dusty

So, friends, I'm dusting off the ol' blog today after a truly awful day. I know, probably the worst way to blog. Nobody wants to read downer posts and I so hate the social media trend of using facebook and posts to just rant and vent...so I will not mention my day. I mentioned it on facebook instead. HA!

Instead, I'll take this time I usually get to spend with my husband ( the after the kids go to bed time) that is now my "alone" time since he's started night shifts for the forseeable future to write this post. I've had a lot floating around that I wanted to post but I was either lazy or busy and it didn't happen..usually a combo of both ;-)

So instead of a nice, well written post, here are some barely coherent thoughts:

I heard this Kutless song on the radio the other day and its kind of stuck with me:



~~~~~


One of the things I'm learning from writing out the girls story all at once, is that I crave feedback. Almost every time I sit down to write I end up wanting to send it to someone to read. Apparently I have been blogging too long and now I want to not only get things off my chest, but I also want validation from another person. Uh-oh. I feel like Greg Kinnear's character in You've Got Mail who's always wanting people to read his work out loud or asking for feedback. So, anyway, other than a friend of mine who's a pretty awesome editor, I havent sent it out to anyone and I don't think even Brett has read it. So this is good. Growth.

~~~~~

Brett and I have been following a pretty close budget the last two months thanks to an iphone app toshl finance. It has cutesy  little monster animation to try to distract you from the fact that you're spending tons of money. It feeds my OCD nature and I looove looking at my little money chart. That being said I already went over my "spending money" budget for the month because I had to buy some summer clothes that fit ( thanks extra 30 pounds pregnancy!! Way to over stay your welcome!!! )....and then as awful luck would have it, I found this purse that I really really wanted:

Its a gorgeous Tailor and Stylist bag.
It has now become clear that I just might be the one that spends money not Brett spending it on coffee. ( to be far, he DOES spend lots of money on coffee...coffee just doesnt cost $50 a pop. sigh) 
Anyway. 
Since my current purse double as a diaper bag, its just as well that I can't buy this one...but someone else should buy it because look how cute it is!! Don't let this go to waste!


~~~~~


Last week I watched Good Will Hunting on Netflix because I was in the mood. Did you realize that movie is like 15 years old?!?! I'm not even kidding. I remember when Matt and Ben won the Oscar for best screen play like it was yesterday. Wow.

~~~~~


So, Tabitha is 4 months old and she has yet to laugh. She has learned to screech with glee, on the other hand. So, yeah, not sure what to think about that. I'm wondering if I'm just not very funny (?)

~~~~~

I have officially entered the period of time that happens every time I move ( or in the case of Georgia when all my friends moved away all at once.) where I feel incredibly lonely and I think that I will never ever have any friends ever again. This time, however, I had the added bonus of also having two kids...one of whom I'd ALSO like to have friends and the other who I'd like to have friends one day when she starts to laugh at things. I had no idea having kids was going to add this heartbreaking element. Or maybe I did know and I just blocked it out, or I thought it wouldn't come so soon. Watching Ransom at the park watching other kids play literally BROKE MY HEART the other day. Nevermind that he's always been more comfortable watching in big groups. It just reinforced in my mind that I really miss his little friends: Emmy, Elizabeth, Kilsyth...dude. He needs some boy friends.

~~~~~

To Rest

We spent the last week with family ( or at least the kids and I did, Brett drove up on Sunday after work) taking advantage of our last "4 days off" for Brett's work before the summer surge hits. It was good. I'm boiling it all up to the celebration of life. My niece turned 3 with a fairy princess party. We honored my good friend Jennifer's twins ( and she surprised us by honoring OUR twins too!) at the March of Dimes
walk. And Brett and I spread Priscilla's ashes...
It's weird, I know, that I say celebrate life when some of what we did was deal with death, but that's the thing... As Brett and I walked with our baby girls ashes the thing that popped into my head was a line from the song In Christ Alone :

No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand; Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand. We had sung this song on Sunday in church, but I know it came to my mind as a comforting reminder in those moments. There is nothing like facing the finality of death to help one realize how miraculous Life can be! Whether one admits it or not, He is the one who controls our destinies. He is the one who knows us better than we know ourselves. As for my baby girl? As for my niece, my friends, their children, my very own life- they are all in His Hand!

I am grateful for this constant reminder of the miracles-both big and small- that The Lord gives us on a daily basis.

