dusty

So, friends, I'm dusting off the ol' blog today after a truly awful day. I know, probably the worst way to blog. Nobody wants to read downer posts and I so hate the social media trend of using facebook and posts to just rant and vent...so I will not mention my day. I mentioned it on facebook instead. HA!

Instead, I'll take this time I usually get to spend with my husband ( the after the kids go to bed time) that is now my "alone" time since he's started night shifts for the forseeable future to write this post. I've had a lot floating around that I wanted to post but I was either lazy or busy and it didn't happen..usually a combo of both ;-)

So instead of a nice, well written post, here are some barely coherent thoughts:

I heard this Kutless song on the radio the other day and its kind of stuck with me:



~~~~~


One of the things I'm learning from writing out the girls story all at once, is that I crave feedback. Almost every time I sit down to write I end up wanting to send it to someone to read. Apparently I have been blogging too long and now I want to not only get things off my chest, but I also want validation from another person. Uh-oh. I feel like Greg Kinnear's character in You've Got Mail who's always wanting people to read his work out loud or asking for feedback. So, anyway, other than a friend of mine who's a pretty awesome editor, I havent sent it out to anyone and I don't think even Brett has read it. So this is good. Growth.

~~~~~

Brett and I have been following a pretty close budget the last two months thanks to an iphone app toshl finance. It has cutesy  little monster animation to try to distract you from the fact that you're spending tons of money. It feeds my OCD nature and I looove looking at my little money chart. That being said I already went over my "spending money" budget for the month because I had to buy some summer clothes that fit ( thanks extra 30 pounds pregnancy!! Way to over stay your welcome!!! )....and then as awful luck would have it, I found this purse that I really really wanted:

Its a gorgeous Tailor and Stylist bag.
It has now become clear that I just might be the one that spends money not Brett spending it on coffee. ( to be far, he DOES spend lots of money on coffee...coffee just doesnt cost $50 a pop. sigh) 
Anyway. 
Since my current purse double as a diaper bag, its just as well that I can't buy this one...but someone else should buy it because look how cute it is!! Don't let this go to waste!


~~~~~


Last week I watched Good Will Hunting on Netflix because I was in the mood. Did you realize that movie is like 15 years old?!?! I'm not even kidding. I remember when Matt and Ben won the Oscar for best screen play like it was yesterday. Wow.

~~~~~


So, Tabitha is 4 months old and she has yet to laugh. She has learned to screech with glee, on the other hand. So, yeah, not sure what to think about that. I'm wondering if I'm just not very funny (?)

~~~~~

I have officially entered the period of time that happens every time I move ( or in the case of Georgia when all my friends moved away all at once.) where I feel incredibly lonely and I think that I will never ever have any friends ever again. This time, however, I had the added bonus of also having two kids...one of whom I'd ALSO like to have friends and the other who I'd like to have friends one day when she starts to laugh at things. I had no idea having kids was going to add this heartbreaking element. Or maybe I did know and I just blocked it out, or I thought it wouldn't come so soon. Watching Ransom at the park watching other kids play literally BROKE MY HEART the other day. Nevermind that he's always been more comfortable watching in big groups. It just reinforced in my mind that I really miss his little friends: Emmy, Elizabeth, Kilsyth...dude. He needs some boy friends.

~~~~~

To Rest

We spent the last week with family ( or at least the kids and I did, Brett drove up on Sunday after work) taking advantage of our last "4 days off" for Brett's work before the summer surge hits. It was good. I'm boiling it all up to the celebration of life. My niece turned 3 with a fairy princess party. We honored my good friend Jennifer's twins ( and she surprised us by honoring OUR twins too!) at the March of Dimes
walk. And Brett and I spread Priscilla's ashes...
It's weird, I know, that I say celebrate life when some of what we did was deal with death, but that's the thing... As Brett and I walked with our baby girls ashes the thing that popped into my head was a line from the song In Christ Alone :

No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand; Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand. We had sung this song on Sunday in church, but I know it came to my mind as a comforting reminder in those moments. There is nothing like facing the finality of death to help one realize how miraculous Life can be! Whether one admits it or not, He is the one who controls our destinies. He is the one who knows us better than we know ourselves. As for my baby girl? As for my niece, my friends, their children, my very own life- they are all in His Hand!

I am grateful for this constant reminder of the miracles-both big and small- that The Lord gives us on a daily basis.

