It's been a while since my last post, mostly because for a while all my thoughts were bent upon Brett and Ransom coming to be with me, and no one needs to hear a constant "ImissthemImissthemImissthem!" diatribe from me...but then, when they did arrive life has been so much less solitary that I've enjoyed the time away from the Internet....turns out I wasn't addicted to the Internet, just people...and once I had people in REAL life I needed a lot less Internet time, go figure. ;-)
That being said, I've been so incredibly blessed by all the Christmas cards, and notes and messages from all the wonderful ones out there praying for us, I can't help but want to update you!
My thoughts of late consist of me praying that Tabitha would just COME ALREADY! First, my grandmother passed away on December 16th. She had pretty severe dementia and I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is so much happier in her house The Lord prepared for her, but at the same time, her passing made me miss all the many good qualities that she had: A quick wit, a ( often hilarious to those who knew her) very big imagination, a large knowledge of scripture that she passed on to her girls, who then passed it on to their children...and well, having THAT kind of a legacy is important and worth celebrating . And it made me re-think my stance on Christmas birthdays ( her birthday was Christmas Day). But, alas, Tabitha did not come on her namesakes b-day ( Tabitha Trott's birthday is on the 24th) OR my grandmothers...and she's still in there now. And even though I half pleaded with my Doctors at my appointment yesterday to move it up, they 've stuck with an induction date of January 7th. Not the greatest date for many reasons...mostly because Brett will be going into the "hole" as far as vacation days at that point, but also because I want to Go. Home. So. Badly.
However, and I do agree with this, it really WOULD be a lot better for Tabitha if she had a natural labor, and birth and those things are just, well, better naturally...so we wait, and I walk up and down stairs and make Brett give me foot massages ( my current favorite of the natural remedies), and all other things that make one go into labor...because, like I said, I am SOOOO OVER THIS.
Yet, every time I pray for God to have her come today, I also say a prayer of thanksgiving that I'm even entertaining such thoughts!!! How glorious that my prayers for this baby have come so far that now I actually WANT her to come out! That we're dealing with normal pregnancy stuff, and besides her needing to be treated with some kid-gloves during delivery and maybe a little after, she is healthy! And she's...wait for it....officially FULL TERM! (!!!!!!!!!) All my impatience aside, I am so very thankful and blessed and I know this stories happy ending is nothing to be taken lightly. 2012 has held a huge miracle and for that I still marvel.
But for now, can we all just agree to pray that Tabitha comes soon? I'm doing my part...we're taking Ransom to the natural history museum ( it's free Thursday afternoons) after his nap today and I'll be walking until my legs fall off...
December 27, 2012
December 16, 2012
Hearing
My thoughts are all jumbled up this morning. And writing a blog post seemed like a good idea. But, there's a part of me, the teeny tiny writer part of me ( its tiny, because I do not consider myself much of a writer...hahaha...I'm more of a talker who just writes down the talking words when there's no one around to listen.). Anyway, there's the tiny English Major part of me that is annoyed that my thoughts are so jumbled. And I'd rather just wait till my thoughts make more sense and then write them down. But you know what, I'm not sure if the things that are jumbled in my mind right now will ever make sense.....I mean, will the things of this Fallen World ever make sense? Depression, Sin, Death. I am at such a great loss when faced with them in such a striking way as this particular week has brought about-both on a grand scale ( the school shooting in CT) or a more personal level ( the phonecalls and text messages this week have been so full of heartache)...
And then in my quiet time this morning, ( I've been reading the Christmas Story in all the gospels this week...) I read this:
But the angel said to ( Zechariah), "Do not be afraid, Zechariah, for your prayer has been heard, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John..."
I suppose that helped me because, knowing that Zechariah was really old at this point, I really really doubt he'd prayed for children for a long time. I bet that particular prayer had passed away with the years and the grey hairs and the test of time. But, the Lord had not forgotten. To Him that prayer was as fresh as the first day it had first been prayed. And I find such comfort in knowing that even when I am not faithful enough to keep praying, or when I do not believe enough in His Greatness to answer any and all the prayers of our hearts, or when my heart is just too grieved and hurt to put the longings of my heart into words....those prayers are heard. They are heard and treasured up. Today as I think of the suffering this World seems to afford in unspeakably large quantities, I must remember that the Lord's promises stand firm. Our prayers. They are heard.
