August 24, 2011

A private thought

I'm about to write about something I don't fully understand. I've been trying to and I've decided maybe its just not meant to be at the moment and I should just write what I do know and we'll go from there.

I'm pretty sure last week I was depressed. Now, for those who I know who suffer from real depression I do not want to belittle or trivialize what is a real and true disease. So instead I'll just call it a serious Downer.

It had probably been coming on for a while though, because for the last few months my life has looked a bit like a horror film. People dropping like flies. Or should I say, people, fellowship any kind of anything. First, our Navigator community did some DRASTIC changing, changes that I will caveat by saying that I still ( even after what happened) believe in the fundamentals of...however, the result was that Community DISAPPEARED from our lives. Where we use to have Friday night BBQs-nada. where we use to have Chapel-nada. Where we use to have lunch after chapel-nada. Where we use to have Sunday night Searching the Scriptures Bible Study-nada. Where we use to keep track and know what was going on in the lives of the other leaders and laborers-nada. It went from weekly meetings, to every so often, to pretty much nothing. ( I'm leaving out a lot here, like the fact that a lot of people went out and started their very own small groups for the first time ever, and people who would never walk into a church or chapel were getting to hear the good news of Christ....this is why deep down I was positive and excited through this whole process...because I thought that ultimately the good was out weighing the bad...) , on top of that my friend Adelaide deployed (boo), my friend Amy moved ( boo),
and to be honest if I hadn't had walking with my friend Miranda in the mornings I wouldn't have seen anyone all week. And if it hadn't been during the summer where I had a trip to Texas, several visits from friends and family mixed it, then well....things would have probably come to a head even sooner. Because...the other major change that was going on was Brett's work.

 I've already talked about this on my blog so I won't go on and on, but basically Brett's work took it up a notch. And last week it took it up an even further notch and he's FINALLY GETTING HIS COMPANY! This is super exciting! For those of you non-army types ( lots of you), basically Brett's going to be the company commander for about 100 guys. Large and in charge. He's going to be wonderful. So, to break that down though- he'll be going from an intense horrible job with horribly long hours to hopefully a more fulfilling, exciting job with equally, if not longer, hours.

And I was. At the end of my rope. People I never would have expected this. I never expected to feel so utterly alone.  Its not that I didn't have friends, or I didn't have people around. But I learned that I didn't just need human contact, I needed deeper communion. I needed a more spiritual connection that happened on a regular basis. I felt like we were drowning.

Anyway. I'm nervous about writing this. Nervous that it'll hurt someones feelings or make someone mad.  But, I'm writing it anyway. I'm writing it because its ultimately its how I felt.  That's why I'm calling it a Downer. Something that made me take naps every day. Something that made me cry, and I mean seriously cry three or four times ( for a non-cryer that's TONS). I mean, I was seriously taking pregnancy tests like they were going out of style. But ultimately I think it boiled down to the fact that we are not made to go at this alone. And I actually think that I, personally, am not even made to go at this life with just one or two people. I'm a village girl. I need a crowd of people in my life.

I want my crowd back.

I've been reviewing some of my old memory verses this week and I was in the car and I got to Hebrews 10:24-25. "Consider how you may spur others on towards love and good deeds.  Do not give up meeting together as some or in the habit of doing, but encourage one another and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

And, this is embarrassing to admit, but when I memorized this a long time ago I always thought I was memorizing for other peoples sake because I had never had a problem with that before!! Well, there I was in the car and I literally said, "oh." out loud...because that is EXACTLY what we, I  had done.

And after I figured that out, I magically no longer needed a nap any more. Now I just want this fixed. Really really fixed.

Please pray for the Fort Benning community that I'm "suppose" to be involved in. One thing that really sealed the deal for me was thinking about Brett deploying again. When thinking about it I thought about how last deployment my Fort Lewis community/family seriously got me through that deployment. But when thinking about Brett deploying again all I could think was: "I'm going to be SO ALONE." Now, I know that's not going to be the case, and I know that God will take care of Ransom and I when the time comes, but the fact that I even thought that...that's trouble! So, praying and seeking the Lord and having great Hope in a community that I still very much believe in, that we WILL get back on track!


Louise said...

It can be so easy to lose community when things change - will be praying for you x o x

Melissa said...

I am so grateful for your honesty and for our short talks this week. At our battalion coffee last night, many women expressed feeling this same type of experience and emotion lately, even our BC's wife, and so I think it's very indicative of our lifestyle and the current pace of Kelley Hill.

But... no matter what goes on with work, we must be faithful to bear each others' burdens and build each other up!

We love you guys and will all try harder to fellowship in the tiny cracks between all of the madness. You're not alone! :)

Stacey said...

Girl, you've gone through SO much change and constantly have changes thrown at you from all directions with Brett's job. This is totally understandable. I know this sounds silly, but I've heard when you are down it's good to get some healthy fats in your diet. Things like avacados, olive oil, flax seeds, walnuts, tuna and other fishes (you know, things with Omega 3 fats). You might be down because these good fats are down in your system, so work them into your diet for several weeks and see if that doesn't help some.


donnave said...

Sounds like these girls have your back...praying for you all!

Esther said...

Ummm, Stacy forgot to say dark chocolate. It's awesome because it's a healthy fat and it's chocolate ;)

Missing you!

Lindsay O'Connor said...

Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. You still have time before he goes to make a new community. We will be asking Him to bring the right support team and friendships. Hang in there! Ransom is still really young and it is not easy. Grace, grace, grace. Hugs to you all, Amber