June 20, 2005

for the sake of it...

Well, bum.

here I am at work, and I was reeeally looking forward to only working until 12:30 and having the rest of the day to do whatever....

yesterday was, well, I'll get to that in second.
Lets just say that I was looking forward to being a bum for a day- but then it turns out there was some family emergency.. yada yada...and Dee wont be in to work today.

Thus, me=ten hours of work.

Yesterday ended up being a good day- I mean, I was extremely sad about missing ALL THREE church services...booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I was working for the first one and then I went to Tyler with my family during the other two.
I knew that I could have stayed home and gone to church-but I thought it was important to spend Father's day WITH my father.
This is what I have to say about the day in Tyler:
I love my family and I had some very good laughs in the car.
I found myself in a very very uncomfortable position-for myself. As you all know ( if you read my blog) I have been struggling with denial, and dealing with things...and while I felt like I was really getting somewhere I found myself in a corner ( literally) listening to someone else's worries on the exact subject that *i* struggle with...I saw my own fears magnified in this person, I saw my own lack of faith, my own loss of hope. It was extremely uncomfortable and I just wanted to LEAVE. I wanted to RUN. I wanted to CRY. and possibly SCREAM.
I did none of the above but I did do a lot of praying for help. I got through it, though I wouldnt say "well"....I just sat in the corner and tried not to listen to what was being said around me-I wouldnt call that "dealing with" but I think it was a some sort of a revelation because I saw the dangers of what COULD happen to me if I let fears take control. I also saw the Faithfulness in the Lord, in that He helped me NOT scream or react in the way I SOO wanted.
I also found another lesson hidden in the situation as well, it always seems such "attacks" happen when all other circumstances are bad too. I mean, its hardly EVER just one thing...now, yesterday isnt the perfect example because the other circumstances were realtively mild in comparison-BUT I WAS extremely hot, extremely tired, my back was hurting and everything around me smelled like an ashtray...I wouldnt call it an ideal "fighting" condition. Once again...the devil never fights fair. We just have to face the circumstances, however unsavory, and ask for Help of our Warrior.

I'm sure I'll blog again later...its only 12...the day is only half over.

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