April 13, 2015

another little piece of my heart

Last week Tabitha had a anaphylaxis reaction to....something. We've narrowed it down to peanuts, tree nuts and strawberries because she embarrassingly had had ALL those things before the reaction started! In my defense ( though, is there really a defense in these cases?!?) she's had strawberries and peanuts on an almost weekly basis for a long time! But lets just say I've had a crash course in allergens and will hopefully make no more rookie mistakes.

Anyway, there is really nothing like sitting on a hospital gurney with your non responsive daughter in your arms as no less then six people swarm around her. Someone shoving an Epi-Pen into her thigh.  It is a nightmare. I will not forget it for a long time. Thankfully, this story ends happily-with a little girl running laps around a pediatric ward ( thanks steroids!) in her Minnie Mouse PJs happy as a lark. But it got me thinking...

Parenting is seriously the scariest most heart rending thing a person can do. Every day is allowing little pieces of your heart to just run around outside your body and it is an exercise in absolute faith ( and exhaustion) that we get any sleep at all! Tabitha has given me two major scares in her short life not counting the 9 month scare before she was even born, and with each one I just find myself spending a multitude of time in thanksgiving. We have truly been exceedingly blessed and I want to share one of the better blessings with you now.

I am at the very end of my first trimester with another little Wilson! Are you surprised? Or are you like my mom who was like, "Ok, yeah whatever...we knew this was coming. When should I mark my calendar?"
Well it doesn't matter because honestly I'm surprised. Not that I don't know how babies are made and we had stopped playing 'defensively" and basically since we've been very blessed in the past I did have an idea what might happen....but more that I didn't know if I was ever going to BE ready for the whole "getting pregnant, being pregnant" thing again.  To be perfectly honest the last three months have been down right rife with inward turmoil from guilt to grief to fear to joy to general nausea ( oh, that might have been just normal). I have felt it all.

I hope I don't need to go into why I felt all those different emotions. I hope I don't need to explain because I hope you know as well as I that children are a little piece of your heart-when you have trouble having them it is heartbreaking, when you lose one it is heartrending, when you have one it is heart exploding.

My own heart did not start beating normally until I'd had an ultra sound at 10 weeks and had the doctor check ALL AROUND IN THERE. I wanted every single nook and cranny searched before I gave a sign of relief. But luckily just one baby. And yet? A little part of me was sad...because I'll always miss having twins. It is ok to miss what we won't have. That is ok. But the overall emotion was relief. Relief that we saw a beating heart and that there was just one. Sure, sure, you're all saying, "But what are the ODDS you'd go through something like that again, Abigail?!" And I'm here to tell you, "What were the ODDS that it would happen the first time?!?" I'm a firm non-believer in odds.

So here we are friends! Mostly excited, still suffering a bit from PTSD when it comes to ultrasounds, will I ever EVER be able to look at one normally without hyperventilating a little bit about the status of my child?! The most fun part so far, hands down, was telling Ransom who can't WAIT to have a little brother a little sister is ok too, I guess. And while Tabitha could care LESS because when we told her there was no mention of cats whatsoever, I know she's going to love being a big sister.

And so there you have it! One more "new" thing to add to the pile of new things for the Wilsons in 2015....a new car ( which also proves the "if you build it they will come philosophy because I was NOT pregnant when we got that van!), a new house and now a new family member due to arrive in October....but don't worry...we've got at least one more "new" to surprise you with!! Stay tuned.....


Leila Tualla said...

How am I just now reading this for the first time??? Congrats and prayers for you and your little ones...... yes, I have learned that children are pieces of our heart running around - we certainly hurt when they hurt and be just as happy along w them. Hugs and congrats again!!!!!

Mary Vermeulen said...

Oh, how I love reading your posts! Oh, how I love the little people you post about and Oh, how I love you. God's goodness never ceases to amaze me and bring me to tears. First look at my newest grandson. Totally amazing little fella. Love him already. Loved him before first sight. Thanks for putting your thoughts into words. Another little piece of my heart, baby!