A wall.

I have two doctors. One is from Brazil and he is one of the top fetal specialists in the world, he has a very thick accent and can be both hard to understand because of this and also because he tends to never want to say anything for sure....which, given the nature of our situation, I understand....but boy can it be frustrating! But for the most part I really like him a lot. He has been so kind, so optimistic and he ultimately saved Tabitha's life to this point and for that I will always be grateful....
My other doctor is the first prenatal fellow in this particular field, which is still relatively new ( the surgery that I had was only developed in the last 7 years!) he is from Iran and he is much easier to understand but I also feel like he listens less and talks more. But I do feel like both of my doctors are really really good at what they do, and I am so thankful for all the care I have received.....

That being said, they are both bent upon releasing me from the hospital! They wanted to do it last week, but for whatever reason, I won that battle and got one more week in the comfort of hospital living. However, this week I am not so lucky and unless something drastically changes ( for the worse) I will be leaving the hospital in the next few days. In any normal situation I think I'd want to get out of the hospital but our situation is far from normal. For one thing, I'm pretty much homeless....sure we have fantastic people who've offered up their homes for my use, but its hard to fit all the criteria that the doctor has....being close to the hospital, stairs are frowned upon etc etc...and then there is the fact that my family does not actually LIVE in Houston! Every day is a logistical puzzle that, my sister in particular, has to sort out. Then there is the fact that my baby boy  is currently being taken care of by our wonderful family in Nacogdoches and while I know with all my heart that its the best situation for us right now, it is so so hard to be without my son. Somehow being in the hospital solidifies it in my mind that I can't have him with me....buuuuut take that away and I just see days upon days stretching before me, sitting around without getting to care for my kid. I'm not even sure if that makes sense. If just a change of location changing my attitude about all this makes sense to anyone but me....but that's the reality. I'm pregnant. I'm emotional. It's my prerogative to be a bit irrational.

Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll use this time when I'm feeling particularly happy about being in the hospital ( we always want what we can't have, right? Blah) I will tell you about how awesome this hospital is....I almost wrote hotel just then, because the room is pretty much that nice. Not only do I have a wall of windows ( crutial for my sanity), a fancy bathroom ( it's got water jets that come out of the wall from both directions plus fancy tiles every where and freshly delivered towels and toiletries pretty much twice a day). The staff is super nice and incredibly helpful. All the wonderful ladies who have come to stay with me over the last few weeks have barely had to ask for anything on my behalf OR theirs! There are also a slew of volunteers who are constantly doing nice things. Art projects, afternoon tea brought to our rooms. I am literally embarrassed about how great I've got it. Clearly another reason that I'm happy to stay.....

Buuuut, if I'm optimistic, and I want to stay pregnant ( and therefore basically on bed rest) for another month at least than I better pace myself. Even in a nice hospital like this, I'm sure I'd be going crazy if  I spent it all here. So, if all goes according to plan than I'll be moving into the Ronald McDonald house at the beginning of next week. This is yet another blessing,  I'm trying to be grateful for its provision. But honestly I'm starting to just feel....tired. Especially tired of being away from Brett and Ransom. Tired of the constant twists and turns and unexpected changes that seem to be an every day occurance. I just want to go home. I want normal problems like complaining about lack of sleep because I have a healthy newborn and a two year old....you know, problems like that. That would be so fantastic....