August 22, 2008

This is reality

So, I've been getting quite a few comments about how "well I seem to be doing", which I really appreciate, and I have to admit I feel like I am holding up rather well...however, it is only fair to share this with you, too...

So, Brett's schedule during in processing has been very sporadic, meaning I'll be in the middle of my "fill up my day" activities and Brett'll call and I'll get to hang out with him for a while. This is really nice, don't get me wrong. But it definitely messes with my denial-mode. For instance, the other day when we were hanging out Brett stopped off at the post library ( which was the size of a postage stamp, quite literally. pitiful. apparently people in the military in Kansas do not read. at all.) to "print off a few documents" and then two hours later he was still sitting at the computer because I guess he had decided to do some online course he needed to do as well....I started to be annoyed ( ok, ok, I had started getting annoyed at around the 45 minute mark, but whatever, this is my story). I mean, he didnt even tell me that he was going to be longer....I mean geez, I am just sitting here, wasting ti....

And that's when it hit me like a giant smack in the face. All I have is time to waste. I mean, sure I can convince myself that "getting the oil changed" is a MAJOR priority of life, but we all know better. So, yes, I know that my purpose right now is just being here for Brett, but sometimes-especially when he's gone, and sometimes when he's right in front of me ( but not really because he's consumed by whatever "army task" he's doing)-I feel really lost of what in the world my purpose is....

Anyway, so there I was waiting on Brett in the library and all these horrible revelation-smack-downs were taking place in my head so I went out to the car and popped up the back hatch to lounge in the back area and write in my journal. Of course, as soon as I started writing, I started sobbing too. ( because that's how I roll) I decided to shut the hatch so I could cry in "privacy"....In fact, laying there in the fetal position in the back of my car, in an almost deserted postage-stamp library parking lot, I was pretty much invisible. I finally calmed down a bit, and the car was feeling a bit stuffy so I turned over to open up the hatch....

Now, maybe you were aware that hatches do not open up from the inside ( a grave oversight, I feel. ) but I was not aware of this. Not at all.

So, there I was being pitiful and selfishly thinking about all the horrible woes of my life and I get stuck in the back of a car. That's right. Why I haven't been contacted to be on a reality tv show is beyond me. This is true hollywood drama. I mean, sure, I didn't really look hot or sexy when I was trying to squeeze my body between the back seat and the roof of my car to escape...but I'm sure if there had been ANYONE on that stupid ( obviously) Fort Riley post that decided to read a book that day, they would have been truly entertained.

Ok! So now that you know that I do not always have a very good attitude about this whole living in Kansas business here are some things I would like you to know.

I would really like it if people would stop telling me to "get a hobby". Believe me, I'm a hobby queen already. And getting a new hobby is not going to convince me that my life is somehow important. I mean, no one is like, "quick! someone who can knit raise your hand! This women over here needs your HELP!!!!!" But, seriously though, I know this is much deeper than me just filling up my time. Its about finding out what God really wants me to do while I'm here. And also its about me being OK with whatever that is-even if I don't feel needed all the time.
I read somewhere recently that the need to feel needed has become an idol for many Christians....and I can DEFINITELY see how that's true! But, I do not want to be that girl.

Oh, and this post is brought to you in part by Amy B. who I called while I was stuck in the back of my car and was a good enough friend to laugh at me and remind me that "it would make a good blog post". You're the best :-)


donnave said...

Oh, Abigail! Your honesty is wonderfully refreshing.
Today, I spent at least one hour looking for Corey at La Madeleine in the mall...all the while, him telling me that "yes, La Madeleine is in the mall" and people in the mall saying, "no, it is not." Eventually we figured out that we were at 2 different malls (one The Parks, the other North Park only about 35 miles apart). Lots of laughter! Good blog!

Bing said...

I haven't read your blog in a million, zillion years, which I am now regretting terribly as I had forgotten how good it was!
I shall have to do a read through when I get a moment on nights.
Hope you are well

Anonymous said...

O MY GOODNESS!!! How did you do that??? What car do you have?? I miss you.


Amy said...

Well, it did.
Although I believe I am guilty of the hobby suggestion as well, if only because my form of denial is to find something relatively worthless to do and convince myself that it is the most awesome, world rocking thing ever. Example: muffins.
You are a super woman because you have Jesus and all those non readers dont and it's your job to get that message out there. Just remember that.

Amy said...

judging on your past strokes of genius in the present department, im worried.