If you are interested, you can read the letter I read out loud to Priscilla when we spread her ashes here.

therapy.

So, clearly, this whole writing the girls story business is going to be harder than I thought. But also therapeutic because there are some things I have literally not thought about in a long time, and definitely things I haven't necessarily put into words.

Writing is really my cheapest form of therapy because it makes me sit here and think things through enough to where I can get it into words, then sentences and then paragraphs-till hopefully it can go back into my brain ( through reading it back ) neater and tidier than when it came out.

That being said I totally cried this afternoon. I skipped ahead a tiny bit ( so far I've been going sequentially) to get the months of July and August out of the way....they have been weighing on me ever since I started writing a week ago. They are the months leading up to the surgery and in some ways hold the most emotional baggage of our experience-much more so than the time directly after the surgery. I'm sure there is a good explanation for this, but I'm not exactly sure what it is yet....when I figure it out, I'll be sure to write it down. ;-)

Digging around creates....dirt.

So, it has been impressed upon me recently that I must write Tabitha and Priscilla's story in its entirety, before I forget all the little details that sadly fade with time...
This means that lately I've been sitting down in front of a Word document a couple of times a week and weeding through the dusty archives of my memory. I can't tell you the last time I've sat down in front of a word document for this long....actually, I can. It was in college.
That being said, its good to write, though, at times it is painful. Having to relive in my mind and heart the excitement and joy ( oh, ok, and FEAR) that we experienced when we found out we were having twins....its hard to conjure up. Love lost is hard to think about. Expectations that will never be met are hard to look at full in the face.

If I'm honest I think I was afraid that it would bring on other feelings, things like bitterness or even embarrassment ( like, how could I be so silly as to think that God would give ME twins?!). But, really bringing up these memories just brings them into the Light. The light of His truth.

There is such freedom in the truth and in the Light. And I know that this will be good for me....especially as one who tends to error on the side of denial... digging around in my memory and my heart are probably a good idea.

That being said, bear with me....I don't rightly know how this will affect my blog. In college, writing assignments actually made me blog MORE ( a mixture of procrastination and also having all that pent up creativity brought to the surface), but given that I have two children and a husband-these days my time is so limited in the writing department it might mean this blog is neglected-who can say?!
But I wanted to give you a heads up just the same....

And if we're all good...maybe at the end of this I'll have a Story to share....

A grown up Mommy.

This week I visited preschools....next week I am interviewing babysitters. This makes me feel like an adult. Kind of like when I first got a job, I grabbed my car keys and my cup of coffee in a travel mug and headed out the door....for some reason that was some kind of cliche in my mind of what a grown up girl who has a job does. ( I almost said working girl. ahem.) Anyway, for my preschool tours I got dressed and put on makeup way early in the morning ( like before 9am) and went and presented myself all collected like and asked questions like, "do you focus more on socialization or on a specific curriculum?" which, if you think that's an impressive question, you'd be right...I got it from my sister. I asked her what to ask about because I wanted to seem like I knew what I was talking about... This was, of course, an act because I've been extra air-headed lately.
 I went to Michaels to buy a frame for something that Brett wanted framed, and I took in the picture so that I could look at it with the frames...then I bought a frame and walked out of the store...leaving my picture behind. fabulous.
I also went to the store today and left the garage open....luckily the grocery store's electricity was out (!?!) and therefore we werent able to go and I was home much faster than I would have been...but still...you get the point...

So next week, I am interviewing baby-sitters. I've never had to do this because I 'inherited' my last baby sitter from my friend Marie. Liz was the greatest thing to happen to babysitting and so I had her for the last two years. Now I am faced with the sad job of trying to replace her. Its awful. I actually cried after her last time with Ransom.
So, what kind of questions should I ask? I'm so nervous! I don't want to be more nervous than the person who supposedly wants a job from me! Eek! So, if anyone has any advice for me as far as good probing questions that will weed out the "soup opera watchers" from the "I make up crafts to do with your child" sitters, I'd be appreciative....
Ok, back to parenting. Tabitha and I are going through sleep training at the moment. It's been much harder with her, ironically, because she's such an easier baby.  With Ransom he was so grumpy and crying all the time, a little crying at nap time and bedtime didn't bother me so much. I was immune. With Tabitha, she's just so sweet and good....I feel so bad to hear her crying and thus I cave pretty much all the time. Ah well, if there's anything I've learned this second time around its to not be too hard on myself, this parenting thing is not so set in stone as the books make it out to be. For instance, your toddler will be adorable, dancing on the hearth for his bear and lamb one minute, and throwing an all out fit the next minute. This is life.
Maybe I'll ask my possible babysitters a "hypothetical" question regarding two year olds with multiple personalities...

