June 14, 2005

T for Trouble.

I should have KNOWN yesterday was going to be trouble. But, then, I've always been one to ignore trouble until its out of control....a good thing? nope, probably not. Its what is most commonly known as "survival 101"

What am I talking about, you say?

Well, it started when I woke up at 9AM and realized no one had woken me up for "Family Coffee at Java Jacks"....so I wondered around the house looking for the parents, I finally opened the back door and there was my father standing out in the yard staring at something next to the door...

"The puppy is sick."

As you MAY remember we'd been taking care of a puppy for the last five days or so; and there was the puppy curled up in a listless ball next to the door- not its usually "bite everything and run around till I fall over" self...

So my father and I kept a worried vigil next to the puppy for the next hour waiting for her owner to come pick her up and take her to the vet....
In the end it turns out she had some sort of sickness caused by drinking creek water that came from where she was born. She is now on IVs at the vet and will hopefully get better....its a miracle it happened when it did and not before- for instance if it had happened the day we got her than she could have died before we realized it wasnt just a dog being sad about loosing its owners....yes, while it was a bad thing you could say it happened at just the right time.

Silver lining in a dark cloud, right?
Sure, why not...I've always been one to either come up with a silver lining or go into complete denial. Its great, it works wonders...life goes on without too much badness.


September 2004: Bad thing number one.
Abigail's reaction: Shock, crying, pray for a miracle. Found a possible silver lining/denial.

October 2004: Bad thing number two. (miracle doesnt happen)
Abigail's reaction: More crying, find a silver lining, pray to accept it, pray for bigger miracle.

December 2004: Bad thing number three.
Abigail's reaction: Shock, disbelief, change miracle prayer ( but still a miracle). Denial found.

March 2005: Change back to praying for orginal BIG miracle.

April 2005: Bad thing number four. No miracle.
Abigail's reaction: Total sadness. more crying. pray for strength. pray for acceptance. pray for a break. Silver Lining.

June 2005: Bad thing number five. Bad surprise.
Abigail's reaction: No shock. Resentment. Anger.

June 2005 ( one week later): Bad thing number six. No break.
Abigail's reaction: No shock. Crying. Numb.


So, I just read over that...I know its not very clear- some of you know what I am talking about, some do not....
the point is, and i hesitate to share any of this, is that I am being FORCED to face the facts.
I am being forced to not have a silver lining. I am forced to not be in denial ( I mean, how can you ignore this?)

Believe me, last night was probably WORSE for me than the inital bad thing Number One. Reason being I no longer had hope for anything Easy to come out of it.
Yes, I admit it with NO PRIDE at all that I have always prayed for the Easiest thing to happen, the thing that would cause the smallest amount of Hurt. The smallest amount of Pain. I have not gotten the answer to those prayers.

So, today I tell my blog. I tell my blog something that is really personal. I tell you that I am weak. I am someone who has asked for the easiest road. And now when shown that that road will not be given I have been left with some not so nice things that I need to work through, things that I need saving from:

My hatred for the US justice system. I really must learn to forgive. Now, at the moment that seems like more of a miracle than any up till now.
My loss of hope for miracles at all. I havent seen any thus far and I dont know if I can pray for them now.

I think thats it for now. I tell you this because these are my darkest secrets, you probably wouldnt see them on the surface, when others who may even share my feelings talk about these things I run. I change the subject. I deny it.
But, I am THROUGH denying it. I am THROUGH because I dont want to be like this. I dont want to hate. I dont want to be hopeless.
There it is.

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