August 22, 2006

the way of my mind..

So, honestly, do I seem different to you?
Hahaha! That's one of those really awful questions that people start breaking out in a sweat when they hear...but I'm SERIOUS.
This morning I was getting ready for work, and I was in a goodly amount of pain ( the mornings are the worst) and I was thinking about how LONG it had been ( several months isnt that long I guess) that I'd been in some simblance of pain. And I'm MUCH has it effected me (besides me talking about it all the time)?
I am kind of serious about you answering that question...not that I think very many of you WILL...but its worth a shot.
Anyway, I'm just dissatisfied with myself this morning, it seems that everything I touch kind of falls apart or gets grimy finger prints all over it. Thankgoodness for the Grace of God or honestly, I'd be nothing more than a SHELL of a thing...and we're talking just because of who I am...not because of any added pain.
Its just that the pain made me think about it.
Yes, I think its been kind of good being "less than myself" because ultimately, its shown a really big spotlight on my substitutes.
Do you know what I'm talking about? The things that we turn to when we need comfort. The things we turn to when we need to fill up that little niggling empty space that comes when you are overly tired, overly confused, overly worked, overly stressed...overly.
Suprisingly ( or not) the things I've found myself turning to are not what I'd have thought....
On the good side, I find that I'm praying when I wake up in the morning. Dont get me wrong-they arent some beautiful dream-prayers...they sound more like, "Pleeeease help me today! I am weak..."
Its as though the start of the sentence happened even before I was completely awake. Even my subconscious knows I cant do this by myself.
On the bad side, I look for comfort in other people...oh, I do it really subtly so even I dont realize that I'm trying to soak up a little bit of comfort, acceptance, love.. from those that God's put in my life...instead of just going directly from the source ( God Himself).
I keep thinking, "Well, God doesnt give me hugs, and He doesnt write me happy emails when I need them and He doesnt come right out and tell me that it'll be ok..."
Why oh why do I keep looking for someone to make me feel better..instead of Him?!
Its truly the thing that grieves me the most about myself.
I'm actually angry that I feel so alone.

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