If you are interested, you can read the letter I read out loud to Priscilla when we spread her ashes here.

therapy.

So, clearly, this whole writing the girls story business is going to be harder than I thought. But also therapeutic because there are some things I have literally not thought about in a long time, and definitely things I haven't necessarily put into words.

Writing is really my cheapest form of therapy because it makes me sit here and think things through enough to where I can get it into words, then sentences and then paragraphs-till hopefully it can go back into my brain ( through reading it back ) neater and tidier than when it came out.

That being said I totally cried this afternoon. I skipped ahead a tiny bit ( so far I've been going sequentially) to get the months of July and August out of the way....they have been weighing on me ever since I started writing a week ago. They are the months leading up to the surgery and in some ways hold the most emotional baggage of our experience-much more so than the time directly after the surgery. I'm sure there is a good explanation for this, but I'm not exactly sure what it is yet....when I figure it out, I'll be sure to write it down. ;-)

Digging around creates....dirt.

So, it has been impressed upon me recently that I must write Tabitha and Priscilla's story in its entirety, before I forget all the little details that sadly fade with time...
This means that lately I've been sitting down in front of a Word document a couple of times a week and weeding through the dusty archives of my memory. I can't tell you the last time I've sat down in front of a word document for this long....actually, I can. It was in college.
That being said, its good to write, though, at times it is painful. Having to relive in my mind and heart the excitement and joy ( oh, ok, and FEAR) that we experienced when we found out we were having twins....its hard to conjure up. Love lost is hard to think about. Expectations that will never be met are hard to look at full in the face.

If I'm honest I think I was afraid that it would bring on other feelings, things like bitterness or even embarrassment ( like, how could I be so silly as to think that God would give ME twins?!). But, really bringing up these memories just brings them into the Light. The light of His truth.

There is such freedom in the truth and in the Light. And I know that this will be good for me....especially as one who tends to error on the side of denial... digging around in my memory and my heart are probably a good idea.

That being said, bear with me....I don't rightly know how this will affect my blog. In college, writing assignments actually made me blog MORE ( a mixture of procrastination and also having all that pent up creativity brought to the surface), but given that I have two children and a husband-these days my time is so limited in the writing department it might mean this blog is neglected-who can say?!
But I wanted to give you a heads up just the same....

And if we're all good...maybe at the end of this I'll have a Story to share....

A grown up Mommy.

This week I visited preschools....next week I am interviewing babysitters. This makes me feel like an adult. Kind of like when I first got a job, I grabbed my car keys and my cup of coffee in a travel mug and headed out the door....for some reason that was some kind of cliche in my mind of what a grown up girl who has a job does. ( I almost said working girl. ahem.) Anyway, for my preschool tours I got dressed and put on makeup way early in the morning ( like before 9am) and went and presented myself all collected like and asked questions like, "do you focus more on socialization or on a specific curriculum?" which, if you think that's an impressive question, you'd be right...I got it from my sister. I asked her what to ask about because I wanted to seem like I knew what I was talking about... This was, of course, an act because I've been extra air-headed lately.
 I went to Michaels to buy a frame for something that Brett wanted framed, and I took in the picture so that I could look at it with the frames...then I bought a frame and walked out of the store...leaving my picture behind. fabulous.
I also went to the store today and left the garage open....luckily the grocery store's electricity was out (!?!) and therefore we werent able to go and I was home much faster than I would have been...but still...you get the point...

So next week, I am interviewing baby-sitters. I've never had to do this because I 'inherited' my last baby sitter from my friend Marie. Liz was the greatest thing to happen to babysitting and so I had her for the last two years. Now I am faced with the sad job of trying to replace her. Its awful. I actually cried after her last time with Ransom.
So, what kind of questions should I ask? I'm so nervous! I don't want to be more nervous than the person who supposedly wants a job from me! Eek! So, if anyone has any advice for me as far as good probing questions that will weed out the "soup opera watchers" from the "I make up crafts to do with your child" sitters, I'd be appreciative....
Ok, back to parenting. Tabitha and I are going through sleep training at the moment. It's been much harder with her, ironically, because she's such an easier baby.  With Ransom he was so grumpy and crying all the time, a little crying at nap time and bedtime didn't bother me so much. I was immune. With Tabitha, she's just so sweet and good....I feel so bad to hear her crying and thus I cave pretty much all the time. Ah well, if there's anything I've learned this second time around its to not be too hard on myself, this parenting thing is not so set in stone as the books make it out to be. For instance, your toddler will be adorable, dancing on the hearth for his bear and lamb one minute, and throwing an all out fit the next minute. This is life.
Maybe I'll ask my possible babysitters a "hypothetical" question regarding two year olds with multiple personalities...