For nothing will be impossible with God....
.....He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.....
....Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill will be made low, the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places made smooth....
Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine....
And then in my quiet time this morning, ( I've been reading the Christmas Story in all the gospels this week...) I read this:
But the angel said to ( Zechariah), "Do not be afraid, Zechariah, for your prayer has been heard, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John..."
I suppose that helped me because, knowing that Zechariah was really old at this point, I really really doubt he'd prayed for children for a long time. I bet that particular prayer had passed away with the years and the grey hairs and the test of time. But, the Lord had not forgotten. To Him that prayer was as fresh as the first day it had first been prayed. And I find such comfort in knowing that even when I am not faithful enough to keep praying, or when I do not believe enough in His Greatness to answer any and all the prayers of our hearts, or when my heart is just too grieved and hurt to put the longings of my heart into words....those prayers are heard. They are heard and treasured up. Today as I think of the suffering this World seems to afford in unspeakably large quantities, I must remember that the Lord's promises stand firm. Our prayers. They are heard.
For nothing will be impossible with God....
.....He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.....
....Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill will be made low, the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places made smooth....
Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine....
December 10, 2012
No accident
Today I am 35 weeks pregnant. We NEVER thought we'd get this far. No one did. But last week my nurse told me that the doctors had the "long term plan" of inducing at 39 weeks if she had not come before then. 39 weeks(!!!)
Instead of thinking about other things ( more positive things) instead, I could only think about another month here...A. whole. Month. Boooooo
Last week was probably one of the hardest weeks I've had for various reasons. Being separated from Brett and Ransom has been so very difficult and I think I lost sight of my forest due to some large trees that had their names on them. But, all the difficultly aside I was given a few little reminders a long the way, and while it took a while, I'm coming around to seeing my miraculous forest again....
First of all, Tabitha's heart has made such incredible strides. Miraculous strides, the fact that she has been slowly but surely healing from all that she went through- at one point she had no kidney function, zero bladder to speak of, and her other organs were close to shutting down, then her heart...the doctors sat us down for one of those awful awful chats where they tell you things do not look good...and they didn't...But, she's come through all that, and it is in a word, incredible. The fact that doctors do not think she will need to be in the specialized NICU when she is born is downright, MIND BLOWING. And I must not forget that this is an actual miracle. The prayers of so many have been answered and I never want to forget that. Instead of focusing on the possible negative, I need to just embrace the truth that it is NOT normal for a Twin-to-twin baby to recover so well...
Secondly, 35 weeks. Ummmm crazy pills! When I think back to being in labor on a plane coming to Houston for this surgery, then all the near misses, including a month in the hospital and a trip to L&D all after the surgery. And yet, the fact that Tabitha did not see Thanksgiving and it's highly likely she will of see Christmas ( and so help me, this next thought is still not one that makes me happy...) she might not even see New Years 2013 because she's still hold up in my uterus....well, that's also nothing short of a miracle. Since I already used the word uterus I'll go ahead and say, if you could SEE how teeny tiny my cervix is you would be as shocked as my doctors and I are.
But then, aside from Tabitha and my pregnancy I am really and truly grateful for my time in the hospital when I learned all sorts of things about what it's like to BE in the hospital for a long period of time. I hope that I will have a better compassion and understanding for others going through similar circumstances. And now at the Ronald McDonald house I have learned even more about what Man can go through to fight for life, to fight through hardship, to fight for hope. This last week I watched one of my new friends say goodbye to her week old baby boy. It was incredibly difficult and I sobbed as I did my laundry thinking about her heart break. I've also been able to have some good and honest chats with my other new friend Jane, who is here walking through the unspeakably difficult road of chemo and radiation for her only son, KJ's brain tumor. He's 11 and his faith in the Lord and his positive attitude is literally a walking object lesson of the Grace of God. It is starkly in contrast to others in the house who are full of bitterness and hardness...but can I blame them? The difference, though, is clearly there and I'm learning a lot about those differences. The differences in how people treat one another and how they treat themselves. I have never felt so strongly my own need and all our needs for a Faith and a Hope in The Lord Jesus....
