April 20, 2011

In the darkness

It's been a long time since I've found myself burning the midnight oil.
When I was single, when Brett was deployed-times when there was no one around to know just when I went to bed, it was easier then to not let the sun rise without fully hashing something out with God.

But honestly it was needed tonight-for me to get out of bed, go sit in the chair....get down on my knees and listen...

Listening is the hardest of all the work. Its where I fail the most. I fill up my silences with worry, with questions, with answers ( of my own making...usually wrong), with distractions.

But tonight the weight on my shoulders just got too heavy and it forced me down (to my knees). And I am glad of it.

Friends, I am not totally better-the weight is still there, the lump is in my throat. And I know, I'm not explaining what the weight is exactly, and that's because I'm not even sure myself! I just know that I've been having more and more arguments with my fleshly self and my fleshly self keeps winning. I also know that there are humungo changes going on in the ministry we're involved in and its left me feeling lost and confused of what to do next. Anyway, those are the factors, and its not like they are now magically gone. But I would like to share this poem with you:

The growing darkness closes in 
like some thick fog, 
engulfing me-a creeping horror-
till I learned, 
"the darkness hideth not from Thee" ( Ps 139:12)

"The earth was without form and void." 
Upon the deep
such darkness lay;
O Light, Who first created light,
do Thou the same 

As in a darkened room
one knows-
knows without sight-
another there,
so, in the darkness,
sure I knew,
Thy presence,

and the cold despair,
formless and chaotic, merged
to a soft glory;
as a child
terrified by dark,
lies quiet
within his mother's arms,
no wild
fears shall torment,
my weakness now. 
The dark-the dark-
surrounds me still. 
But so dost Thou!
~Ruth Bell Graham

I am still in the dark about what I need to do next, but I do know Who is with me...and I think that was it! I think I was starting to doubt His being there...as though because I'd been naughty He'd left and was now "teaching me a lesson" by not being there...silly silly and wrong thinking!
In reading the rest of Psalm 139 ( seriously, can the Psalms get any better than this one?!? Honestly! Its for reals my favorite...if a favorite was to be had) I was struck by verse 8..."If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol you are there."  I was reminded right here that He is with us no matter WHAT messes or successes we get ourselves into, HE is the same yesterday, today and forever...He is not dependent upon how I handle myself! Whew! Sometimes I need reminding of that. Jesus IS unconditional Love.


crumbshappen said...

Thank you for sharing that.

Lindsay O'Connor said...

That's my very favorite passage of scripture! Thanks for the reminder. It's easy to feel far from Him when we mess up, but the more I realize how much of the time I mess up, the more glad I am that He is still there!

Anonymous said...

praying for you. i can identify with fleshly wars and...it winning. i'm learning more about grace and trust than i ever have before. nothing is better than His presence.

Anonymous said...

What a marvelous poem. So glad you are at least trying to listen- hardest part for everyone- and He knows. Love you, Mama