November 20, 2015

"I didn't expect for this to happen!"

( Read Justice's Birth story before heading into this particular post)

" I didn't expect THIS to happen!"

My thoughts as we headed through rush hour traffic back to the hospital - only 2 short weeks after Justice was born- I also said other things to God that I know He won't hold against me-but basically, I had been SO SURE that when I wrote "healthy pregnancy, healthy baby" on my prayer card for 2015 it was basically a done deal. And yet Justice continued to loose weight, my feelings of doom and gloom had been confirmed at the Doctor's office with an even more significant weight drop and then again after an Upper GI study where the Radiologist had labeled Justice as "in the top 10 refluxing cases I've seen in my whole career!" ( not the top ten list you want to be on)
So to the hospital we were sent with the lovely title of "failure to thrive"...now I've really had some pretty good hospital experiences in my day, I'd say we've been pretty lucky with good doctors, quick and correct diagnosis, and good care-but this experience was NOT. LIKE. THAT.
We had to fight so hard for every little thing...from getting admitted, getting a correct diagnosis ( it seemed straight forward, RIIIIIIGHT!?!), getting the proper treatment- even seeing doctors that would actually READ our history properly seemed like an uphill battle ( we had a doctor condescendingly explain to me that "babies loose weight after birth and that Justice was only about an ounce off from his birth weight" I practically yelled at her to get the facts right and that he was sitting at a pound and HALF under his birth weight!!) . But we kept getting pep talks from family and friends and we kept fighting hard for Justice's cause. The problem was we weren't really sure what was wrong and I was so discouraged by my seemingly unanswered "healthy baby" prayer that I'd been staring in the face since Justice's birth I felt so incredibly lost.

Three days past in a fog of confusion and-to be perfectly honest-hurt...I was so hurt that all this had happened. WHY was God letting something like this happen to us again!?! What had I heard wrong?! Why? WHY?

And then on Tuesday night as I sat in the hospital bed holding my weak and sick baby I hit bottom. I hit complete desperation and I have never in my life felt so homesick ( best word I can think of to describe how I felt) for Jesus. Not just what I know of Jesus but the in the flesh Jesus. It seems strange since I clearly haven't MET the in the flesh Jesus, but I knew right then that I needed Him.  I understood clearly how the parents of those dead and dying children felt who came and pleaded with the Son of God to come heal their babies that are told about in the Bible. I was there. And I asked Him to "come home with me" or the woman who pushed through the crowd to tough the hem of his clothes, or the friends who lowered the lame man through the roof...I was that desperate too.  The next morning I woke up and I heard clear as a bell "This is the day" in my head.  And I wrote this blog post: "This is the Day"  I had been proud and I had been hurt but I had finally gotten to a place where I knew that only the Lord was going to get us through this. And He had shown up and affectively promised that THIS was the day things would turn around...
All of a sudden the thickening of Justice's feedings started to work, the medicine he had been perscribed to move the food through his stomach faster seemed to be affective...Justice gained Three Ounces in one day!! And if this was a neat and tidy story-That would be it! Justice's weight would have kept going up and up and we would have been all smiles-but from the beginning this was not one of those Stories.... Instead for the next three days, while Justice seemed to improve outwardly ( less throwing up etc), his weight continued to drop... By Sunday we were told in no uncertain terms that if things didn't turn around in the next 24 hours we would be facing a feeding tube on Monday morning.
And so back to our knees we went- we prayed and fasted and I questioned all that had happened, it seemed everything was so much harder that I thought it would be:

 "I didn't expect THIS to happen!"
 Once again the phrase went whining its way through my head, but this time we just prayed harder we dug deeper and we waited....And sure enough Monday morning came, and Justice had gained an ounce and a half. It was enough to send him home... Without a feeding tube! 
Over the next four days we saw Justice go from three or four food losses in a day to one...then yesterday he didn't spit up AT ALL. He spit up less then a NORMAL baby would spit up! 
Today at his follow up appointment Jusrice had gained 1 pound 2 ounces in FOUR DAYS! His pediatrician looked at him and said:

 "I didn't expect THIS to happen!"

And that's the thing- that is what I'm just now starting to get my grasp on...none of this story is to be expected, in fact a lot of it can't even be explained- this story is a story of brokenness and healing and the unexpected and it is a story of healing and forgiveness and grace.  And so it is, that Justice begins his Life...I am sure there will be many more "I didn't expect THIS!" moments for him and for us- but one thing we can expect is for Jesus to continue to show up as He so obviously has over the last three weeks of Justice's life. 


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