So, after sending two random and scattered emails to my father in the space of two hours...one stating that the sermon I had uploaded from the Mission's podcast had died on me 15 minutes in ( ironically the sermon was on self-pity...and while during those first fifteen minutes I had identified that, yes, "I am displaying some of those tendencies right now"...I had not reached the part of the sermon that would have gotten me OUT of such a state...)
and the second email was after I had spent an hour trying to "get credit history" by having a credit card...ironically, you need a credit card to get credit history, you cant get a credit card without credit history....
So, anyway, after those two emails I'm pretty sure Papa's going to worry about me. Darn it. I dont want him to do that...so instead....here's the blog that'll hopefully end all positive-like.
Anyway, all of this to say the last few hours have been kinda hardish. I burst into tears twice ( of course, unlike the rest of my family that includes REAL LIVE TEARS). Did some bible reading. wrote in my journal. wrote a message to my sister-in-law. and I prayed. and now i'm listening to "How deep the Father's love for us" over and over again on itunes. Because that's just how I roll...
You see, dear friends, while I have been mentally preparing myself for weeks for Brett's two weeks out in the field-I forgot about building up the proper defense against this week...this week has proven to be: yesterday Brett arrives home at 8:30...and then tonight....tonight I just got an text saying "probably more like 10:30"....yeah...well, its 10:39 now. I dont know what I'm MOST upset about...well, probably its the injustice of the idea that when Brett finally DOES get home tonight, he'll just have to get up 4 hours later and do it all over again. I've never been more protective of a person in my life. Army Strong, Army Sleepdeprived.
But, whatever the case...I realized tonight a few things about myself.
I like to be "self-sufficient". Which shows itself in the crazy-planning I've been doing for myself about "the two weeks". I have( had) pretty much convinced myself that all was going to be "perfectly fine" as long as I followed all my "keeping busy plans".
Of course, I forgot to really pray about it ( in passing doesnt count). And I also forgot to think about today rather than tomorrow. And most importantly I forgot about putting this day into His hands...to give him today and not just the days that I thought ( in my infinite wisdom) I would need His help.
To place my trust in Him is really ALL there is.
I'm reminded of the song that pretty much got me through 2005.
Way to go Hillsong:
.....My hope is in the Name of the Lord
Where my help comes from
You're my strength, my song.
My trust is in the name of the Lord
I will sing your praise, you are faithful
I need to remember this, I need to remember where my Help truly lies...not within myself...not in anyone else....there is NO other answer. For my Trust is truly in the Lord. For He really IS faithful.
Of course, I still dont have a credit history, and in the great sceme of things, I think that's what's truly important, don't you?!