therapy.

So, clearly, this whole writing the girls story business is going to be harder than I thought. But also therapeutic because there are some things I have literally not thought about in a long time, and definitely things I haven't necessarily put into words.

Writing is really my cheapest form of therapy because it makes me sit here and think things through enough to where I can get it into words, then sentences and then paragraphs-till hopefully it can go back into my brain ( through reading it back ) neater and tidier than when it came out.

That being said I totally cried this afternoon. I skipped ahead a tiny bit ( so far I've been going sequentially) to get the months of July and August out of the way....they have been weighing on me ever since I started writing a week ago. They are the months leading up to the surgery and in some ways hold the most emotional baggage of our experience-much more so than the time directly after the surgery. I'm sure there is a good explanation for this, but I'm not exactly sure what it is yet....when I figure it out, I'll be sure to write it down. ;-)

Digging around creates....dirt.

So, it has been impressed upon me recently that I must write Tabitha and Priscilla's story in its entirety, before I forget all the little details that sadly fade with time...
This means that lately I've been sitting down in front of a Word document a couple of times a week and weeding through the dusty archives of my memory. I can't tell you the last time I've sat down in front of a word document for this long....actually, I can. It was in college.
That being said, its good to write, though, at times it is painful. Having to relive in my mind and heart the excitement and joy ( oh, ok, and FEAR) that we experienced when we found out we were having twins....its hard to conjure up. Love lost is hard to think about. Expectations that will never be met are hard to look at full in the face.

If I'm honest I think I was afraid that it would bring on other feelings, things like bitterness or even embarrassment ( like, how could I be so silly as to think that God would give ME twins?!). But, really bringing up these memories just brings them into the Light. The light of His truth.

There is such freedom in the truth and in the Light. And I know that this will be good for me....especially as one who tends to error on the side of denial... digging around in my memory and my heart are probably a good idea.

That being said, bear with me....I don't rightly know how this will affect my blog. In college, writing assignments actually made me blog MORE ( a mixture of procrastination and also having all that pent up creativity brought to the surface), but given that I have two children and a husband-these days my time is so limited in the writing department it might mean this blog is neglected-who can say?!
But I wanted to give you a heads up just the same....

And if we're all good...maybe at the end of this I'll have a Story to share....

A grown up Mommy.

This week I visited preschools....next week I am interviewing babysitters. This makes me feel like an adult. Kind of like when I first got a job, I grabbed my car keys and my cup of coffee in a travel mug and headed out the door....for some reason that was some kind of cliche in my mind of what a grown up girl who has a job does. ( I almost said working girl. ahem.) Anyway, for my preschool tours I got dressed and put on makeup way early in the morning ( like before 9am) and went and presented myself all collected like and asked questions like, "do you focus more on socialization or on a specific curriculum?" which, if you think that's an impressive question, you'd be right...I got it from my sister. I asked her what to ask about because I wanted to seem like I knew what I was talking about... This was, of course, an act because I've been extra air-headed lately.
 I went to Michaels to buy a frame for something that Brett wanted framed, and I took in the picture so that I could look at it with the frames...then I bought a frame and walked out of the store...leaving my picture behind. fabulous.
I also went to the store today and left the garage open....luckily the grocery store's electricity was out (!?!) and therefore we werent able to go and I was home much faster than I would have been...but still...you get the point...

So next week, I am interviewing baby-sitters. I've never had to do this because I 'inherited' my last baby sitter from my friend Marie. Liz was the greatest thing to happen to babysitting and so I had her for the last two years. Now I am faced with the sad job of trying to replace her. Its awful. I actually cried after her last time with Ransom.
So, what kind of questions should I ask? I'm so nervous! I don't want to be more nervous than the person who supposedly wants a job from me! Eek! So, if anyone has any advice for me as far as good probing questions that will weed out the "soup opera watchers" from the "I make up crafts to do with your child" sitters, I'd be appreciative....
Ok, back to parenting. Tabitha and I are going through sleep training at the moment. It's been much harder with her, ironically, because she's such an easier baby.  With Ransom he was so grumpy and crying all the time, a little crying at nap time and bedtime didn't bother me so much. I was immune. With Tabitha, she's just so sweet and good....I feel so bad to hear her crying and thus I cave pretty much all the time. Ah well, if there's anything I've learned this second time around its to not be too hard on myself, this parenting thing is not so set in stone as the books make it out to be. For instance, your toddler will be adorable, dancing on the hearth for his bear and lamb one minute, and throwing an all out fit the next minute. This is life.
Maybe I'll ask my possible babysitters a "hypothetical" question regarding two year olds with multiple personalities...

