October 31, 2010

In the dark

I am currently, quite literally, in the dark. Sitting in a dark bedroom while the muffled voices of bible study carry on outside in the living room. Why am i in this dark room?! Because my dear son was screaming and finally I couldn't take it anymore and I came in here to feed him.
Once again a failure at taking my child to a social gathering ( on Friday night I took him to a bondfire for a grand total of ten minutes...those ten minutes were followed by an hour of out and out screaming).
I feel like I'm drowning.
Drowning mentally, drowning spiritually.
I guess we are going to have to start the process of trying to find a babysitter, but really I just feel like a failure.
Why couldn't I figure out a way to carry my infant around?!? Everyone else seems to have angel babies...I feel like this is somehow a reflection of my parenting. I'm sure it is.


Anna M. said...

You are a wonderful mom but even a great mom needs a break. It is essential for you to have a time to regroup away from Ransom. It has been rather impossible up to this point which makes the transition even harder for you now. I would recommend a babysitter since we (family) live so far away. It is not going to be easy to leave him but it is necessary for you both. I also would recommend having bottles when you go out-either pumped or a bit of formula every once in awhile won't hurt him. This way you don't feel so isolated when he cries in public and he gets use to drinking from a bottle. I'm sure this could be difficult now because of his spit up but you could always try. You are doing your very best for Ransom and that makes you an excellent mother.

Stacey said...

Oh girl! It is NOT because of your parenting!!! It sounds more like Ransom is having a hard time getting used to the outings. I can remember crying in bathroom stalls and dark bedrooms when I would have to go nurse. I would feel so lonely and like I was in "nursing exile." It felt like it was just easier to stay home...even from church! All of this just takes adjustments. And maybe Ransom is just sensitive to being "out." Each child is different. Maybe he gets too stimulated and it starts him off on his crying spells. You just need to find what works for you! I say, find a babysitter and you and your honey go out for a night alone. that's what you sound like you really need!! (((hugs)))

Kristin said...

Oh it is SO not a reflection of your parenting! Except for in a positive way. Your son needed you - there's nothing negative there. Really. It happens to all of us. Really, ALL of us. And it will happen again. But you know, for every horrible, I'm-never-leaving-the-house-again experience you have, you'll have millions and millions of wonderful ones. Find a group of understanding people and keep getting out there. And hugs. I know it's hard.

Trinity Scott said...

This is why I love my nursing cover; he's in the dark, and I'm not! But I know it's not always enough when they're overstimulated; hopefully, this too is a stage he'll grow out of!