Two years ago today:

One of my favorite things: Mrs. Meyers.

When I was in the seventh grade one of my teachers gave me a little tea candle. I'd never had a candle of my own before so I was pretty excited to burn it in my room and feel super grown up. The smell was divine. But soon the little tea candle was gone and so was the smell, and since it was an unlabeled little tea candle I had NO IDEA what the smell was....But I spent the next 17 years hunting for it. Sometimes I would find something that was similar but nothing exactly until one day I happened upon Mrs. Meyers cleaning products and they were having a sale on candles. As soon as the geranium scent hit my nose I was transported back to my seventh grade bedroom...now, thats not necessarily a place I want to be, however the smell was still fresh and clean and not over powering. I bought three and headed home a happy camper.

And so my love for Mrs. Meyer's products began. It started with candles but it quickly spread to their counter cleaner. Also an amazing scent but no artificial ingredients that could harm my kids and an ability to make even the crustiest crustys come off of my counters and I had bought into the hype. During the holiday season they had this cranberry scent that I loooooved and I actually bought a bottle EVERY TIME I went to Target that holiday season ( apparently I went to Target a LOT because I'm only now on my last bottle and it's AUGUST). I'm hoping they'll bring the scent back next year ( fingers crossed) but even if they don't I'm in love with plenty of their other scents and products that I probably won't mind too much.
Ew, don't look at my nasty nail polish, but LOOK AT MY GORGEOUS STOVE TOP!

With a husband and two kids with incredibly sensitive skin the type of hand soap I use is very important. And let's be honest, I'm not the ONLY ONE who does dishes so my dish soap also needs to be gentle and all natural. Mrs. Meyers again, done and done.

Right now I've got the Lemon Verbena candle burning in my kitchen ( because friends, cauliflower may be good for you, but its NASTY smelling!) and I just finished up cleaning some pots and pans in a flash with the geranium  dish soap.  Basically in the half hour that it took me to complete my after dinner ritual I had used 4 Mrs. Meyers products. SO if you're already a fan of Mrs. Meyers tell me what your favorite scents are! I have basically stuck with the Honeysuckle, Geranium and Lemon Verbena but I'm curious if anyone loves the Basil and Radish scents, I've been tempted but they seem earthier than maybe I am? Has anyone tried their all purpose cleaners or toilet cleaners?
Also, if you HAVEN'T jumped on the Mrs. Meyers train you totally need to! The products are natural, good for the environment and the humans that live in said environment, and when it comes to "natural products" they are very reasonably priced! You can pick up most of these products at Target, HEB, Whole Foods, World Market and tons of other locations! And if you live in a small town without many options you can always hit up the Mrs. Meyers website to order ( sometimes they have no shipping fee days which is awesome!) and also to find out where products are sold near you!

As always, I'm a terrible "blogger" and therefore I am absolutely NOT getting anything from the Mrs. Meyers  company for writing this review! In fact, I have no idea how people go about getting those kinda freebies-but to be honest, this way you, my dear readers can always count on me to tell you the absolute true "Abigail Opinion" without any agenda or outside guidance, so win...I guess. haha!

What I know now- Two years ago this month

Can it really have been that long ago? It's so strange that we have put so many days between us and that day because I remember it so very well. It was 2 years ago this month that we said goodbye to our little girl, Priscilla, who at only 20 weeks gestation had already claimed my heart and my hopes. I think this time last year I was still incredibly raw and sad. Watching as my other daughter Tabitha grew and developed  as a little baby, it made me think of her identical sister a lot. I would wonder about their personalities and how they might have differed. All the what ifs- those where the things that got me that first year. Not the what ifs of her passing or our situation with twin to twin transfusion, but the what ifs of what her life would have been like if we'd gotten to keep her. 

This year has been different. Time has helped. Life has helped. And above all I know the Lord has helped me continue to heal. However there is one thing that remains with me as strong as it was 2 years ago, something I don't think will ever change or fade even the slightest. On that day in August I  learned about the frailty of this thing called having children. Right there in that hospital room with the ultra-sound machine beside my bed, I learned about the true nature of having babies. 

I know I am not alone here, those of you reading this who've lost babies before you even knew if they were a boy or a girl, or those who've lost them at birth or many years later, you know the reality too. You know the painful truth about the frailty of Life, the threadlike balance of being a parent. Honestly those of you who've looked at stick after pregnancy stick without seeing two lines, in a lot of ways you too understand this truth too. And wow, is it a doozy! Having children, having healthy children, boy is it a mysterious gift! 

I think I've done everything my little type A brain can think of, in fact, in the last few months I've put of the whole "lets put away the birth control and see what happens" off even more so with excuses about my health. How could I possibly get pregnant when I'm still overweight and sickly?!?  Let's be honest, as I type this I still can't eat solid foods after my awesome bout with throat problems this summer that delightfully ended with a tonsillectomy which still has me laid up! BUT you know what? Even if I was the very picture of health I'd find some other excuse to put off making our family bigger.  Because I now know, more than ever that you can do everything right and it can still end in heartbreak. And since there is no way of me to know for sure whether all will turn out perfectly, maybe I should just spar myself and just not have anymore children. Because, gosh darn it, now that I know this awful truth about how Life is so fragile, how could I possibly put myself out there again?!?! 

Now, don't stop reading yet! Because so far I've been very dire and not very helpful. But, something has become strikingly clear to me lately and that is something about God's character. Is there anything in the Bible that talks about maybe you should not have dreams because if they don't come true God will be less awesome and wonderful? Is there ANYTHING in the Bible that says that? 

Also, just because I now know just how much heartbreak hurts, doesn't mean that I can now avoid heartbreak forever and ever and that be ok. Because, I know now that to avoid heartbreak is also to avoid Life, oh and P.S. It's also avoiding God. 

I do not know when there will ( of if there ever will) be more pregnancy news on this blog, but what I do know is that if there ever is, I will most definitely be scared. I will most definitely have uncontrollable fears about it turning out like "the last time" and I will probably hold my breath for every ultrasound and heart beat. I will never be fully recovered from loosing my daughter because she was a Hope and Dream that will always be lost to me. But an even greater tragedy would be if I let fear of more heartbreak keep me from the rest of Life- That the fear of difficulty and loss would keep me from knowing more of what God can do. 

This post does not just pertain to babies, no it reaches much further, to the foundation of who I am. How much am I willing to trust the Lord? Am I willing to go ahead and dream big? Am I willing to tell the Lord my hearts desire and let Him hold on to that for me and see where that journey will take us? Am I willing to let Jesus be the Lord not just the Savior of my life?  Because knowing what I know now, that will be the most painful, heartbreaking, beautiful, wonderful, miraculous journey ever. 

And I'd do it again in a heartbeat. A tiny baby heartbeat.