waiting. Maybe not “happy” but hopeful at least ;-)

Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchelle: My sad song. There is something about this song that always gets me. It expresses the loss of childhood innocence that I guess we all face at some point or another, and for me this song would have been playing in the background when I realized things weren’t all roses…

Extreme Ways, Moby: This song has been on SO many movie soundtracks…why cant it be in my life too? But actually, I have always had a thing for this song…it’s the ultimate driving song. I have had moments when I just wanted to DRIVE AWAY from it all. And while I have a feeling I will never actually do it. Pretty much what I am saying is with the grace of God I am a pretty together person, but I do have moments when I want to throw in the towel…. So for those moments I DO have a driving away from it all song.

Signed Sealed Delivered I’m Yours, Stevie Wonder: Its hard to find a song that really describes those happy uninhibited moments. The best I can do is give you this song which ALWAYS puts a little dance in my step. And besides it’s a little uninhibited in itself. So this is the song that would be playing when I am dancing around my room when no ones watching…

today...

barbecue. smiling. old money. banana pudding.
cooking. music. relaxing.
high school graduation. stuffy. talking. compliments.
tired. couch. "About a Boy". telephone. chips n dip.
prayer. struggle. family.
parents. silly. "Some Like it Hot". pillows.

Saturdays are awesome...

especially when they are sunny and you dont have to work.

I just finished making Raspberry slice for the graduation party at my church this afternoon....yes, Jared, I plan to win friends and influence people with it! ;-)

The smell of chocolate is filling the house and I am listening to Third Day's "King of Glory" at top volume as I sit at the dinning room table. There are some things I REEEALLY miss about living "alone" and that is not getting to listen to music on top volume...luckily I have a car for that! ;-) And my parents are actually very very cool about it most of the time- I just feel guilty ( for no reason) and therefore only feel reeeeally good about it when I am alone-like now.

So, today I have been really homesick for my NZers...especially Lydia. Its her birthday. Happy 21st Birthday, Darling...I love you like no other!

I was just talking to my mother about a journal prompt she gave to her class "the soundtrack to your life."
wow. I wouldnt even KNOW where to begin with that one! there are so many songs that would be appropriate so I am going to think about that one...maybe come up with about 5-10 songs....it will be fun. ;-) My mom is SUCH a cool teacher...I would have LOVED having her!! Luckily I have her as a mom which is even cooler.

Rocky Road

I didnt realize the irony of my icecream choice until later...but I think thats how I would discribe me lately...rocky.
Seriously, I had to FIGHT hard against bad mood/depression this afternoon...and really, I had no GOOD excuse for it. *sigh*
A long day at work plus the realization that if I want to move out of the support of the parents anytime soon I am going to have to get another job ( there is a possiblity in the "works" so keep an eye open...maybe I'll tell more)...plus....well, just a sense of opression really. To tell you the truth there was a moment when I was heading straight for my parents house to hide and read a novel and not come out until tomorrow...but luckily I pulled myself together and FORCED myself to turn the car around and go to the movies ( Fever Pitch=totally cute chick flick...I recommend). I am glad I did because I ended up having a really really good chat with Anna afterwards (which is why I am up so late!). My sister amazes me. I am also getting excited/apprehensive about her birthday...its on Tuesday....for those of you that dont know...its a BIG deal!

Sometimes when you pray for something SO HARD you get to the point where you feel like your heart is going to burst. I am afraid of that at the moment, and yet those fears were brought into the light tonight..it was as though the Lord was showing me things about my thoughts and my mindset that I either hadnt wanted to notice before-or just hadnt taken the time to look...it was good...."There is no fear in Love, perfect Love casts out fear and he that fears is not made perfect in love."

I am rambling to myself-because I am talking very "vaguely" but...well....sometimes that's what happens at 1:30 at night when you are pondering the "big stuff"

PS. I just read Sam's blog...thank GOODNESS he made mention of Lydia's party...I was SO dying to be there...and then I have heard NOTHING about it! Meeeeh! I want details...somebody send me details....and I want lots of people too, that way I can get lots of prospective as though I was there ;-)
I gotta tell you I didnt know what to think of what Sam said about my video ( I watched it again last night...because I had sorta forgotten what I had said ) it was slightly disconcerning to hear that I had "changed" and that I was "different"...I mean, meeeeh....I havent changed at all! except for maybe my accent...and that, well, that cant be helped.
Of course, that was all coming from a notable stalker and well, stalkers cant be trusted to have "clear thinking" when it comes to those they stalk ;-)
poor sam.

good night.

pillow talk

i am lying in bed with my ankle/foot propped up on a pillow. I dont really know what it will accomplish afterall I think you are only suppose to elevate a twisted ankle right after you do it...and *i* twisted mine yesterday ( you know, during the crappy day of dac)
Yeah, I didnt have the heart to tell you about it yesterday...but I went to work out ( you know, get out all the badness of the day out of me in the form of sweat) when I totally rolled my ankle- I made this little yelping sound when it happened and I stumbled but luckily caught myself....luckily almost everyone in the room kindly ignored me but the girl next to me was like, "are you ok?" and so I had to say: "Oh, YEAH!" make a sad attempt at a laugh...the worst part was because she was watching I had to get up and start running in place again...as though I was totally fine....I think thats why my ankle still hurts :-P
All for the sake of saving face! YES it WAS worth it...thanks for asking.