So, this weekend Brett surprised me with a last minute trip to Texas, he even made a late night ( 2am!) drive to Nacogdoches so that he could bring Ransom down in the morning for visit too. And, do to colds on Ransom and my part, we spent more time outside the Ronald McDonald house, train rides in the park, trips to Barnes and Noble. It was so incredibly helpful to my heart to be a little "normal" family for a minute or two. Once again, as I've said on this blog before, I was even more aware of the need to get out of the "bubble" and how much I feel for those who are in the same illness bubble and who don't have the luxury to get out of it any time soon... These are the lessons I keep learning, and that I apparently have a few more weeks to learn.
And so here's to week 35. A week I never thought I'd see...and yet I am grateful for what seeing has taught me.
Instead of thinking about other things ( more positive things) instead, I could only think about another month here...A. whole. Month. Boooooo
Last week was probably one of the hardest weeks I've had for various reasons. Being separated from Brett and Ransom has been so very difficult and I think I lost sight of my forest due to some large trees that had their names on them. But, all the difficultly aside I was given a few little reminders a long the way, and while it took a while, I'm coming around to seeing my miraculous forest again....
First of all, Tabitha's heart has made such incredible strides. Miraculous strides, the fact that she has been slowly but surely healing from all that she went through- at one point she had no kidney function, zero bladder to speak of, and her other organs were close to shutting down, then her heart...the doctors sat us down for one of those awful awful chats where they tell you things do not look good...and they didn't...But, she's come through all that, and it is in a word, incredible. The fact that doctors do not think she will need to be in the specialized NICU when she is born is downright, MIND BLOWING. And I must not forget that this is an actual miracle. The prayers of so many have been answered and I never want to forget that. Instead of focusing on the possible negative, I need to just embrace the truth that it is NOT normal for a Twin-to-twin baby to recover so well...
Secondly, 35 weeks. Ummmm crazy pills! When I think back to being in labor on a plane coming to Houston for this surgery, then all the near misses, including a month in the hospital and a trip to L&D all after the surgery. And yet, the fact that Tabitha did not see Thanksgiving and it's highly likely she will of see Christmas ( and so help me, this next thought is still not one that makes me happy...) she might not even see New Years 2013 because she's still hold up in my uterus....well, that's also nothing short of a miracle. Since I already used the word uterus I'll go ahead and say, if you could SEE how teeny tiny my cervix is you would be as shocked as my doctors and I are.
But then, aside from Tabitha and my pregnancy I am really and truly grateful for my time in the hospital when I learned all sorts of things about what it's like to BE in the hospital for a long period of time. I hope that I will have a better compassion and understanding for others going through similar circumstances. And now at the Ronald McDonald house I have learned even more about what Man can go through to fight for life, to fight through hardship, to fight for hope. This last week I watched one of my new friends say goodbye to her week old baby boy. It was incredibly difficult and I sobbed as I did my laundry thinking about her heart break. I've also been able to have some good and honest chats with my other new friend Jane, who is here walking through the unspeakably difficult road of chemo and radiation for her only son, KJ's brain tumor. He's 11 and his faith in the Lord and his positive attitude is literally a walking object lesson of the Grace of God. It is starkly in contrast to others in the house who are full of bitterness and hardness...but can I blame them? The difference, though, is clearly there and I'm learning a lot about those differences. The differences in how people treat one another and how they treat themselves. I have never felt so strongly my own need and all our needs for a Faith and a Hope in The Lord Jesus....
