double mint gum

If you haven't read the post entitled "Mother's Day" please read that one first...otherwise you're in for too much of a shock.incidentally this post was also written several days ago.... 

So, last Thursday I started having some bleeding. And in pregnancy world, bleeding is always bad....while I wasn't having any pain I still felt like I needed to make sure everything was OK. So my good friend Rolinda came over on a moments notice to watch Ransom and off I went to the Emergency Room.
It really went fast as far as ER visits go, and Brett was even able to meet me there and stand next to me while I was poked and prodded. The ER doc was able to see that yes I was having some bleeding but it looked like a full-on miscarriage was not happening at that moment, and he was even able to get an ultra sound of baby to verify a heartbeat. And so we were sent home with the knowledge that while the baby was OK right then I just might be at the beginnings of a miscarriage and we wouldn't know anything substantial for a few more days.
The waiting game.

Abigail's favorite.

However, I really did have peace about everything, and felt sure the baby was going to be ok. That night I was going through some of my old blog posts and I read this old Easter post, which if I do say so myself is really really good ( hehe)...basically the idea that God knew how hard it would be for his disciples and followers to have to wait through the awfulness of Saturday after the events of Friday...not knowing the joys that Sunday would bring...well, I was helped by this. I was helped by the reminder that sometimes we are just called to wait.

So wait we did.

Which brings us to today....off I go to the doctor to have confirmation that I am still pregnant. I felt sure that it was a confirmation and not the opposite because its been a week and I haven't had any more bleeding. I've also been increasingly nauseous and for once this was a good thing...a good thing in that it was a tick in the "I'm still pregnant"category...

So, the OB doctor starts checking me out, everythings good, she does an ultra sound and there's the baby! And there's the heartbeat! Yay!!

But wait....

What's that.....

"Is that another baby?!"says the doctor.  ( she adjusts her wand and sure as day there's another baby on the screen...)

"You're having twins."

And that's when my brain chose to assume I was in an alternate reality. Or that I'd all of a sudden become famous and was on MTVs Punkd.  Because seriously?!?! TWINS!?!?!?!

We don't have twins on EITHER SIDE. ( Unless Brett's hiding something.) And in all of my speculation I have NEVER even CONSIDERED that I would have TWINS. I'm not one of those people. You know, one of those people that God deems "strong enough"...

Anyway, I had a good cry waiting on my doctor to return. And I've been processing the news for a few hours now. And bottom line is that God knew this was coming. He knew. He knew.

(the next day)
So today it was confirmed that I have a Subchoronic Hematoma ( feel free to google that, I know I did). Basically if it bursts I could have a miscarriage.
Scary. I'm scared.
And yet I'm also tentatively not. Fear just seems like such a crazy emotion right now...I'm afraid of having twins. I'm afraid of loosing them. If there was ever an opportunity to lean upon the Lord this is it! I woke up this morning thanking Him for once again putting me in a place where there is NO WAY that I can ever ( ever, ever) do it on my own. I cannot keep these babies safe and healthy/ keep this hematoma from bursting, I also have a pretty strong suspicion that I cannot take care of two infants and a toddler alone either...so yes. Lord, I'm holding on tight to you!