Thoughts from my brain today:

1. I really wish I was in NZ today more than any day...missing Lydia's 21st birthday party. makes me miss her like...well, yes, crazy ( pills).
2. I love itunes...I have just listened to Straight from the Heart ( bryan Adams) , Everything ( ben harper) Come Thou Font ( Claire Holley) and King of Fools ( Delirious) all in a row...*sigh* makes me waaay happy.
3. I missed the HT lounge at Carrington...while I was watching Without a Trace tonight.
4. I cant tell you how excited I am that tomorrow is Friday.
5. friends that I thanked God for specifically today: Emma, Kristy, Tabitha ( they all blessed me with emails today!)

My ankle is THROBBING...meeeeh.

Fight it.

AHHHH! I feel like I have been fighting for days! Sometimes I just want to sit down and rest with no thought or care in the world ! when will the green pastures come?

The Episode that Shocked a Nation.

Have you ever heard that for a preview for a TV show? it always makes me laugh...I always get a mental picture of the entirity of the USA taking a collective gasp over an episode of CSI ( i DOUBT it!)

Annnyway,
my day....I actually dont want to tell you about it because I am so embarrassed about what happened-but then on the other hand...I couldnt NOT tell you....

The morning started crazy enough-I got to work early because we have a new doctor and he keeps showing up well before 8AM ( when the doctors usually arrive) and I wanted to be ready for him...so I get the hospital to find him stand outside the reading room door saying that he needs to get a key! I am like, WHOOOOA, dude! its not even 7:20 yet!!!! what the hey???
Anyway, so I was rushed trying to keep my doctor busy AND do my normal morning duties....to make matter more crazy we had two FULL carts full of films from the night before to read ( usually only one...I think I mentioned this already)

So, all of the radiology department was busy and crazy pills were abounding...and then the moment came....

Dr. Davis asked me to get some films that were read yesterday and the ones from today for Dr. Randel who would be coming in anymoment to look at them...so I did the logical thing to do which was call up front to see if they had them up there...
phone conversation:
Me: Hi this is Abbey in the reading room, do you have a Henry James ( name changed for privacy reasons) up there? Dr. Randel needs to look at them.
Girl up front: Whats the patient number?
Me: I wasnt given a record number, all I was given is the patients name...
Evil girl: Can you hold on for a second?
Me: Sure.
Evil, mean girl: ( in a muffled voice) I cant BELIEVE those girls back there! They just call up here with NO information and just expect me to find it...like I dont have work to do or something!!! She is so incredibly stupid and lazy.......
Evil, evil, mean horrible girl: Do you have the date of birth.
Me: No, I am sorry I wasnt given that information, I am asked to find the patient's film.
EEMHG: We'll try to find them.

I hung up, and Demetrius went up to the front to look for the films, I was totally upset and hearing all that said about me, after all...if she wanted to talk about me than she could have at least put me on HOLD.
I told demetrius what she said, and demetrius asked, the next time they called if they had been talking about us up front...I only heard Demetrius's end of the conversation and she was said, "Oh, Ok." and hung up...I then asked what they said and she said they said they had been talking about Abbey.

*sigh* this really upset me and I tried to control myself as Demetrius went on and on about how they werent very nice up front and that they talked behind EVERYONES back...but when she finally left the room I started to cry...I just couldnt help it! I have been trying so hard to be on everyones good side, and now they all think I am lazy!! Even though I knew it wasnt true it was upsetting to actually HEAR people talk badly about me...

in the end Demetrius gave me this big peptalk about how I had to get over things like this and that the only people I needed to please were her and the doctors and I was doing that etc. etc.
and then she went and told the girls up front that they had made me cry and not to do it again! Can you believe it??? how horrible! I am sooo embarrassed they know that I cried! No one cries at a WORK PLACE!!!! I think the thing that gets me now is how emotionally badly I acted!!! I mean, I am suppose to be a grown up, with a grown up job and I cried the first time I had any kind of conflict...I just want to SINK through the floor..............I am soooo embarrassed.



So, now you know....call me a cry baby....I know its true. I wish I could just WILL myself to grow up and be a big girl....what does it take???