Smother mother council

Brett started "work-work" this week meaning he'll be working all week. Something we've thankfully haven't had to experience for almost a month! Glory glory! It has been so incredibly nice to take a breather as a family. We needed it.

But, now I'm back being full-time mommy and I'd forgotten how hard it is. You just don't get anything done. Which is why I'm blogging right now instead of taking a shower. Who needs showers? Besides I did things backwards today....I got up early, put on makeup and got all prettied up and such and went to a preschool tour, then I came home and worked out. So, you know, my body isn't really sure whether it smells like sweat or perfume, or if it looks like nicely applied eyeliner or very messy hair....eh.

So, yeah, lets talk about that preschool tour....That's some overwhelming stuff! I know Ransom would really love the socialization and the routine of going back to preschool in the fall ( he loved it so much when he was in Nacogdoches, he STILL talks about his teachers) but Momma is having a hard time with the idea! I mean, just thinking about my little dude being there without me is hard! I know, I know, I was without him for months but that was necessity and now I'm back to clinging on for dear life. But, I don't want to be a smother mother so, I'm doing my Mommy-duty and I'm putting on my cute shoes and make up and pretending that I do that every day, and I'm visiting preschools....

sigh 

I'm feeling extra smother-y because last week Ransom had an allergic reaction to a bug bite at the park and we had to rush to the Doctor and we were sent home with Epi-pens. Eeek! Way to freak out a Mommy by giving her a shot to jab into her son's leg in an emergency! It was the reminder the "worrier" in me "needed" to amp up the worry. And yet, I'm fighting it. I know that these are all things I cannot control, and the only thing I can do is my very best for any given day...today it was sidewalk chalk and playdough...and tomorrow we'll try to make cookies. If I can't protect them from everything, at least help me to give them some good memories...

Different

What happens in a month? A lot. And while I've known my blog was being heartily neglected, I knew that it was probably a good idea because my head space was probably the messiest it has been in a long long time. Nobodies got time for that. Or rather nobody has time to read that....

But for better or worse, I'm back and this morning Brett gave me some time to go be. Which basically means, away from children, away from house, away from husband... to think a little bit more clearly.

So, I sit here in my new city...San Antonio ( if you don't know how we got here: Read this post!). I am full of thankfulness. Thankfulness that we made it to San Antonio at ALL. Amazing.
Thankful that we're here to do life and ministry with such wonderful friends. Thankful that the Lord "picked out" a house for us ( I didn't see it until we'd affectively already moved in.)...a house that's perfectly hidden behind a large nature reserve, but close to Super Target and Nordstroms rack*. It even has a horse farm down the road that Ransom already loves...how does God know even the things that we need that I didn't even know!?

In reading of the Bible this past week I read this verse:
"So he called its name Rehoboth, saying, for now the Lord has made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land." Gen 26:22

That's how I feel. I feel like room has been made for us, and even though I've still got growing pains that all new places bring-getting lost on the way to this coffee shop, for instance. I know that this is where we're suppose to be and I will believe that we will be "fruitful" here.

We're in a cool place of being perfectly in the middle....the middle between our dear friends the Woods and the Thars who are all grandparents both physically and spiritually, and the students at Fort Sam Houston that are all babies ( ok, they're probably 19 or 20 on average.) that we are trying to share the love of Jesus with....its gonna be pretty fun, I think. And very very different.

I'm ready for different.



*I had to pull out our dusty budget and revamp it....I've never had trouble staying in our budget, but after living here about two days I realized I was going to be in trouble if I didn't do something....girlfriend likes have so many fun things close by. hehe)

Clean house...clean mind

Is this a common phrase? I'm not even sure where it comes from but its definitely true in my life. The last few weeks-really ever since I had a moment in my living room where I noticed how dusty the TV was and I calculated how many days we had left here at Benning ( a week and a half at the time) and I decided it wasn't worth the effort to clean any more....probably a big mistake. I've gotten increasingly frazzled and increasingly on edge ever since....case in point I lost Tabitha's baby monitor for a whole day. Misplaced it in the morning and didn't think much of it, but by the end of the day Brett and I were both scouring the house, even going through the trash cans, trying to find the monitor....no luck.
Next morning I go to get Ransom some socks out of his sock basket. There was the monitor.

