the really truthful one...

So, you may, or may not ( depending how well you know me...or how well you read into my blog) have noticed that I had a hard day today.
In a lot of ways it was carry over of yesterdays hard day plus a little MORE hard action added on top ( when it rains it usually pours ( or is that pores?) )...annnyway, by the time I got home from work I was totally and completely TIRED of being in such a hopeless state. So:

I took a shower...and I prayed...in the shower. If you havent done this, you should try it...because its really a great place to pray. People mention having a "prayer closet"...well, *I* have a prayer "shower."

And then, I talked to my sister...actually, this wasnt really part of my plan...but it really helped quite a bit, just to know that she's going through this as well, its helpful. Its helpful to have a friend when your walking down a rocky road.

And then, I came home and, later, I talked to Emma on the phone ( more talking)...for the future, whoever has the delightful priviledge of marrying me is going to have to be a super-duper awesome listener...because it is often the ONLY way for me to work things out...I mean, sure, usually I can work it out by writing it down.....but sometimes that just doesnt "take"...and then, talking is the ONLY way to go....

But, above all, its about the praying....lots and lots of praying...but, WHY, when its something really really important and BIG...and really really over your head that it is the HARDEST thing to pray about?! For me, I've realized, it has a lot to do with denial...to pray about something it to except that I NEED HELP...and to NEED HELP...means, there is a problem.

Well, there IS a problem. And tonight, this is what I have to say about it:
In a lot of ways I am still in shock that I've been placed in this postion that I am now in...I feel totally and utterly OVER MY HEAD...yet, its just now that I realized how good that actually is...I need to EMBRACE the fact that I am over my head...for really, doing anything in my own strength and awesomeness ( ha!) would have failed miserably anyway, no...now, I see how very LITTLE I have to play in this particular mess....I just pray that I am an open vessel...that I'll be faithful to wait...to wait to be filled...be faithful to be poured out...whatever it takes...whatever I must do, may I do it not in my own strength...for, it has become forever clearer that my strength is pitifully frail...pitifully weak.

"Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us."

"Blessed be the God and Father of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercy and God of all COMFORT, who COMFORTS us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfor those who are in any trouble, with the COMFORT with which we ourselves are comforted by God."