It's 6:15pm and I'm on my knees. My top half is draped over a giant green Swiss ball (the best position for my back I've found yet). I'm in Ransom's room and he's playing like an angel baby at his window.... Pushing a little farmer around in a little tiny tractor....
And I'm balling my eyes out. It's been building up for a while.
Who knows why today was hard? I didn't do anything differently on this Monday from any other. A morning walk, library time, lunch, Ransom's nap/my nap, grocery store...
But coming back from the store was hard. My body is so heavy, I get out of breath going up stairs much less going up stairs five times with bags of groceries. It's literally been 3 hours since then yet the exhaustion isn't gone. I could barely make dinner and feed Ransom.
For maybe the first time ever I was tempted to call Brett at work and tell him to come home. But what was I going to tell my husband who's been up since 4? "I'm tired, come home!"
And seriously now, what's so overwhelming exactly? Our child who's been playing by himself for hours now, talking to himself, making up conversations with his animals and little people? Was it dinner that took maybe ten minutes to prepare?
Friends, I'm crying because I'm so scared of the future. Of tomorrow and the next day. I tell my friends that I'm "so big" and I think they think that I am saying I look fat... They say, "no no no..." Or, "well you ARE carrying twins..."
But that's not what I mean, this has nothing to do with vanity. This has to do with the fact that my back hurts all the time, that it's hard to sleep and that I look like I did when I was 8 months pregnant with Ransom and I'm sitting at 4 and a half months. I'm afraid of what the second half of this pregnancy will bring, and we're talking the BEST case scenario where the girls are doing fine.
I literally do not know how I'm going to do this.
And so I kneel, drapped over a green Swiss ball, remembering that kneeling is a very good position to pray in. And I cry out for help. Because that's all I can do.
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