Basically I've become a literal basket case.

To make matters more awesome and "unsettled" Brett and I have moved ourselves and Tabitha into the guest bedroom ( which I had incidentally already deemed "mover ready" so I had to re-make the bed etc.) because Brett noticed tale tell signs of mold in our hole-ridden bedroom ceiling. Just what we and our newborn need are mold spores in our lungs. I am so angry at the injustice of how they have never fixed our roof after 2 years of leaking. Honestly, I know I should just let it go, but I feel like they are getting away with more because its "on post housing" if this were in a typical apartment complex I feel like we'd at least get some rent pro-rated or SOMETHING for this kind of behavior! Now I'm just complaining.

Bottom line. It turns out I'm an orderly person. And I like things neat and tidy and relatively clean. And I can HARDLY WAIT to be living such a life again.....

2 more days till we say goodbye!!

In 10 minutes

Last night the ministry we've been a part of here at Fort Benning had a party, and Brett and I were given 10 minutes of the event to share what God has done in our lives while we've lived here, as a 'goodbye' of sorts....well, as anyone who's known me long can attest, 10 minutes was HARD to stick to...especially since between Brett and I, it was really just 5...but, it was good to have to condense all that time into something compact that can be seen easily from somewhere other than space. It helped me to see just what has been done in my heart, in our families....so, here's a little bit of an "extended" version of what I said last night:

We have lived at Fort Benning since November 2009. That's over 3 years. When I prayed that we'd get to live somewhere for longer than a year, I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting south west Georgia, on the Alabama border. I wasn't expecting living at a super transient Army post where most people come for only months at a time....and well, before I have to put " I wasn't expecting" at the beginning of every sentence of this post, basically the last three years are some of the hardest most challenging years I've ever faced. Looking back nothing was was I expected, but this is what I got:


Some of the most diverse bunch of ladies, to walk along side -some for just a short while and some, thankfully, for longer but some of the women who have impacted me the MOST are; Rolinda ( the only one who was here when we arrived and who is still here...THAT'S how temporary this place can be for most people!), Marie, Keri, Deb, Bonnie, Jessie, Chris, Michelle, Susan, Melissa, Katie, Adelaide, Miranda, Robin, Britton, Lindsay and Shannon.... And many more! And that's not counting Sarah or Jane or Cindy who were part of my time in Texas this last year but who also impacted me greatly.

We also had some guys live with us over the past three years, Nate, JJ, and Gordon hardly counted but they taught me some things about having single guys in my home that I'm glad I learned. But then there was Jaymon and Hayden who lived with us for much longer and whom I was really so blessed to share our lives with.

In the three years here, we ran a "typical" navigator bible study at Airborne chapel, but with the added twist of having those attending usually only being with us for three weeks ( the length of airborne school).... This meant that we'd have to make relationships quickly and ask ourselves what is really important when you're sharing Christ with someone. It also meant we could never get comfortable and stop asking people to come to Bible study, if we didn't invite new people in a month the place would be dead! I learned a lot about rejection and cutting to the chase.

Then we went to pave a new study at Kelley Hill where Brett was working, and we had the funniest bunch of dudes! There I learned that I don't always get to choose who I'm suppose to love. See Thanksgiving 2011. Strippers were definitely talked about at my dining room table. Ahem.

During the last three years we've seen the gamut of ministry styles which has meant just as much an adjustment for our social side of things as our spiritual- We went from having large Barbecues hosted at our house almost every week, weekly standing dinners at the on post Mexican Restaurant with lots and lots of people, to hardly seeing anyone at ALL for months on end, to having home churches spread out across Fort Benning where we'd see a small group of people .... This happened when we started the Great Commission Experiment ( which was, just that, an Experiment based on following the Great Commission, focusing on the "go") and that was when I saw hardly anyone at all for weeks on end because everyone was "going" and I was a stay at home mom...focusing on the staying.... anyway, the experiment lead to simplified small groups where simple storytelling and some basic questions were the focus and by this time Brett was in Command at work and we moved from "leadership" to "helper"-stepping back to support our friends the Fones and the group they were having in their home. Being a part of that group and also meeting with two couples on Sundays for "church" was both challenging and encouraging.
These small groups then morphed in to another small group type set up, but I can't say much about that because this is when my own journey took me to Texas for 5 long months.... Which brings me to the personal part of my time here at Fort Benning.

