In the dark

I am currently, quite literally, in the dark. Sitting in a dark bedroom while the muffled voices of bible study carry on outside in the living room. Why am i in this dark room?! Because my dear son was screaming and finally I couldn't take it anymore and I came in here to feed him.
Once again a failure at taking my child to a social gathering ( on Friday night I took him to a bondfire for a grand total of ten minutes...those ten minutes were followed by an hour of out and out screaming).
I feel like I'm drowning.
Drowning mentally, drowning spiritually.
I guess we are going to have to start the process of trying to find a babysitter, but really I just feel like a failure.
Why couldn't I figure out a way to carry my infant around?!? Everyone else seems to have angel babies...I feel like this is somehow a reflection of my parenting. I'm sure it is.

Sweaty Pits Parent

There is NOTHING quite as awesome as the single mom excuse. I used it liberally while Brett was in Ranger School-mostly about things that required me to take Ransom places...like Chapel, Bible Study, Fun Nights, Parties...pretty much anything that was not the grocery store.

I told myself that it would be SO much easier with Brett around and so I would "wait until he got back" before making any strides to do any "extracurricular" activities.

But then Brett came back.

And it turns out that my child is still on a three hour schedule. He still eats for 45 minutes. He still needs an hour a half nap, that if he misses or gets cut short on -than the next nap is a MESS....and it, in fact, had NOTHING to do with being a single parent and it had everything to do with being a parent. period.

However, even with that realization about my child- I'm also coming to the realization that I DO really, really want to go to the Sunday STS ( STS-Searching The Scriptures) Bible Study. Its basically the equivalent of "church" for me...and I miss how it fed me. -turns out listening to sermons online...not the same thing. Because, I also really miss the fellowship of other believers.

So, I started to put out feelers ( aka I started to tell other people that I was "thinking" about going...), I wanted to put it out there to see if other people-particularly other mothers found it to be as daunting as I did...thankfully I have a sister who's awesome and told me that she too wished she could be a hermit. This was terribly helpful since I also told some other moms who's responses were much more along the lines of "What!?! You mean you haven't already gone to _(fill in blank with any out side house activity)____?! Me and my child have been doing ____ for WEEKS and its been easy-peasy."

THAT is not helpful. Because I know deep down in my heart that these other moms must think its hard too...but acting as though its not places seeds of doubt  that maybe I'm not the Awesome Mom I'd like to think I am ( ha!)....and, geez! Other Moms! Do really have to go laying seeds of doubt in my already doubt filled mind?!?! Ugg.


Anyway, so I'm realizing that I'm lazy...that its SO MUCH easier to stay home and stick to our schedule than it is to go out and have that schedule messed with...

But that confession being said, I'm trying to get myself geared up for the big "break out"...Ransom and I are going to go to STS if its that last thing we do and, yes, I do know that it probably WON'T be the last thing we do... I know that he'll live through it.

He may cry through the whole thing and my pits may get sweaty as I try to maintain a calm outward composure that will convince everyone else there that I'm cool with whatever....but ultimately we'll live through it and I feel like that's the important thing here....its allllll about living through these mini-events.

And....even though this all has to do with being a parent. I am SUPER-DE-DUPER glad that I am NOT having to do these little breakout adventures alone. Brett will be there. And, somehow, that WILL in fact make it easier. Even if my pits still get sweaty.

The Cloud

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 

Well, my dear friends...we did it! Brett's graduation was on Friday and it was truly a awe-inspiring day to see Brett receive his Ranger Tab ( from me!) 

It was really touching to see so many great friends come out to Brett's graduation-many traveling all night to get there in time! And then to think about all those who have supported and prayed us through these past three months. I'll hopefully have a lot more pictures once I get the ones my dad took at Graduation-but I did just want to share what I did this afternoon after all of our guests where gone and Ransom went down for his nap. 

Brett and I sat on the couch and I read all the letters that he received in Ranger School. Can I just say that the verse I posted above absolutely CAME TO LIFE looking at all those letters! 

Why?

Why is it that the last week can often be the hardest? Honestly, I have no complaints about the past two months...the Lord has blessed me greatly and I've learned a lot through the challenges and the blessings...but this week, this week I'm DONEZO!

Seriously, I am SO OVER not having Brett home. I'm SO OVER not having a normal routine. I'm SO OVER missing out Chapel and Bible Study because I can't manage by myself. I'm SO OVER being a single Mom. I'm SO OVER making house decisions, child decisions, car decisions and financial decisions all on my onesie.

