January 29, 2006

Painful Happiness

Its been a hard day...had to pretty much fight it out all day...sometimes it happens. Sometimes going to church isnt easy.
At. All.
But, all the sermons were good, encouraging...food for the spirit. And in the end I feel like my prayers were answered and I was definitely Helped.

So, its funny...I got an email out of the blue from an old friend and I immediately felt that it was important to email this person...it was important that I gave them some encouragment...that I pray for them...which I immediately started to do... But, then after getting another great email from the person, I just COULDNT reply. It was awful, it was like getting tongue tied in front of fifty people...you feel the great NEED to speak but nothing comes out... I spent all weekend thinking about it and praying about it...practically PLEADING with God to give me something to say...and finally tonight I just sat down and decided to write whatever popped into my head...and low and behold something came!
Whew! Praise God! I cant tell you how much better I feel...like a great weight has been lifted...

It was actually a hard weekend all around...I felt like everything had to be "the hard way." Sometimes I, must admit, I get whiny and I think....whhhhy ooooh whhhhy cant things just be eeeeaaaassssyyyy???!!!!
Remember how I had that huge breakthrough last weekend? Well, it was as if this weekend it was 'testing the theory' weekend. I was pretty much tossed all the possible tests and scenerios in the book....and even now, looking back on the weekend I dont know how well I handled it all. But I did it. At least I didnt HIDE. Right? Hiding was part of my problem anyway...I know its hard to believe-I'm pretty good at hiding my fear once I'm actually OUT in the public eye-but most of the battle happens when I'm still in my room...when I'm sitting there thinking how very much I just want to crawl into bed and stay there where its "comfortable"...where its "safe"....

Oh, how we do love safety dont we!?

No one ever likes to do the things that hurt....the things that may "sting a little"....I wonder how much closer I would be to my Lord if didnt hide from pain as I do!? It has taken me so long to get this far...

Did anyone tell you that being a Christian would be painful? Because it is....it is beautifully painful. Thank God.

How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure,
That He should give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss, the Father turns His face away,
As wounds which mar the Chosen One bring many sons to glory.

Behold the man upon a cross, my sin upon His shoulders;
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life-I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom;
But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer,
But this I know with all my hear, His wounds have paid my ransom."

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