It’s what I like to call the lesser of two evils. On the one hand my head is splitting. We’re talking blurred vision the whole shebang. But on the other hand when I put the little mask on to block out the sun and I laid in bed trying to get back to sleep…the pain that the thoughts going on in my brain were producing was almost more impairing then the headache. Thus I blog…
So, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but today marks the day that I am suppose to get back on the “We’re moving and there is nothing we can do about it.” Bandwagon and begin the planning and decision making process again but this time a lot calmer and better prepared…Of course, such an occasion couldn’t go unnoticed and so of course Brett delivered yet another informational blow yesterday afternoon to celebrate. ( It should be noted he did not do it on purpose, but I’ve just noticed that these things seem to always coincided with a day where I’ve made such grandiose statements as this one:
To Carmi on the phone: “ I really think I’ve grown, I’m much calmer…I think I’m handling all this better than I’ve dealt with past changes, I think I’m relying on God a lot more…”
Anyway, so Brett tells me in the car on the way to a Mariners Baseball game ( it was the first time we’d been able to talk all day…I promise the bad timing couldn’t be helped…in fact, it’ll probably just make the tv movie of our lives more entertaining.) that he’d found out that the army has made his new orders in such a way that they’re actually making his new permanent orders station Kuwait, Afghanistan and his TEMPARARY duty station Fort Riley , Kansas…what does all this mean, you ask? Wellllll, basically it just means that THIS way they can dispose of those pesky things called families ( i.e. me) and when Brett reports to Riley, he’ll also be reporting to a nice little barracks room to be shared with some other dude. Afterall, its not like it “permanent”. So, this basically means that my choices in moving to Kansas are now very bleak indeed. #1. I’ll have to find some temporary place to live. By myself. In the hopes of seeing Brett on weekends and possibly for a few hours in the evenings ( but we all know how likely that is.) #2 Thus I probably wont get to see Brett very much. #3 I can’t think of a number three right now. My head hurts.
Thus the nice sounding “Brett’s only going to be deployed for 12 months” shows its true colors that most likely I will be without my husband for SIXTEEN. But, with four months of those disguising themselves behind the guise of “training in Riley”. To be perfectly honest with you-it’s one of my worst nightmares….its my number one lesson I’d want to tell newly married army wives about…the fact, that even when you’re supposedly getting time with your husband-he’s still not really YOURS. Looking back the first two ( or three) months of our marriage were the worst because I kept forgetting this fact, I kept being surprised and upset every time Brett wouldn’t get home from work until 10 + at night, or when he’d be gone for two weeks at a time, or called into work on a Saturday…whatever the case I was always indignant…how could they SAY that what was happening to us was the BEST case scenario?! But, here we are again…and this time I see the future flashing before my eyes…me in Kansas without a job or any friends or roots….living basically for the moments I get to spend with my husband who’s about to go off to war for a year…and therefore when I find out at the last minute that he’ll be working late ( which will definitely happen) or that he’s working on a Saturday ( most likely) or that they’re doing some training off somewhere for a week ( I would bet on it.)…I will have even LESS to fall back on than I did here in Washington. No job. No friends. No ministry work. Nada.
I suppose you could say that we’ve stepped it up a notch. The question is: can I rely on Christ, trust Him, rely on Him, be calm …all these things in ALL circumstances?!
Of course, right now every thing is bleak. But, I am looking forward to seeing how God sorts out the plot line of this episode of All my Children ( the Brett and Abigail version)….will I find some nice family or old people to live with in Kansas while I’m waiting around for Brett ? Will we be able to sort out different living arrangements on Fort Riley? Will I wake up and find out that I’m really Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and its all a dream? Whatever the case, there is SO much material for God to work with here that is pretty much brilliant-He’s going to be glorified some how….I look forward to seeing the end results.