Ok. So now I will answer my own question. I easily fall into this trap of, "oh! one week?!  I can do this! This'll be easy-peasy! God, I know you've been handling my life great up until now-but take a step back, I've GOT THIS."

Um. no. Abigail, you do not HAVE THIS.

And it is very clear that I'm going to need some extra-special Spiritual Help up until...well, really forever...because JUST because Brett get's home does not mean I'm not going to flip out about something new and need more help! hehe!
So, yes. As for this week....I'm not done needing the Grace of God to get through it all.

Oh. And today, Ransom, Emma ( she's my very last visitor before Brett's return...actually she's staying past his return!) and I spent THREE AWFUL HOURS at the Doctors trying to figure out why he is spiting up a lot ( more like THROWING up...as in projectile actions!) and waking up in the middle of his naps screaming in pain...I had taken him to the doctor on Friday but of course Ransom got there and started cooing and flirting with the doctors and nurses and therefore making a BIG FAT LIAR out of me ( not really, but they sent us home as if I was...) and so we had to go BACK again today...and while I didn't say anything I KNOW that the Doctors got the hint. They realized that this Mama right here was going to just KEEP COMING BACK...again and again and again until the realized that my sweet cooing baby was in need of some attention.
And so exam, blood work, ultra sound later and I finally had the acid reflux medicine that I had wanted all along. WIN.

Now let's pray that it starts to work. *sigh*

61 days

There will probably be many many posts like this one this week, because honestly since words are insufficient I will just beat them into submission trying to MAKE them sufficient...


BRETT GRADUATES RANGER SCHOOL ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Over 60 people prayed ( those are JUST the people I know of!!) . Eight people came to stay with me.  Five people made meals for me. Five people babysat my child 7 different times. I received eight packages in the mail and three cards. Countless facebook messages and some emails and texts too. And then there was all the support that Brett received....

Honestly, there are NO WORDS to describe the love and the support that we've received through this Ranger School process. In fact, blogging is SO insufficient. Here are some of the verses that the Lord blessed me with during these last 8 weeks! 

Is 33:2, O Lord, be gracious to us, we have waited for you. Be their strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.

Job 23:10-12, But he knows the way that I take when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept my way and have not turned aside I have not departed from the commandment of his lip; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food. 

Ps 42:8, By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me. 

Ps 46:5, God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God will help her when the morning dawns

Job 37:14 Stop and consider the wondrous works of God. Do you know how God lays his commands upon them?

Ps 52:8 I will trust in the steadfast love of the Lord forever and ever. 

Job 42:2 I know you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 

Ps 55:16-18, But I call to God and the Lord will save me. Evening, morning and at noon, I utter my complaint and moan, and he heard my voice. 

Ps 55: 22, Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you, he will never permit the righteous to be moved. 

Ps 56: 3-4, When I am afraid I put my trust in you. In God who's word I praise. In God I trust I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

Rev 4.11, Worthy are you, Our Lord and God. To receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they exist and were created. 

Ps 66.19, But truly God has listened he has attended to the voice of my prayer. 

Ps 69:12-13, But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord, at an acceptable time, O God in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness. Deliver me from sinking in the mire. 

Ps 71:20, YOu who have made me see many troubles and calamities, will revive me again from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again. 

No end in sight

I've been meaning to post for days, but along with having my dearest friend Lindsay here ( why waste time blogging, when she's around?!) and my long lost friend Amy moving in LITERALLY within throwing distance( if you had a good arm) and Bethany returning for Round 2 of her visits... Well..normal days just haven't happened!
But the MAJOR reason there has been no blogging has been the return of Monmy Duties Extreme... Poor baby Ransom has been SERIOUSLY unhappy the last few days, which has made ME seriously unhappy! I'm still not entirely sure what was/is wrong with him ( projectile vomiting, fussiness, not sleeping..) but I'm praying like crazy that the end of it is near.

However, seriously, when I think about it- when I look at the lives of other Moms I know, I'm realizing more and more that you NEVER seem to reach a point of real normalcy.... Something always seems to be coming up to throw a wrench in your plans. I'd like to think that this is 3am talking ( the time that I'm writing this post) but I'm thinking sadly, no. I would, however, at LEAST like ONE WEEK where I feel like my child is sleeping and eating well, followed by ANOTHER WEEK of the same.. That's what I'd like.

Think ahead!

So, when you say something like, "Next week I'm not going to eat any sweets!" you should really think ahead and realize that on Tuesday you're going to have to take your son to the doctor and realize that the ONLY WAY to recover from that is ice cream.

