Today Brett and I will be married two months. I’m pretty sure that’s the go buy fresh milk anniversary.
But our marriage will have been officially longer than many a celebrity marriage and therefore cause for some pause.. And I have to say its been two of the longest/shortest two months of my life. I guess that’s sort of how it always is when I go through huge life altering changes ( which seems to be my lot). This particular change has been different from the past ones, my other major life moves. And for those of you who missed out on the life-crisis of 2002 and then the follow-up crisis of 2005, I am glad you have joined us with the life crisis of 2007. Oh wait, I’ve some how given the impression that my marriage is some sort of “crisis”…which really isn’t fair. I’d say the crisis parts have been more the “military wife” the “what to do now, oh how about be a barista” or the “now I live in Washington and therefore only have three friends” stuff that has created crisis in my little easily -thrown–off- self. When I enter crisis mode, it seems that everything is magnified and time becomes tangible, days passing becomes some sort of monumental achievement.
But, what have I actually achieved? What have I learned in this particularly short amount of time? Here are my thoughts on life as a married women so far:
Being a military wife sucks. In response to me saying I hated the military’s idea of “working hours” ( for example, Brett left at 5 am yesterday morning…got home at 1am and after seeing him for 5 minutes this morning, as he put his uniform on, he is gone yet again…) , Brett said he had not hidden his working schedule from me before we were married, to which I said, “People do not hide the fact that child birth hurts like hell, but then when you actually go through it yourself, the fact that you KNEW it would hurt doesn’t make it less painful.” Profound, I know. Me equating being a military wife to child birth ( this is ironic since it seems to me that most military wives are either pregnant or have five children or both…). And yes that conversation happened in a particular “complain-y” time…and you should be thankful I’d share such a bad moment with you… Anyway, I have realized ( as of yesterday) that I was actually ruining all the perfectly good and decent time that I DID have with Brett with my totally bad attitude. In a lot of ways I am jealous of the military. It’s like the worst Other Women ever. Because this other women gives me free medical care…just kidding, but hopefully you do understand what I’m saying
I guess my point is that I know that there is no question here, there is no changing the way things are, you see, I am actually incredibly proud of Brett and the incredible amount of diligence and integrity that he gives to his job, he takes it very seriously and does not cut many of the corners that so many around him do day in and day out. He generally has a very good attitude and I hardly ever hear him complain ( maybe because I’m complaining so loudly…hahaha) but seriously, He is truly a light in a dark place, and often the only positive interaction that many have with a Believer. Period. And as the days continue on, I see more and more how important it is that he is doing what he does. And along with that realization, I am also having to come to grips that my marriage is going to have to be different. I don’t get to spend the “normal” amount of TIME with my husband that most people get and unfortunately, its only going to get worse, so I am going to have to throw out pretty much ALL my preconceptions of what marriage should be, and start afresh. Yes, it has taken me two months to realize this, and it’ll probably take me years to actually figure out the right way to go about this…but, hey, it’s a fun journey right?
So, here is something I wrote in my journal a while back-from the book “Gold Cord” by Amy Carmicheal , it is the creed that she and the women who joined her, lived by, and after reading it I was over come by its truth and also by how much I was lacking in many of the areas talked about :
“Teach us, good Lord, to serve Thee more, faithfully, to give and not to count the cost, to fight and not heed the wounds, to toil and not seek for rest, to labor and not ask for any reward, save that of knowing that we do Thy will, O lord our God”
I hesitate to even type it here for you, that you even know that it is my desire to be like this…since I lack these attitudes in my life so far, but Lord help me, for I do so very much want to be like this!