Smother mother council

Brett started "work-work" this week meaning he'll be working all week. Something we've thankfully haven't had to experience for almost a month! Glory glory! It has been so incredibly nice to take a breather as a family. We needed it.

But, now I'm back being full-time mommy and I'd forgotten how hard it is. You just don't get anything done. Which is why I'm blogging right now instead of taking a shower. Who needs showers? Besides I did things backwards today....I got up early, put on makeup and got all prettied up and such and went to a preschool tour, then I came home and worked out. So, you know, my body isn't really sure whether it smells like sweat or perfume, or if it looks like nicely applied eyeliner or very messy hair....eh.

So, yeah, lets talk about that preschool tour....That's some overwhelming stuff! I know Ransom would really love the socialization and the routine of going back to preschool in the fall ( he loved it so much when he was in Nacogdoches, he STILL talks about his teachers) but Momma is having a hard time with the idea! I mean, just thinking about my little dude being there without me is hard! I know, I know, I was without him for months but that was necessity and now I'm back to clinging on for dear life. But, I don't want to be a smother mother so, I'm doing my Mommy-duty and I'm putting on my cute shoes and make up and pretending that I do that every day, and I'm visiting preschools....

sigh 

I'm feeling extra smother-y because last week Ransom had an allergic reaction to a bug bite at the park and we had to rush to the Doctor and we were sent home with Epi-pens. Eeek! Way to freak out a Mommy by giving her a shot to jab into her son's leg in an emergency! It was the reminder the "worrier" in me "needed" to amp up the worry. And yet, I'm fighting it. I know that these are all things I cannot control, and the only thing I can do is my very best for any given day...today it was sidewalk chalk and playdough...and tomorrow we'll try to make cookies. If I can't protect them from everything, at least help me to give them some good memories...

Different

What happens in a month? A lot. And while I've known my blog was being heartily neglected, I knew that it was probably a good idea because my head space was probably the messiest it has been in a long long time. Nobodies got time for that. Or rather nobody has time to read that....

But for better or worse, I'm back and this morning Brett gave me some time to go be. Which basically means, away from children, away from house, away from husband... to think a little bit more clearly.

So, I sit here in my new city...San Antonio ( if you don't know how we got here: Read this post!). I am full of thankfulness. Thankfulness that we made it to San Antonio at ALL. Amazing.
Thankful that we're here to do life and ministry with such wonderful friends. Thankful that the Lord "picked out" a house for us ( I didn't see it until we'd affectively already moved in.)...a house that's perfectly hidden behind a large nature reserve, but close to Super Target and Nordstroms rack*. It even has a horse farm down the road that Ransom already loves...how does God know even the things that we need that I didn't even know!?

In reading of the Bible this past week I read this verse:
"So he called its name Rehoboth, saying, for now the Lord has made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land." Gen 26:22

That's how I feel. I feel like room has been made for us, and even though I've still got growing pains that all new places bring-getting lost on the way to this coffee shop, for instance. I know that this is where we're suppose to be and I will believe that we will be "fruitful" here.

We're in a cool place of being perfectly in the middle....the middle between our dear friends the Woods and the Thars who are all grandparents both physically and spiritually, and the students at Fort Sam Houston that are all babies ( ok, they're probably 19 or 20 on average.) that we are trying to share the love of Jesus with....its gonna be pretty fun, I think. And very very different.

I'm ready for different.



*I had to pull out our dusty budget and revamp it....I've never had trouble staying in our budget, but after living here about two days I realized I was going to be in trouble if I didn't do something....girlfriend likes have so many fun things close by. hehe)