I think the worst thing about the whole affair is that I think so much of Ransom's distress could have been prevented. Like, they could have been running on time and so my carefully planned out schedule that I made JUST FOR TODAY so that Ransom would be fed and awake would work. But NO...instead, Ransom was already dosing and fussy and really really needing a nap by the time the annoying lady came to give him his shots. And THEN she had to NOT have her act together and gave him one shot...and then waited forever doing WHO KNOWS WHAT while she got the other one ready...and my sweet little boy had already screamed and calmed himself back down. So this meant that with the second shot he was HYSTERICAL! She also gave him the liquid medicine first...the sweet stuff that probably would have helped calm him down from his Annoying Woman Induced screams, BUT NO.

And THEN...THEN they made us wait in the pharmacy for thirty minutes.
So, seriously once Ransom got home his little cries reached this high pitch that I have NEVER heard before. It was awful.

And so, he ate,  I gave him his tylenol and he's now taking an epic nap and I'm eating ice cream. We both deserve it.

Hard little life lessons

So, I had a big piece of humble pie this weekend....
I've basically decided-after being back home for about two hours ( so its possible I'll learn something later) that I should NOT have gone to the conference this weekend.

I mean, I honestly cannot figure out why I was there! I literally sat by myself for a majority of the weekend, because Ransom would NOT nap in his car seat ( go figure! Who would want to do that anyway?!?) and therefore I missed every session* because I was sitting up in an empty seating area while my child slept in a room nearby. Yeah. I would then be late for every meal because I was feeding Ransom first, and therefore I would show up-hand my kid over to someone for a short while, while I shoved food in my mouth. No good conversations with people there! The one possible saving grace of the weekend was that I got to lead a workshop with my friend Keri-and getting to prepare that workshop with her over the past few months has been REALLY great! But, to be honest she could have TOTALLY done it without me...and I think that's kind of why I feel humbled.
Was I really suppose to go to that Conference? If I'm honest about it, I didn't spend too much time praying about it at the time that it was first mentioned-I just went "business as usual" and at the time usual was to say "yes" to ministry opportunities...Now I am thinking that ministry opportunities equal my son...
Its hard to admit that I am so much more limited now-and while I wish that I could do everything-doing something as big as a conference without ever Brett there for help-it was silly.

BUT, on the plus side Ransom was an absolute DREAM CHILD for most of the weekend, including the car rides- seriously....LOVE this little boy!

*My wonderful super-hero of a friend, Marie took Ransom for the last session...along with her own four children. incidentally, she didn't go to ANY of the sessions-what an amazing person!

Mom ( or Dad!) Survey...

So, here's my Parenting Question for the day...

I am going to need to get Ransom up an hour ahead of schedule on Sunday and on Tuesday....should I just go ahead and get him up an hour early on Monday too? On one hand I do not want to confuse the kid more than I already am...on the other hand I don't want to start a trend.  So, to sum up...do you think I should or should not get Ransom up an hour early on Monday too.

Comment away!

units of time

There is this episode of Friends where Joey explains to Ross that if you don't work you have to divide your day into units of time...and you shouldn't do too many units in one day.

I took this very much to heart after having a baby...not because I wanted to spread things out, but because I literally COULDN'T HANDLE doing more than one "unit" a day...( i.e. taking a walk, going to the grocery store, going to the post office, cleaning the bathroom etc. etc.)

But, today, without even realizing it I did SEVERAL UNITS one right after the other...and its only 4pm!! So, what happened?!

7 hours of sleep happened!!!

YUUUUUSSSS! My good little baby slept like a champ last night. And therefore so did Mommy.

I hope that this will be a trend and will continue into this weekend- the weekend I like to call "Scare Abigail with a trip" weekend.

That's right, this weekend I am traveling with Ransom ( and several other ladies crammed in my car) to Toccoa, GA for the Navigator Fall conference ( that's a 3 and half hours drive...without a kid, in case you're wondering).
I will somehow figure out how to:
A.travel with my child.
B.pack all the appropriate STUFF that my child seems to need on a daily basis for a three day trip.
C.keep Ransom on a schedule so that he doesn't get cranky while at this conference.
D.go to meetings and also spend time with people at the conference.
E.LEAD a workshop that my friend Keri and I have been preparing.
F.not go insane.

I want to break out into hives just thinking about the logistics of this endeavor.

Things I love...

I am SO SO SO loving Autumn! And I'm loving the Autumn weather that we're having here in Georgia...Sunny and highs in the low 70s! 

