Seriously, its been a tough weekend. I was lonely and bored. Probably lonely because I was bored. Whatever. Anyway, it really came to an awful head when I went to the store to buy cake ( shut up, I like cake)....and realized that they didnt have a SMALL enough cake for just one person....
It was a dreadful moment.
I had to settle for Reisling instead. Poor Brett had to then put up with "giggly" Abigail on the phone. Anyway.
Spiritually struggling weekend. Wait, strike that...spiritually hard WEEK.
I dont want to be useless. I think its my greatest fear. That I'll go off to Washington and I wont be useful. I already know how to be useful here...here I've got my friends sorted, my church sorted, my job sorted....we're good to go. I mean, minus horrible moments in the grocery store when you realize you can't buy a cake that feeds 10 people to feed one girl who needs to fit in a little wedding dress, my life is really all sorted out. And I've got a good handle on things. But what about the future?
What if I can't find my Way? What if I get complacent?
I don't want to hit a deadend. I dont want to wake up and realize that I'd stopped being of use to God. Even if its just me praying to Him, worshiping Him. I dont want to realize a moment too late that I've squandered perfectly good time I could be spending with Him doing something totally silly. Like watching this season of Lost.
I've always wanted to write...to be published. But, I have this rule. That I wont spend a goodly amount of time ( and a book takes a long time to write apparently) on anything that isn't going to have Value. And so far, I havent been Given anything of value to write about. So I blog. Which, luckily, doesnt take goodly time at all.
So, I was thinking about this rule today, and I realized it really should be a part of all aspects of my life. Not just the writing. Is what I'm doing...does it have value?
In the next two months ( yesssss! Brett and I are getting married two months tomorrow!!! EEEE!!!), life is going to become a lot less normal. Already this is what my mind sounds like:....whataboutthemusicyounevertalkedtothequartetpeople
Yup. I bet you couldnt even read that. Well, believe me, I can hardly think with that going on in my head. And what troubles me the most is that I know all that is really Meaningless. So why can't I just STOP thinking about it all? Why am I plagued with these thoughts? And I dont want it to just get worse as time goes on, and my life becomes less and less routine and more and more newness.
Oh Lord, help me. As the verse at the top of this blog states...and will continue to state. Guide my steps. For my plans are nothing without You leading the way....