December 02, 2012


Yup, it's a Sunday and I'm posting again. Really these should be the BEST days for me to post, right?! Another week down and all that jazz....but as I've said before I inexplicably forget the positive and can't see the forest for the trees on Sundays.

I just went through an entire box of tissues in one of those totally awesome sob fests where you look like a cross between Emma Thompson in Sense and Sensibility when she fiiiinally cries at the end ( but that's technically a "happy cry" so we cross it with...Kim Kardashian crying when she gets a divorce after only 72 days.. The. worst. Ugly. cry. ever. And yes, I just put a classic movie and reality TV together in one sentence.

Honestly, I am telling myself that I am writing tonight's post as some sort of trout to "honesty" blogging where I never give the impression that I have my life together, but in reality I am blogging for therapy. Therapy blogging. It's free. If you don't want to hear my complaining come back at my next post...

Complaints begin here:
I am so so so tired of living here. I'm tired of having zero semblance of control of my life. I can neither be a good mom or a good wife on a daily basis. On one hand I'm so grateful that my parents are such great parents and are fully capable of caring for my son, but a part of me smarts that he relies so greatly on them for his "parenting needs" even when he's visiting me. It's humbling.
And as for my wife skills. They basically consist of paying our bills online. And you can imagine how great THAT'S turning out for me....

I'm tired of living in this one depressing room and missing my Christmas tree. Have I told you how much I love my Christmas tree?! I bought it three years ago with my birthday money. It's pre-lit and it has holly berries in it. To all those people who are stark "real tree people" I say come over and look at my tree when it's all decorated and I've lit a Yankee Candle "Christmas tree" candle and TELL ME it's not awesome. Of course, none of you dare speak against my tree now, especially since I'm likely to break into my Emmadasian cry...but whatevs. I know my tree is great and I am really missing it. I miss sitting in the dark with only the tree lights makes every night from Thanksgiving till New Years festive.

I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm in that totally awesome really fat phase where even maternity clothes look at you and laugh. That phase where people say "you're glowing" because "glistening with sweat" doesn't sound as nice. I'm in this awesome place where my doctors ask me how much weight I've gained and I lie about all the Christmas cookies I've eaten at the Ronald McDonald house. I daydream about going for runs and being able to see my feet.

I'm tired of being scared of Tabitha's arrival because I do not know how it's going to turn out. I do not know whether our future is full of joy or full of more sorrow....I am tired of being mad at myself for wanting this to all "get over with" because I know that me staying pregnant is really what is best for her.

I'm just so tired.

Oh, hey, it should be noted that I think I'm coming down with a cold. I have a sore throat and on top of that my left side has been hurting like the dickens since last night ( meaning I didn't sleep much). And it's Sunday. So tomorrow will be better....

( here comes the part where I end on a positive note:)

And guess what?! We made it to 34 weeks!! This is SO CRAZY! I don't think aaannnnnyone thought I was going to make it to 34 weeks. Not me, not my family, not my doctors. Tabitha is a little miracle plain and simple and I rejoice in the blessings of her crazy kicking in my stomach right now. I am thankful for how she has recovered in such miraculous ways, it's hard to even remember when she was quite literally stuck in a corner (insert bad Dirty Dancing joke here) and most of her organs had completely shut down. This baby is a gift. I am so thankful for her in every way right down to this journey that her life has put me on. Little girl, your story has a great prologue.

So here's to three more weeks at least. And since the last 5 months of drama are behind us, that shouldn't be too hard....right?

I'll probably need more tissues though.


The Spychallas said...

Friend, I love you. I hurt for you. I have no "it's all going to be better" little phrases because I know you know that and I know it's not what you need. But I DO want you to know that you are very much in my heart and in my prayers, and I will listen to you complain anytime.

Renee said...

Popping in to say hello. I'm with you, the whole situation sucks. I still feel like I'm walking around under a cloud and I'm back home. You know what I miss about RMH? Everyone is in the same situation. People *get* how hard it is. Everyone is suffering to a certain extent. You and Tabitha are in my prayers.

JCB said...

Hang in there, friend! I'm praying for you.