October 08, 2005

blog therapy

I dont know WHAT is wrong with me....but today, after not being able to sleep the night before because of it-and then finding myself dwelling on it throughout the day...I decided the only thing to do was to blog about it.

I am homesick for New Zealand. And not the usual general feeling of missing people-but the sick feeling in the pit of my stomache...something I havent felt since leaving the country almost ten months ago. I think possibly it has something to do with the weather change-since its getting colder I strangely think of new zealand more...well, maybe its not THAT strange since I had three years of straight winter because of my decision to live there...but I have still been generally surprised by these emotions coming up again so suddenly. I dont really know what to do with them and to tell you the truth I am annoyed with myself-I mean, isnt that what the past 10 months have been about??? MOVING ON????

One of my biggest fears in life is that I will ever look back on a certain period and say, "Man, that was the best time of my life." and I refuse ( REFUSE!!!!) to ever say that, because I have the full assurance that God has prepared a future greater than the present ( or the past) -that I am working towards something bigger, something greater, something closer to Him. And I guess, I just havent fully grasped that often to reach that which is bigger, greater and closer, that path can take a little more from you...that path can lead you away from your comforts, your loves, even your desires....

But, even as I say that, I cry.... and I wonder...is there something really wrong with me?! I mean, I KNOW this is where I am suppose to be...so why oh why do I not love it as I should?! Shouldnt my desires be the same as the Lord's desires?!

But truth be told....
I miss New Zealand SO much...I miss the laidback culture, I miss the beach, I miss the landscape, I miss the food, I miss the smells, I miss the accent, I miss the way its almost always cool or cold or a variation of the two...even in summer, I miss the stuff you cant even put your finger on...and, heck, I miss the stuff I use to hate....but most of all I miss my friends.

I fear letting go of my dreams...because I am afraid if I let go...I will never get them back.

I mean, sure I have resolved myself to being in Nacogdoches for a certain amount of time and then I've thought-then I will get to leave...I mean, who wouldnt love a little timeline to look forward to and plan life around? But, ultimately I know I could be here much much longer.....anyway, but for quite a long time now I've been actually happy to be here...I've felt confident in my place here...I've loved being with my family again, I've loved being with my church again...I've had the delight of building relationships with several people whom I hadnt spent much time with in the past, I'm comfortable with my job and I enjoy it most of the time....so WHY oh WHY is this feeling back?!

Is it because I DID put a timeline on my time here? Was that not something I should have done? Afterall, I havent gotten any promises from God about that...maybe I am just holding onto NZ because of stubborness.....maybe I have put part of myself worth in THAT dream rather than in God?! I dont know....all I know is that even as I write this....letting go...well, that still scares me more than anything....but still....
Oh Lord, I lay my life at your feet and if it is your will for me to never go back to New Zealand to live...I will praise you still.
Please help me to let go of my OWN dreams, my OWN desires...help me to lay my very life down at Your feet....help me not to turn that which you have given me into that which I worship...for I am weak, I am easy to stumble, easily distracted....
Why is it that I am so afraid to let go? Why am I so afraid to live a life that is "simple" and "plain"....and I put that in quotes because I know there is no such life for any Christian...so what is it that I fear?

No answers, right now...just gonna finish this little cry I'm having with God, right now....

"Trading all that I have, for all that is better...."

"Prepare your work outside, and make it ready for yourself in the field, afterwards then build your house." Prov 24:24

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