Smother mother council

Brett started "work-work" this week meaning he'll be working all week. Something we've thankfully haven't had to experience for almost a month! Glory glory! It has been so incredibly nice to take a breather as a family. We needed it.

But, now I'm back being full-time mommy and I'd forgotten how hard it is. You just don't get anything done. Which is why I'm blogging right now instead of taking a shower. Who needs showers? Besides I did things backwards today....I got up early, put on makeup and got all prettied up and such and went to a preschool tour, then I came home and worked out. So, you know, my body isn't really sure whether it smells like sweat or perfume, or if it looks like nicely applied eyeliner or very messy hair....eh.

So, yeah, lets talk about that preschool tour....That's some overwhelming stuff! I know Ransom would really love the socialization and the routine of going back to preschool in the fall ( he loved it so much when he was in Nacogdoches, he STILL talks about his teachers) but Momma is having a hard time with the idea! I mean, just thinking about my little dude being there without me is hard! I know, I know, I was without him for months but that was necessity and now I'm back to clinging on for dear life. But, I don't want to be a smother mother so, I'm doing my Mommy-duty and I'm putting on my cute shoes and make up and pretending that I do that every day, and I'm visiting preschools....

sigh 

I'm feeling extra smother-y because last week Ransom had an allergic reaction to a bug bite at the park and we had to rush to the Doctor and we were sent home with Epi-pens. Eeek! Way to freak out a Mommy by giving her a shot to jab into her son's leg in an emergency! It was the reminder the "worrier" in me "needed" to amp up the worry. And yet, I'm fighting it. I know that these are all things I cannot control, and the only thing I can do is my very best for any given day...today it was sidewalk chalk and playdough...and tomorrow we'll try to make cookies. If I can't protect them from everything, at least help me to give them some good memories...

Different

What happens in a month? A lot. And while I've known my blog was being heartily neglected, I knew that it was probably a good idea because my head space was probably the messiest it has been in a long long time. Nobodies got time for that. Or rather nobody has time to read that....

But for better or worse, I'm back and this morning Brett gave me some time to go be. Which basically means, away from children, away from house, away from husband... to think a little bit more clearly.

So, I sit here in my new city...San Antonio ( if you don't know how we got here: Read this post!). I am full of thankfulness. Thankfulness that we made it to San Antonio at ALL. Amazing.
Thankful that we're here to do life and ministry with such wonderful friends. Thankful that the Lord "picked out" a house for us ( I didn't see it until we'd affectively already moved in.)...a house that's perfectly hidden behind a large nature reserve, but close to Super Target and Nordstroms rack*. It even has a horse farm down the road that Ransom already loves...how does God know even the things that we need that I didn't even know!?

In reading of the Bible this past week I read this verse:
"So he called its name Rehoboth, saying, for now the Lord has made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land." Gen 26:22

That's how I feel. I feel like room has been made for us, and even though I've still got growing pains that all new places bring-getting lost on the way to this coffee shop, for instance. I know that this is where we're suppose to be and I will believe that we will be "fruitful" here.

We're in a cool place of being perfectly in the middle....the middle between our dear friends the Woods and the Thars who are all grandparents both physically and spiritually, and the students at Fort Sam Houston that are all babies ( ok, they're probably 19 or 20 on average.) that we are trying to share the love of Jesus with....its gonna be pretty fun, I think. And very very different.

I'm ready for different.



*I had to pull out our dusty budget and revamp it....I've never had trouble staying in our budget, but after living here about two days I realized I was going to be in trouble if I didn't do something....girlfriend likes have so many fun things close by. hehe)

Clean house...clean mind

Is this a common phrase? I'm not even sure where it comes from but its definitely true in my life. The last few weeks-really ever since I had a moment in my living room where I noticed how dusty the TV was and I calculated how many days we had left here at Benning ( a week and a half at the time) and I decided it wasn't worth the effort to clean any more....probably a big mistake. I've gotten increasingly frazzled and increasingly on edge ever since....case in point I lost Tabitha's baby monitor for a whole day. Misplaced it in the morning and didn't think much of it, but by the end of the day Brett and I were both scouring the house, even going through the trash cans, trying to find the monitor....no luck.
Next morning I go to get Ransom some socks out of his sock basket. There was the monitor.

