February 16, 2006

Forgive me...

This morning I woke up in the midst of an intense dream...a dream who's main actor I hadnt seen for a while. As soon as I registered the dream and thought about that person, my stomache was immediately thrown into knots.
"Uggg. I thought I was OVER all of that pain?!"

But, luckily, I've done this enough that I know exactly what needs to be done when something "pops up"-you've got to pray it out, right? So I sat down to pray...and hardly anything could dribble out....so I set out to write this person one of those "fake letters you'll never send" letters...and it wasnt until I got to the very end of the letter that I truly understood why the whole situation with that person is still sticking.
I feel guilty.
But, not for making them feel bad, or saying those things...I realize all of that is fine, I make mistakes, it happens...but its not THAT that is sticking, its the fact that I effectively cut off all ties with this person and I will never have the chance to truly tell them what was on my heart for them-I am ALWAYS obedient to tell people whatever I need to tell them, no matter how hard and uncomfortable it may be for me or for them...because God is more important, TRUTH is more important....but not that time. Nope, I let my personal feelings and fears get in the way.... human fleshly insecurity got in the way...and so, in the end, ironically, it was not truth that ended our friendship it was fear and insecurity. Mine. Theirs. Both. Ended, ended so that I never got the chance to tell them Truth.

As I write this, I realize that even this...even these much more important mistakes have been forgiven too. They've been wiped clean. I am constantly having to repeat to myself "There is not condemnation in Christ". For why is it that even though *I* know that the Lord has forgiven me, it seems to take me longer to forgive myself? I've been carrying this baggage around too long...and I've obviously hidden it well so that it fights its way out in dreams. But now that I've caught it, I'll lay it down...down at the foot of the cross where all my shameful mistakes and sins go to stay.

Ah, the baggage....lay down the baggage, my friends-whatever it is...you arent meant to be carrying it.

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