25 weeks and 4 days

This morning I woke up out of a dream where I was talking to my doctor. He was saying not to listen to the other doctor (he has a resident that he works with who is always with him) , that Tabitha had totally been healed by God of her heart problem....I was then awakened by a nurses aid wanting my blood pressure....

Friends, I know that The Lord healed Tabitha of a very serious heart problem. I know it because when they told us she had it, the cardiologist-who did not mince words told us that hearts that looked like hers don't usually repair themselves. But it did. And we all have let out a huge sigh of relief. Yes, Tabitha is still in a lot of risk, neurological issues, her embiloical cord is apparently not getting the proper flow right now, my cervix is still short.....but honestly all these things seems trivial to me right now. The Lord can cure hearts. He can continue to take care of these things....

My job is to lay here in this hospital bed and get her to 28 weeks....maybe 30....even 32.....34 It's so very hard to think that long, to think that far....but two week increments seem a little more doable. What does not seem doable is not having my other baby with me for weeks on end. I miss Ransom so much. It breaks my heart and I've been thinking a lot the last few days about other mothers who are separated from their children for one reason or another. I've never had to experience it before and boy, do I have a new appreciation for that hardship. Two year old little boys need their Mommys. But I think more so, Mommys need their two year olds. For the last few days I've gotten to see Ransim once a day on little hospital visits. But, after this weekend, we are planning on sending him to Nacogdoches where it will be easier for family and friends to give him a normal, every day routine. I am happy and grateful for this but at the same time when I think about it my heart breaks a little.


So, my mind has been going a lot to Hannah in the Bible ( which you can read about in the first few chapters of 1st Samuel).....I feel like I've been learning about her for the very first time the last month or two. First, because when I was scared out of my mind, driving to the hospital way back in August with two very very sick babies inside of me, worrying that I wouldn't be cleared to travel to Houston for any Hope of survival for either of them.....I sat in the car at a stoplight, crying and I heard myself telling God ( and probably more myself) that these babies were His. That, sure, He was possibly letting me keep them for a while, but clearly these where His babies.....Of course, it was probably less than a week later, while mourning the loss of Piscilla that I was reminded of that conversation with The Lord. He gently reminded me that while He had let me be their Mommy, these girls were still His.....

And now I'm being reminded again. This time with my son. Do you realize that when Hannah said that once her son, Samuel was weaned she would take him to the temple....that that probably meant he was maybe THREE years old?! Yeah, I may have known that fact from Sunday school or something....but I didn't have my own two year old to compare it! Let's just say my mind can bearly fathom the lesson there.....the lesson about our children. Children I want to hold on to so tight that they start to wiggle and pull away...Children that from the time you even know of their existence you obsess about their well being.  These are the children that do not belong to us. The sooner I acknowledge it the way Hannah did, the better for all of us....the sooner I know in my heart of hearts that the Father of my children, of Ransom, Tabitha and Priscilla ( incidentally He is my Father too!) is the one in control...not me....well, that while it probably won't make it easier to let my little boy go for weeks on end, at least I'll better see that there is never a time when he is just mine. I know that he and I may be physically back together soon, but even then he is on loan to me from above. And I pray I can always see him that way....