So, this weekend Brett surprised me with a last minute trip to Texas, he even made a late night ( 2am!) drive to Nacogdoches so that he could bring Ransom down in the morning for visit too. And, do to colds on Ransom and my part, we spent more time outside the Ronald McDonald house, train rides in the park, trips to Barnes and Noble. It was so incredibly helpful to my heart to be a little "normal" family for a minute or two. Once again, as I've said on this blog before, I was even more aware of the need to get out of the "bubble" and how much I feel for those who are in the same illness bubble and who don't have the luxury to get out of it any time soon... These are the lessons I keep learning, and that I apparently have a few more weeks to learn.
And so here's to week 35. A week I never thought I'd see...and yet I am grateful for what seeing has taught me.
December 04, 2012
Happy Pictures
It's only fair that after Sunday's diatribe I return with a bit more cheer...
I am currently stuck in my room with a head-cold ( I'm particularly aware of my contagious nature because of my sweet little friends who live here at the Ronald McDonald house. The LAST thing I would ever want to do is give someone with a low white cell count a cold).
Luckily my wonderful father got my computer fixed for me and returned it to me yesterday! I'm excited because, while my iPad rocks my world, my computer has something special. It has 79,389 pictures on it. Yup. That's right. From 2006 straight on until 2012 that's how many pictures I've taken and kept. Luckily before my computer completely bit the dust, I backed it all up on an external hard drive and luckily that worked and I am now back in the company of pictures...
So, even though it seems like a world away, I will share pictures that make me happy:
December 02, 2012
Uh-oh
Yup, it's a Sunday and I'm posting again. Really these should be the BEST days for me to post, right?! Another week down and all that jazz....but as I've said before I inexplicably forget the positive and can't see the forest for the trees on Sundays.
I just went through an entire box of tissues in one of those totally awesome sob fests where you look like a cross between Emma Thompson in Sense and Sensibility when she fiiiinally cries at the end ( but that's technically a "happy cry" so we cross it with...Kim Kardashian crying when she gets a divorce after only 72 days.. The. worst. Ugly. cry. ever. And yes, I just put a classic movie and reality TV together in one sentence.
Honestly, I am telling myself that I am writing tonight's post as some sort of trout to "honesty" blogging where I never give the impression that I have my life together, but in reality I am blogging for therapy. Therapy blogging. It's free. If you don't want to hear my complaining come back at my next post...
Complaints begin here:
I am so so so tired of living here. I'm tired of having zero semblance of control of my life. I can neither be a good mom or a good wife on a daily basis. On one hand I'm so grateful that my parents are such great parents and are fully capable of caring for my son, but a part of me smarts that he relies so greatly on them for his "parenting needs" even when he's visiting me. It's humbling.
And as for my wife skills. They basically consist of paying our bills online. And you can imagine how great THAT'S turning out for me....
I'm tired of living in this one depressing room and missing my Christmas tree. Have I told you how much I love my Christmas tree?! I bought it three years ago with my birthday money. It's pre-lit and it has holly berries in it. To all those people who are stark "real tree people" I say come over and look at my tree when it's all decorated and I've lit a Yankee Candle "Christmas tree" candle and TELL ME it's not awesome. Of course, none of you dare speak against my tree now, especially since I'm likely to break into my Emmadasian cry...but whatevs. I know my tree is great and I am really missing it. I miss sitting in the dark with only the tree lights on....it makes every night from Thanksgiving till New Years festive.
I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm in that totally awesome really fat phase where even maternity clothes look at you and laugh. That phase where people say "you're glowing" because "glistening with sweat" doesn't sound as nice. I'm in this awesome place where my doctors ask me how much weight I've gained and I lie about all the Christmas cookies I've eaten at the Ronald McDonald house. I daydream about going for runs and being able to see my feet.
I'm tired of being scared of Tabitha's arrival because I do not know how it's going to turn out. I do not know whether our future is full of joy or full of more sorrow....I am tired of being mad at myself for wanting this to all "get over with" because I know that me staying pregnant is really what is best for her.
I'm just so tired.
Oh, hey, it should be noted that I think I'm coming down with a cold. I have a sore throat and on top of that my left side has been hurting like the dickens since last night ( meaning I didn't sleep much). And it's Sunday. So tomorrow will be better....