Basically I've become a literal basket case.

To make matters more awesome and "unsettled" Brett and I have moved ourselves and Tabitha into the guest bedroom ( which I had incidentally already deemed "mover ready" so I had to re-make the bed etc.) because Brett noticed tale tell signs of mold in our hole-ridden bedroom ceiling. Just what we and our newborn need are mold spores in our lungs. I am so angry at the injustice of how they have never fixed our roof after 2 years of leaking. Honestly, I know I should just let it go, but I feel like they are getting away with more because its "on post housing" if this were in a typical apartment complex I feel like we'd at least get some rent pro-rated or SOMETHING for this kind of behavior! Now I'm just complaining.

Bottom line. It turns out I'm an orderly person. And I like things neat and tidy and relatively clean. And I can HARDLY WAIT to be living such a life again.....

2 more days till we say goodbye!!

In 10 minutes

Last night the ministry we've been a part of here at Fort Benning had a party, and Brett and I were given 10 minutes of the event to share what God has done in our lives while we've lived here, as a 'goodbye' of sorts....well, as anyone who's known me long can attest, 10 minutes was HARD to stick to...especially since between Brett and I, it was really just 5...but, it was good to have to condense all that time into something compact that can be seen easily from somewhere other than space. It helped me to see just what has been done in my heart, in our families....so, here's a little bit of an "extended" version of what I said last night:

We have lived at Fort Benning since November 2009. That's over 3 years. When I prayed that we'd get to live somewhere for longer than a year, I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting south west Georgia, on the Alabama border. I wasn't expecting living at a super transient Army post where most people come for only months at a time....and well, before I have to put " I wasn't expecting" at the beginning of every sentence of this post, basically the last three years are some of the hardest most challenging years I've ever faced. Looking back nothing was was I expected, but this is what I got:


Some of the most diverse bunch of ladies, to walk along side -some for just a short while and some, thankfully, for longer but some of the women who have impacted me the MOST are; Rolinda ( the only one who was here when we arrived and who is still here...THAT'S how temporary this place can be for most people!), Marie, Keri, Deb, Bonnie, Jessie, Chris, Michelle, Susan, Melissa, Katie, Adelaide, Miranda, Robin, Britton, Lindsay and Shannon.... And many more! And that's not counting Sarah or Jane or Cindy who were part of my time in Texas this last year but who also impacted me greatly.

We also had some guys live with us over the past three years, Nate, JJ, and Gordon hardly counted but they taught me some things about having single guys in my home that I'm glad I learned. But then there was Jaymon and Hayden who lived with us for much longer and whom I was really so blessed to share our lives with.

In the three years here, we ran a "typical" navigator bible study at Airborne chapel, but with the added twist of having those attending usually only being with us for three weeks ( the length of airborne school).... This meant that we'd have to make relationships quickly and ask ourselves what is really important when you're sharing Christ with someone. It also meant we could never get comfortable and stop asking people to come to Bible study, if we didn't invite new people in a month the place would be dead! I learned a lot about rejection and cutting to the chase.

Then we went to pave a new study at Kelley Hill where Brett was working, and we had the funniest bunch of dudes! There I learned that I don't always get to choose who I'm suppose to love. See Thanksgiving 2011. Strippers were definitely talked about at my dining room table. Ahem.

During the last three years we've seen the gamut of ministry styles which has meant just as much an adjustment for our social side of things as our spiritual- We went from having large Barbecues hosted at our house almost every week, weekly standing dinners at the on post Mexican Restaurant with lots and lots of people, to hardly seeing anyone at ALL for months on end, to having home churches spread out across Fort Benning where we'd see a small group of people .... This happened when we started the Great Commission Experiment ( which was, just that, an Experiment based on following the Great Commission, focusing on the "go") and that was when I saw hardly anyone at all for weeks on end because everyone was "going" and I was a stay at home mom...focusing on the staying.... anyway, the experiment lead to simplified small groups where simple storytelling and some basic questions were the focus and by this time Brett was in Command at work and we moved from "leadership" to "helper"-stepping back to support our friends the Fones and the group they were having in their home. Being a part of that group and also meeting with two couples on Sundays for "church" was both challenging and encouraging.
These small groups then morphed in to another small group type set up, but I can't say much about that because this is when my own journey took me to Texas for 5 long months.... Which brings me to the personal part of my time here at Fort Benning.

