August 13, 2012

A Swiss ball prayer

It's 6:15pm and I'm on my knees. My top half is draped over a giant green Swiss ball (the best position for my back I've found yet). I'm in Ransom's room and he's playing like an angel baby at his window.... Pushing a little farmer around in a little tiny tractor....
And I'm balling my eyes out. It's been building up for a while.
Who knows why today was hard? I didn't do anything differently on this Monday from any other. A morning walk, library time, lunch, Ransom's nap/my nap, grocery store...
But coming back from the store was hard. My body is so heavy, I get out of breath going up stairs much less going up stairs five times with bags of groceries. It's literally been 3 hours since then yet the exhaustion isn't gone. I could barely make dinner and feed Ransom.
For maybe the first time ever I was tempted to call Brett at work and tell him to come home. But what was I going to tell my husband who's been up since 4? "I'm tired, come home!"
And seriously now, what's so overwhelming exactly? Our child who's been playing by himself for hours now, talking to himself, making up conversations with his animals and little people? Was it dinner that took maybe ten minutes to prepare?
No.

Friends, I'm crying because I'm so scared of the future. Of tomorrow and the next day. I tell my friends that I'm "so big" and I think they think that I am saying I look fat... They say, "no no no..." Or, "well you ARE carrying twins..."
But that's not what I mean, this has nothing to do with vanity. This has to do with the fact that my back hurts all the time, that it's hard to sleep and that I look like I did when I was 8 months pregnant with Ransom and I'm sitting at 4 and a half months. I'm afraid of what the second half of this pregnancy will bring, and we're talking the BEST case scenario where the girls are doing fine.

I literally do not know how I'm going to do this.

And so I kneel, drapped over a green Swiss ball, remembering that kneeling is a very good position to pray in. And I cry out for help. Because that's all I can do.

Sent from my iPhone

4 comments:

Sheron said...

I wish I were there so I could carry your groceries for you. You really should NOT be carrying bags up stairs multiple times. You are going to need a support group before the girls come--put out the word in your circle of local friends. If no one steps up, do not get groceries without Brett. You need to take care of yourself and the girls. Again, prayer continues. Love, Aunt Sheron

C-Cubed said...

Thinking of you and praying for you often, friend.

Louise said...

Oh Abbey, I wish I could be there to help! On a grocery level - surely you could get them delivered? We can and NZ is usually miles behind USA on that sort of thing.

In regards to the back pain and exhaustion and hormones (which do make carrying on harder!!) I will be praying for you and thinking of you x x

Melissa said...

Hey! I just saw this!

I'm going shopping for you.
Make your list.
Write me a check.
Tell me when.

I LITERALLY have nothing else to do.

Love you!