March 09, 2006

waking up...

I think its because my room is kind of hot, but I just couldnt wake up this eyes hurt to open, my head felt like a ton of bricks....but finally I perservered and got up...and now I am lying in bed with a giant glass of juice. the not even CLOSE to making me as happy as, say, a nice latte. *sigh* I'm trying to be sooo goooood and not drink coffee while I'm "kidney stoned". booo!
( oh, did I mention its my day off? that's why we're talking at 11oclock and I'm still in bed...)

*pause* An interesting thing has happened in the past few days my thoughts have struggled to come out in written form. There are little Word standing out from the rest....something that happened yesterday....a conversation....but they dont come together easily into a blog...I write paragraphs and then I erase them, not satisfied. This has never happened before, that I can remember...I've always written "straight through"...just writing exactly what I'm saying in my head....or at least, exactly what I want to say out loud. But lately....lately I've had to struggle with the written word. We've had to wrestle....

I've decided it a good, growing thing...its something I should revile in....I was talking to Emma last night on the phone about writing and she was getting on to me ( as a good friend should) about not writing my "book"...and I said something that I've felt for a long time now...I think in a lot of ways writing a book was a World Dream for me, in that, then the world could easily look at my life and say "She's a successful writer. She's had an impact. She's done great things." ...But I've realized recently that I'll need God to write my book for me...He'll need to tell me each and every step so that, in the end, it wont be my book at will be His. And so far, He hasnt written anything on my, instead, I must be faithful in what He HAS given me to write....this blog. Something that few could see as being "successful" ( afterall, anyone can write a BLOG)...that the world will shake their heads at and say "all that wasted talent." ...or something equally wrong. Because, sometimes waiting for the word "Go!" the hardest and greatest thing we can ever do.

Somedays, I feel as though I'm being selfish or self-centered to write this blog at all...that all of this has been a LIE. That it's just fueling my own need to be listened to and encouraged, cheered on by passing readers....but, then I am reminded that its HARD. That many times I DONT want to write anything at all...that I've had to share things I didnt want to, I've had too many people to count judge me for writing what I write..tell me what I should or shouldnt write...I've dealt with mistakes out in the open so that all could see me fumble and fall...and above all, there is something I can't fully explain that tells me that I'm doing the right thing, every time I pray,
"I'm going to stop writing in that silly blog..."

So I will continue....

I still have something stuck in my brain, and maybe if I just think on it for a while I'll be able to come through and write it down....and I PROMISE I'll annoys me so much when people say, "I have to stop writing now, but I'll be back in an hour/minute/two days/fifty finish this story." and then they never do.

It is like all the symphonies that never got finished, the novels that are missing last chapters....its the paintings lying there in first draft form...I feel like the world is just a little sadder for each one of these unfinished works.

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