To account all the personal lessons I've learned would be impossible ( some I've probably forgotten, and I'll sadly have to learn them again) but some I feel like have changed me and been written on my heart in a way I know I will never forget.
Living in the Wood's house for 5 months. Working for Chuck and the Army leadership team. Becoming a Mother, Brett making it through Ranger School-starting 10 days after Ransom was born. Recovery from having a baby-FYI doesn't take just 6 weeks. Surviving a colicky baby and learning the many joys and trails of being someones Mommy ( this, I think is different from 'becoming a mother'. )Brett's company command and the 24/7 work that entailed. Brett telling me we were going to follow the Woods, and finding out that meant going to San Antonio. Dealing with some personal criticism. Finding out I was pregnant with twins. Dealing with the increasingly scary prospects of that pregnancy. Bed rest and having to rely on others for EVERYTHING. The loss of Priscilla. The miracle of Tabitha. The life of extended hospital stays and the Ronald McDonald house.....All these things together equal a very different Abigail than the one who started. And isn't that the promise? There is a great work being done in my life, and hopefully it isn't even remotely finished....


I arrived at Fort Benning on my 26th Birthday, excited about getting to spend time with my husband after a year long deployment. I'd spent that year immersed in women's ministry at Fort Lewis and I thought I was up for whatever was going to be thrown my way...

I will leave Fort Benning the mother of two, with my husband with whom I've celebrated life with, and grieved over death, and I know for a FACT that I am actually not up for whatever is thrown my way, but that God definitely is....

In my dreams

A little known fact about me is that when I was younger...pre-kids, pre-husband, I use to day-dream or rather "night-dream" about houses. Not boys or mushy stuff.... houses. That's right. One of the only ways for me to fall asleep at night was to create floor plans. Mansions, houses, cottages, lofts....and then  when I got  a design I particularly liked I'd spend night after night decorating the rooms.

I'll have to ask my Mom, but I think I may have gotten this trait from my Mema? I vaguely remember hearing that she use to do this too...

Anyway, we've recently found a house in San Antonio that we'll most likely rent ( the paper work is just waiting to be signed), and I definitely hope it ends up that way because if we dont then I've wasted a LOT of time! You see, as soon as this house entered my radar as the one we'd probably be living in...my old tendencies kicked back in...you know, the ones I'd lost when I had serious worries to think about at night rather than fanciful dreams...

So, as soon as we decided on the house, and our friends Deb and Bonnie went to look at it and gave it their thumbs up on our behalf, I started piecing together the floor plan by going through the pictures and working out how the rooms probably fit together. And THEN I found this totally awesome app on the ipad that I think is called "room planner" ( I don't have it in front of me).  That allowed me to even put in the dimensions of the rooms and after much scrutinizing of pictures I finally had a floor plan ( minus the bathrooms and the closets in the extra bedrooms...I still havent figured out how they fit) that I think is basically what the house looks like. 

Then once I had my floor plan, it looked rather empty. And this app JUST SO HAPPENED to let you put furniture into the rooms, and it let you change the dimensions of the furniture...and so that's how I ended up running around my house measuring all my furniture, and then inserting it into my make-believe house! Except this time it's supposedly real! Oh what fun! 

Yes, lets just say that's how I spent Tabitha's feeding sessions for about two days straight! I'm definitely excited about a new house to get creative in! I realized that being an Army life has allowed me, in a much more practical, less fanciful, way live out my daydreams...in our five years of marriage we'll have moved 4 times not counting this move and each time I've had to piece together a new home, and I've loved it! Of course this time around I've got a toddler and a 2 month old to contend with so I think the love will be a little less pronounced. For instance, yesterday I had a baby sitter and Brett ( for a little while) at home and I STILL didnt get all the things I wanted to get done accomplished. Seriously. How in the WORLD do people get things done with two children?! Some moms even add work to the equation!! HOW?!?! HOWWWWWW!?! Luckily for me we'll have movers who will pack us and move our stuff otherwise I don't even think this move would be physically possible. Just getting basic prep done for the move is just about maxing me out. That being said, just 3 more weeks in Georgia!! 

