April 21, 2008

A visit to... de-nial

So, my weekend in Texas was an odd mix of too short- Some of the people I love the most I only saw for a few seconds,which just made me long for more! And of course, my family who I saw the most...I could always use more of them- and a mix of too long...( and this is where it gets all dramatic)

This trip totally busted a particular denial bubble that I had been cultivating since, well, before I even got married....and that pretty much consisted of the thought that when Brett deployed I could go back to Texas and live such a different life from the life we lived in Washington that it would some how be easier to be without him. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. In fact, even as I typed I thought-"whoa, no wonder I never put that in words or I would have realized IMMEDIATELY that that was totally stupid and would not work."

Because it didn't and I realize now that no matter where I am, no matter how much fun I'm having ( i.e. how many friends I'm seeing, cake I'm eating, pizza I'm consuming....) I will long for Brett to be there with me and it will not be good.

It should be dually noted that while I spent a good two years in Texas supporting my sister %150 percent in a similar circumstance I am embarrassed to say I had no. idea. what she was going through....and while luckily I still do not know what it is like to not see my husband for over a year- the very thought of it made me cry for about an hour last night.

And while I got very good advice yesterday to "not worry about tomorrow for today has cares of its own"....advice which I plan to start following as of right now, I must say that me crying last night was probably a good thing in some ways. In some ways I have thought little to none about my future prospects as an army wife. I know, shocking. And in some ways I feel I need to start praying RIGHT NOW for help for the future. Why in the world God thought that I-of all the girls in all the world-would be able to be a "good army wife" ....well that's just beyond me!

In other news...I came home to run down husband ( and a very tidy house!) who "didn't get enough sleep this weekend" and is getting a cold...and the news that we will have to stay in Washington for Fourth of July ( this means we will probably be heading to Texas very end of July/early August ) and the news that he'd actually probably have to WORK on July the Fourth ( incidentally one of my FAVORITE holidays) and the news that he has to work late two nights this week ( what's new?!). This plus the whole I've-had-a-crazy-weekend-and-I-need-sleep probably adds to the whole crying thing. ;-)


Anonymous said...

so Im guessing you cant come to the wedding (sad sad)
and .. while you are praying for you, pray for me too. thanks.
news update wednesday. craziness in the life of amy.

Katie Middlebrook said...

It was so good seeing you! Even if it felt like it was for a grand total of 20 minutes. I think about you and Brett a lot and pray that your time away from each other is made tolerable. Thomas is gone this week and life just feels completely upside down. Anytime something happens I just want to tell him in all the crazy detail that he doesn't care about (but will listen to out of love) and he's not here! Hope to see you guys again in July :)