( here comes the part where I end on a positive note:)
And guess what?! We made it to 34 weeks!! This is SO CRAZY! I don't think aaannnnnyone thought I was going to make it to 34 weeks. Not me, not my family, not my doctors. Tabitha is a little miracle plain and simple and I rejoice in the blessings of her crazy kicking in my stomach right now. I am thankful for how she has recovered in such miraculous ways, it's hard to even remember when she was quite literally stuck in a corner (insert bad Dirty Dancing joke here) and most of her organs had completely shut down. This baby is a gift. I am so thankful for her in every way right down to this journey that her life has put me on. Little girl, your story has a great prologue.
So here's to three more weeks at least. And since the last 5 months of drama are behind us, that shouldn't be too hard....right?
I'll probably need more tissues though.
I just went through an entire box of tissues in one of those totally awesome sob fests where you look like a cross between Emma Thompson in Sense and Sensibility when she fiiiinally cries at the end ( but that's technically a "happy cry" so we cross it with...Kim Kardashian crying when she gets a divorce after only 72 days.. The. worst. Ugly. cry. ever. And yes, I just put a classic movie and reality TV together in one sentence.
Honestly, I am telling myself that I am writing tonight's post as some sort of trout to "honesty" blogging where I never give the impression that I have my life together, but in reality I am blogging for therapy. Therapy blogging. It's free. If you don't want to hear my complaining come back at my next post...
Complaints begin here:
I am so so so tired of living here. I'm tired of having zero semblance of control of my life. I can neither be a good mom or a good wife on a daily basis. On one hand I'm so grateful that my parents are such great parents and are fully capable of caring for my son, but a part of me smarts that he relies so greatly on them for his "parenting needs" even when he's visiting me. It's humbling.
And as for my wife skills. They basically consist of paying our bills online. And you can imagine how great THAT'S turning out for me....
I'm tired of living in this one depressing room and missing my Christmas tree. Have I told you how much I love my Christmas tree?! I bought it three years ago with my birthday money. It's pre-lit and it has holly berries in it. To all those people who are stark "real tree people" I say come over and look at my tree when it's all decorated and I've lit a Yankee Candle "Christmas tree" candle and TELL ME it's not awesome. Of course, none of you dare speak against my tree now, especially since I'm likely to break into my Emmadasian cry...but whatevs. I know my tree is great and I am really missing it. I miss sitting in the dark with only the tree lights on....it makes every night from Thanksgiving till New Years festive.
I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm in that totally awesome really fat phase where even maternity clothes look at you and laugh. That phase where people say "you're glowing" because "glistening with sweat" doesn't sound as nice. I'm in this awesome place where my doctors ask me how much weight I've gained and I lie about all the Christmas cookies I've eaten at the Ronald McDonald house. I daydream about going for runs and being able to see my feet.
I'm tired of being scared of Tabitha's arrival because I do not know how it's going to turn out. I do not know whether our future is full of joy or full of more sorrow....I am tired of being mad at myself for wanting this to all "get over with" because I know that me staying pregnant is really what is best for her.
I'm just so tired.
Oh, hey, it should be noted that I think I'm coming down with a cold. I have a sore throat and on top of that my left side has been hurting like the dickens since last night ( meaning I didn't sleep much). And it's Sunday. So tomorrow will be better....
( here comes the part where I end on a positive note:)
And guess what?! We made it to 34 weeks!! This is SO CRAZY! I don't think aaannnnnyone thought I was going to make it to 34 weeks. Not me, not my family, not my doctors. Tabitha is a little miracle plain and simple and I rejoice in the blessings of her crazy kicking in my stomach right now. I am thankful for how she has recovered in such miraculous ways, it's hard to even remember when she was quite literally stuck in a corner (insert bad Dirty Dancing joke here) and most of her organs had completely shut down. This baby is a gift. I am so thankful for her in every way right down to this journey that her life has put me on. Little girl, your story has a great prologue.
So here's to three more weeks at least. And since the last 5 months of drama are behind us, that shouldn't be too hard....right?
I'll probably need more tissues though.
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