Last night was a particularly rough night. I'm back in the hospital, and this time it is more than likely for good.
All the worry of having Tabitha too early ( my doctors and I have our eyes fixed upon 28 weeks... But, oh, wouldn't further than that be great?!) which is still 3 weeks away... And all my worry about Ransom who is now being taken care of by wonderful friends- but not his Mommy or Daddy something that is beyond hard for me to get my mind around in a positive way...all the worry seemed to come to a head for me in a powerful way.
Lots o tears.
Add in the low blow of being put in a triage room with no shower because all the "normal" rooms are full just added insult to injury.
But, it's a new morning and tomorrow is the all important cardiology echo where we will find out if our prayers have been answered in regards to Tabitha's heart. We will find out just HOW difficult the coming road may or may not be... And there is something I need to say before we even find out. I need to say it now, because its important that the outcome has no weight upon this truth... An outcome that I sincerely hope is a good one. But, either way this is something that I feel like God told me a few weeks ago and it's the truth in it is for this season:
In reading in Luke 5, there is the pretty well known story of Jesus healing a paralyzed man who was so desperate to be healed his friends made a hole in the ceiling of the crowded room where Jesus was teaching, and lowered him down so that Jesus would see him. And see him, he did. Jesus said to the paralyzed man, "Your sins are forgiven."
Yup. Sins. Something that can often seem to us pretty intangible, for others- depending on our sin- easy to hide on a day to day basis. Most definitely something we can get by with having around, not like the inability to walk, right?!?
So, of course, everyone there who witnessed Jesus' words started grumbling... For one thing, who does He think he is?! healing sins! That's a big claim! And one not so easily proven. So, Jesus, knowing the their hearts said something else, " Which is easier? To say,' your sins are forgiven', or to say, 'arise and walk'? But so that you know that the Son of Man has the authority to forgive sins...Arise and Walk."
Ok, so I was struck over the head by this because it was so very very clear what was more important to Jesus. It was not whether or not this man spent the rest of his days on earth on a cot, afterall, those days are relatively short. No, Jesus cared so much more about the man's heart. The heart is eternal, the heart is what affects every other thing that we do and experience and above all our relationship with our Father. To be able to have a relationship with the Father is to experience the greatest Peace, the greatest Love and the greatest acceptance one could ever know. These are the things that Forgiveness brings.
Now, to bring this back to me reading this story, I felt so strongly The Lord reminding me that through this whole experience with Priscilla and Tabitha we have prayed for healing after healing. And often times we have gotten very caught up in the "present need" of wouldn't it be great to walk on our own again? To not have to rely on someone else for literally everything ? ( come to find out my life has a lot in common with the paralytic, right now!) wouldn't it be wonderful if Tabitha was born healthy? All these things remain our most adamant prayers but I know that what ever HAS happened and whatever WILL happen will be more important, it will draw us closer to our Lord Jesus. It will somehow help to refine and strength the bond of love and peace and acceptance that we so desperately need. And as for my daughters. They are already His. If He decides to heal Tabitha as He did the paralytic it will be a glorious day. But even if healing doesn't come tomorrow... It WILL come and the more important thing is already being done in our hearts.