August 09, 2006

a reminder note to self.

So, remember when I posted yesterday? And you could tell I was a TAD upset?
Weeeellll....even though I was upset I still had to DO something about all those raffle tickets-so I made some phonecalls. And NOW in a matter of minutes I will be speaking to the entire faculty and staff of Nacogdoches High School...and since that OBVIOUSLY isnt scary enough for one day, later on...I will be speaking to Rotary ( which, for those of you that dont know-its this ultra club where business-y men and women get together and have lunch and discuss ultra important stuff. hehe) which is actually REALLY scary. Now, my little "speaking engagments" will only last for a total ( both together) of maybe four minutes...but maaaaaan...its scary, right? I could trip-I could fumble with my words-I could totally forget what I am going to say-I could have that horrible wavery sound in my voice that happens when you get nervous. All of this could happen.
And that is what I was thinking about last night, and then it hit me.
All of my nerves, all of my fears have to do with ME making a fool out of ME ( oh, and possibly the orginization that I work for..but probably not). And so my fears all relate to PRIDE.
Further more, I realized that my JOB if it where to fail-that too wouldnt particularly matter. I mean, God got me this job to begin with...I sure didnt think I could do it. And I still dont...but GOD seemed to think differently.
Soooo, if it ends tomorrow, He'll have a new plan.
And if I mess up today, than that too will not matter.
Yes, the last week and a half have been, well, difficult. And I would have to say its fully grounded me on this earth. But, oh, to see Heavenward, to know that THIS doesnt matter in the long run. That my prayer today should not be that I please not make a fool of myself, but instead that somehow today I can bring His love into someones life, that I can honor Him in some small way. Yes, THAT is my prayer today.
Today is not my own.

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