Ransom and I took a walk with our friend Marie ( Ransom fell asleep) but I loved the sun and the good company ( and getting out of my house! haha!) 

Oh, and I love this little guy...

A machine

I am currently a feeding machine. I'm assuming Ransom is going through some sort of growth spurt ( or at least he BETTER BE) because the little dude has been waking up every three hours at night ( something I really thought he'd grown out of) and every two hours all day today to chow down....This has made me extra hungry ( this may or may not be in my mind...but whatever gives me the excuse to eat all these M&Ms I'm going with it).

In other, unrelated news, I have new neighbors. They have two daughters...or as I will call them from now on...two high pitched screaming banshees. I mean, seriously, people...the octave that little girls can reach when screaming-whether a happy scream, a mad scream, a sad scream or a "walking to the car" scream-it is all WAAAAAAY too much for my ears. I am annoyed. Which could also be directly related to my lack of sleep...and hunger.

So, in other unrelated news...I've put up Brett's new address...its highly possible that his Platoon and Squad ( and maybe even company) will change again since there is usually a reshuffle after each phase-but I feel like we can go with what we've got and it'll get to him, the mail people seem pretty good about getting him his letters :-)

Ok, also...( I won't say unrelated because I think we've established that this post is very "unrelated") I think I smell like sour milk. I've been smelling it off and on all day...and I think it may actually be ME! This is super embarrassing and now I must go take a shower before Ransom wakes up YET. AGAIN.

Bonus: I've added yet another tab at the top of the page, and "About Me" section which is really very self-involved. BUT, if you go read it-you maaaaay find a not-very-well-hidden Easter Egg. Or whatever they call them...but yeah, there's a little surprise in there. 

Same music...different tune

I am once again listening to the sound track of my child crying...but the Lord was TRULY merciful to me this evening and, somehow, I can handle it a little better now...

Just when I was really at the end of my rope ( seriously, I was having a hardcore inner monologue about how awful things where) when who was to call me on the phone?!?!

BRETT!!!!!!

Yay!! I got to talk to him for a whole five minutes and it just so happened to be a five minute period when his son was NOT screaming but smiling and cooing to himself so Brett was about to talk to his son and actually get some cute responses and NOT the screaming that I'm currently privy to...and OOOOOOH! Can I tell you how wonderful it was to hear his voice?!? AND on top of that Brett is infact moving on to the final stage of Ranger School as of tomorrow....ANNNNND on top of that if he passes the final stage then he'll actually be home earlier than I thought ( apparently they give them a few days before graduation to put on a little weight-probably so mothers everywhere do not file complaints with the federal government) and so I could see him as early as the 18th or 19th! AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Ok, lets stop a moment and realize just how weak I am...and how generous and merciful God is! I got off the phone with Brett and sat on my bed and told Ransom just how wonderful the Lord is that He is gracious and kind to his weak mother by letting her have a glimmer of hope JUST when I needed it!

You're invited!

To a Pity Party....

I'm throwing said party right now...the refreshments are Peanut M&Ms ( as luck would have it, I filled the bowl this afternoon...) and the soundtrack is Ransom going down for his nap-aka crying.

Let's get this party started!

First of all, I miss Brett. A. Lot.  And today it was strikingly clear when I went and penned airborne wings on Jaymon at his Airborne graduation. I know that BOTH of us would have rather had Brett be there doing that for him. I was a sad, sad substitute.

And it was also strikingly clear when a giant branch from a tree outside our house landed squarely on top of one of our cars...incidentally the car that I use everyday...the other car, the Prius- has low pressure in the tires and I haven't had a chance to take care of it since Brett left....anyway, so this giant branch landed on the car and did some damage to the passenger side of the car...nothing terrible, mostly just monitary damage ( you KNOW its gonna cost a million dollars to repair those dents and all that paint damage) and time damage ( you KNOW its going to be huge ol' hassle to get it appraised and then fixed with a baby in toe). And when it all comes down to it I just tired and grumpy about life and its times like these that you'd really like your husband there to commiserate with you.

But, as luck (?) would have it...its highly possible that Brett is parachuting into Florida tomorrow and thus starting the last phase of Ranger School...and that is SUCH good news, or at least it should be...if I wouldn't continually be a Debby Downer inside my head saying things like, "All these good things happening to us will surely end..."

Of course, having a giant branch fall on your car is not good...so maybe that'll take place of anything bad happening to Brett. ;-)

OH! And NONE of you said anything about my list of favorite posts...so BOO!

Ok. Parties over...I'll go do my best to turn off the soundtrack.