Here was the house when I was in the process of moving furniture around....stay tuned for the finish product...and hopefully the real thing ( as long as we survive!)!

( if you click on the plan, it should open up a bigger version, if you're curious)

Something about pride and falling...

Today I had to have a little repenting moment....A baptism if you will. And I say "baptism" because there was a lot of water involved. This was no sprinkling, we're talking a dunking.

Anyway, before I get too carried away in my metaphors, let me just say that I've now been a mother of two by myself for almost two weeks. I've had one or two really bad days, and a bad moment or two pretty much every day ( have I mentioned that Tabitha does not like to be put down when she's awake?! Yeah. Not cool...if anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears...she does not like the vibrating seat that Ransom so adored when he was her age...sigh). But all in all, we've made it unscathed. And I've even kept up a pretty basic routine. And so yesterday I was driving somewhere and I was looking at my clock thinking how I was going to be right on time to keep with my awesome schedule I'd created for myself, and I gave myself a major pat on the back...and then ( here comes the bad part) I started comparing myself to others. I thought about how totally awesome I was and that I was able to arrive to events on time and with two kids in tow, fully clothed, me looking ( sorta kinda) decent, and I thought, "man, I've got this parenting of two thing down pat!" 
  *side note: Lets not even get into the fact that, thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law and terrific friends I've hardly had to make a full meal by myself yet....also, my house...its not exactly what we'd call "clean"....but lets just forget that for the time being...

Then today, I was brought firmly down to earth when I decided to go to our library's storytime in a torrential down pour... As I was driving to the library in the pouring rain I realized that it was a baaad idea ( in fact, I had a hint that it was a bad idea when I was taking Ransom and Tabitha out to the car in stages...getting wetter and wetter as I went...), I started to visualize how we were going to get into the library and every scenario involved badness, yet my pride did not allow me to turn around...and sure enough, it was awful.

And by awful I mean, Tabitha in the stroller with a broken umbrella draped over her, an umbrella that became more and more broken with every new gust of wind, letting in more water....and then me trying to navigate said stroller with one hand while I held my heavy two year old and another umbrella in the other. Ransom kept slipping and the umbrella kept sliding and, well, it was horrible. 

THEN once safely inside the library I figured we were through the worst, but wrong again...Tabitha, who is normally napping during the next hour and a half, had a dirty diaper and woke up crying. So, I grabbed her up, and took her and Ransom into the bathroom in the hopes that I could quickly change her before storytime started....

Hey, have you noticed that there is a healthy echo in public bathrooms?!? Well, THERE IS... and imagine a screaming infant objecting to her diaper change...and now add in a two year old who is objecting to the infant-screams by screaming himself....Yeah. I can imagine that the people clear on the other side of the library were hearing us.

But, we finally wrapped up the diaper experience and headed into story time ( where all the moms looked at me with a mix of horror/disgust and pity. By this time story time had started but Tabitha had NOT stopped crying. And then there was Ransom who was excited about singing the Wheels on the Bus, but who didn't want his mommy to leave the room with his screaming sister...lets just say we were the center of attention yet again....

Ok, that's enough. I'm done with this awful story, but basically the bottom line is that I am NOT a perfect mother of two. I have a LOT to learn, and above all, I must remember that there is no perfect parent and I must extend not only myself but ALL mommies a ton of grace.

One month...and counting.

One month ago today Tabitha entered the world a healthy, teeny tiny little baby. She still is super tiny, but more importantly she's still healthy.

I've wondered a bit about why this last month has been SO. INCREDIBLY. AWFUL. When  it comes to my own health. I've spent at least two days every week at the doctor or dentist this whole month. UNCOOL.
And I've actually wondered whhhhhhy. ( not that there has to be a reason...) to Brett in a very mournful, whiny voice...a voice I'm currently trying to teach Ransom not to use ( so far we have not made any headway...wonder why?)

But then today as I was writing Tabitha's Monthly Letter I wrote almost without thinking that it was so that I'd be continually reminded that she  was still healthy. I can't say that I was continually reminded. There have been many days trying to clothe, feed, entertain and discipline two children that I've forgotten the miracle that is there...but its true. And so in the midst of being sick and bat-bait myself I hope maybe I'll better remember that all those trips to the hospital could have been about her. They could have been for her heart, they could have been us visiting her while she lay in the NICU....But they haven't been. And that almost makes my own little woes worth it.
Sorta.