Not given lightly

...that's the name of the Chris Knox song that I'm listening to at the moment ( can you believe it, I'm in the "N" section of my songs now!) I've always liked the song, and its always made me think of New Zealand.
Its kind of been a weird "I miss New Zealand" day, actually....I made Indian food for my parents which makes me think of where I first learned to love this particular food-group, and for dinner I had one of Lydia's favorite snacks ( Thai Chili sauce, cream cheese and crackers)...plus the fact that I dreamed about Carrington last night ( I've been having lots of dreams lately, I blame it on my allergy medicine)...plus the fact that I miss so many of my dear friends, and I feel like some of them are drifting away from me...sometimes because of my own fault...sometimes just because....either way it makes me sad. It makes me confused. I dont even know WHAT I want! meh. I secretly feel that if I went to New Zealand right now, it would be awful. I dont know why, but at the same time I am scared I'll never get to go back....I am afraid those friendships will slowly drift away until they are just pleasant memories of people I "knew once".
I guess that isnt so bad...its just that I devoted so much of myself...and I guess my stubborn nature will make me the last to let go....yet my pride will make me retract into a shell and pretend that I dont mind. Ugg. Sometimes I dont like the way I am. Sometimes I wish I didnt have such a complicated life. Sometimes I wish things were more straight forward. Sometimes I wish God would give me an itnerary for the next year just so I'll know a "general outline" of what is to come. Sometimes I feel like optimism is overrated. Sometimes I wish I didnt care as much as I do.

As you can see, I am in no frame of mind to blog...and yet, here I am...In the morning, I will most definitely wish I hadnt posted that messy paragraph above...