May 09, 2005

Episode 2: Revealings of gatherings

So, as you may know, if you read my blog on a regular basis...I was having a tough time in the past two weeks or so....I felt unwanted...unneeded....I also got super homesick for NZ. Now, I SAY also, but on Saturday night I was at a small gathering of friends and I realized how very connected those two things were. ( duh!)

How it was: In New Zealand I counted myself lucky that almost everyday I was surrounded by the best of friends...they were supportive, they were fun, they knew me and loved me and I knew and loved them. And there were SO many of them!

It was hard to leave. We've established that.

How it is: In the US my group of close friends is much much much smaller...down to one close friend that lives in the same town ( my sister). However, I made myself feel better by saying that at least I had about *counting* five people that I could for sure call on and do fun things with on a regular basis...I counted them as friends and I hoped that our friendships would grow. I was optimistic, was ready to start devoting time to those in the PRESENT....but then i felt myself being dropped like I was hot. ( I love that phrase!) I saw myself not being important enough to keep...I saw a friend disappearing. And while I KNEW we hadnt been that close to begin with...I had always figured we would become better friends...I had enjoyed good, seemingly genuine conversations, laughs....I had not seen THIS coming.
I hadnt been "rejected" by a friend since...well...since I was little. Ow. it hurts.

So, there I was, sitting in Java Jacks surrounded by very cool people...and I thought...but what about these? Will THEY decide its not worth it too? Will THEY get caught up in something "more important" too? I started to emotionally unattach myself RIGHT THEN.
I continued to laugh.
I continued to chat.
I continued to seem unaffected.

But it wasnt the same...and I knew that because that "friend" was there...that "friend" was laughing and chatting too....that friend treated me the same when we were together, but I knew they didnt really care.

So, then it hit. I had some things I needed to do: I needed to forgive. I needed to move on. I needed to restore hope...Hope that just because I lost the future of one friendship...these other friends wouldnt be the same. Maybe they would be different.

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