September 04, 2006

Labor Day: What I'm laboring over.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table in my PJs drinking Airbourne with Sprite ( woo...its my new favorite anti-cold concoction).

Last night a phone call woke me up at 2:30. I then couldnt get back to sleep until 3:30. I admit I was SO angry at the person that called me ( and hung up before I got to the phone) that I maaaay have sent them a "dont call me at 2:30" text message at 3:30....but to tell you the truth, I feel like it was deserved. Deserved, until I know more details ( the "it was an emergency" reply text does not cut it) ...I think anyone who is friends with me knows how generally calm I am about receiving very untimely phonecalls....most of the time they are from NZ. And I'm pretty nice about them....but there is a LINE. And whenever I feel like something is going to become a HABIT. weelllll....we all know I value my sleep.

So yeah, I slept until 11:45. Which was nice.

So, last night at church I was thinking about something in particular-and i dont know if I'm going to be able to put this into adequate words but I would like to try, so bare with me.

My Spiritual life has hit the most interesting season I think I've ever faced: It is no longer easily discribed. For instance, for most of my life I was able to pinpoint the lessons I was learning at the time...and normally I was able to pinpoint things that I was struggling with in a pretty specific way. But, this isnt really the case anymore....its like I've jumped into a giant pool full of murky waters and I'm suppose to swim around in those murky waters until an undisclosed time.

The Pain. As I like to call it, I honestly dont know what I'm suppose to be learning from this...I mean, I've gotten lots of great encouragment from people, and God has given me so many verses on "He is strong when I am weak" and so on...but I constantly feel....unsettled....when I think about this pain and what I'm suppose to be getting out of it. I mean, am I doing this RIGHT? I wouldnt say me crying yesterday afternoon as "being happy in my weakiness"-and just to make it clear-they werent "Im in so much pain I must cry" tears....I honestly have gotten to a point where I can control THOSE these were I-am-so-tired-and-discouraged-about-this-I-am-actually-a-tad-angry tears....which, as far as I know arent "holy" tears. So, in a lot of ways I'm in the dark about what I am suppose to be learning...why this is continuing on...and what I should do NEXT.

Relationships. I opened up an envelope that I had put a list of goals that I had back in April. At the time I was trying very hard to put some "rules" and maybe some "definitions" on relationships in general. Yet, as of today...the beginning of September, I know less and less....and I have a feeling its going to become even more so. It is as if I tried to grab something tangible and it turned out to be sand...and the harder I tried to grasp it...its squished out through the cracks in my fingers.
Yes, the end result: I know prayers have become a LOT less about me asking for specific things and me just pleading that I'll make it through with a tinge of self-respect ( though its highly possible I wont get that request! ;-) ).....

My Work. I'm trying to grasp this one big time. I know that I have a loooong way to go before I'll understand where I stand when it comes to my "professional" life...when it comes to my actual intellect and what I am capable of...I feel like I'm years behind everyone I know on this particular front-because I've avoided this side of myself for years...mostly ( possibly ALL) because of fear. Fear that I'd find out that I'm actually not that smart, that I'm actually not talented at all...that Im going to FAIL.
I had NO IDEA that I believed these lies so very much...but after my first month of work has come to an end, I could not avoid that niggling feeling any longer.....I realize that I MUST address this, or I will never achieve anything-no, actually, not true...I will never be able to accept any accomplishment i ever make, and I wont be able to take a compliment...or be happy about my work. I wont be able to do those things unless I actually stomp the lies I've been LIVING neatly into the ground.

So, there you have it....last night I realized how very messed up I really am. It was great.

No, really! It was, because I realized that-more than ever before I know that its going to be ok. And that these struggles...well, its great that I cant define them, I cant put them into a box, I cant even write clearly about them...because now all that sand that has squished through my fingers is right back where it should God's hands. Whew!
No need to worry...this is going to work out.

I'm a mess, but I'm a mess that is a work in progress. Thankfully.

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