To account all the personal lessons I've learned would be impossible ( some I've probably forgotten, and I'll sadly have to learn them again) but some I feel like have changed me and been written on my heart in a way I know I will never forget.
Living in the Wood's house for 5 months. Working for Chuck and the Army leadership team. Becoming a Mother, Brett making it through Ranger School-starting 10 days after Ransom was born. Recovery from having a baby-FYI doesn't take just 6 weeks. Surviving a colicky baby and learning the many joys and trails of being someones Mommy ( this, I think is different from 'becoming a mother'. )Brett's company command and the 24/7 work that entailed. Brett telling me we were going to follow the Woods, and finding out that meant going to San Antonio. Dealing with some personal criticism. Finding out I was pregnant with twins. Dealing with the increasingly scary prospects of that pregnancy. Bed rest and having to rely on others for EVERYTHING. The loss of Priscilla. The miracle of Tabitha. The life of extended hospital stays and the Ronald McDonald house.....All these things together equal a very different Abigail than the one who started. And isn't that the promise? There is a great work being done in my life, and hopefully it isn't even remotely finished....


I arrived at Fort Benning on my 26th Birthday, excited about getting to spend time with my husband after a year long deployment. I'd spent that year immersed in women's ministry at Fort Lewis and I thought I was up for whatever was going to be thrown my way...

I will leave Fort Benning the mother of two, with my husband with whom I've celebrated life with, and grieved over death, and I know for a FACT that I am actually not up for whatever is thrown my way, but that God definitely is....

In my dreams

A little known fact about me is that when I was younger...pre-kids, pre-husband, I use to day-dream or rather "night-dream" about houses. Not boys or mushy stuff.... houses. That's right. One of the only ways for me to fall asleep at night was to create floor plans. Mansions, houses, cottages, lofts....and then  when I got  a design I particularly liked I'd spend night after night decorating the rooms.

I'll have to ask my Mom, but I think I may have gotten this trait from my Mema? I vaguely remember hearing that she use to do this too...

Anyway, we've recently found a house in San Antonio that we'll most likely rent ( the paper work is just waiting to be signed), and I definitely hope it ends up that way because if we dont then I've wasted a LOT of time! You see, as soon as this house entered my radar as the one we'd probably be living in...my old tendencies kicked back in...you know, the ones I'd lost when I had serious worries to think about at night rather than fanciful dreams...

So, as soon as we decided on the house, and our friends Deb and Bonnie went to look at it and gave it their thumbs up on our behalf, I started piecing together the floor plan by going through the pictures and working out how the rooms probably fit together. And THEN I found this totally awesome app on the ipad that I think is called "room planner" ( I don't have it in front of me).  That allowed me to even put in the dimensions of the rooms and after much scrutinizing of pictures I finally had a floor plan ( minus the bathrooms and the closets in the extra bedrooms...I still havent figured out how they fit) that I think is basically what the house looks like. 

Then once I had my floor plan, it looked rather empty. And this app JUST SO HAPPENED to let you put furniture into the rooms, and it let you change the dimensions of the furniture...and so that's how I ended up running around my house measuring all my furniture, and then inserting it into my make-believe house! Except this time it's supposedly real! Oh what fun! 

Yes, lets just say that's how I spent Tabitha's feeding sessions for about two days straight! I'm definitely excited about a new house to get creative in! I realized that being an Army life has allowed me, in a much more practical, less fanciful, way live out my daydreams...in our five years of marriage we'll have moved 4 times not counting this move and each time I've had to piece together a new home, and I've loved it! Of course this time around I've got a toddler and a 2 month old to contend with so I think the love will be a little less pronounced. For instance, yesterday I had a baby sitter and Brett ( for a little while) at home and I STILL didnt get all the things I wanted to get done accomplished. Seriously. How in the WORLD do people get things done with two children?! Some moms even add work to the equation!! HOW?!?! HOWWWWWW!?! Luckily for me we'll have movers who will pack us and move our stuff otherwise I don't even think this move would be physically possible. Just getting basic prep done for the move is just about maxing me out. That being said, just 3 more weeks in Georgia!! 

Here was the house when I was in the process of moving furniture around....stay tuned for the finish product...and hopefully the real thing ( as long as we survive!)!

( if you click on the plan, it should open up a bigger version, if you're curious)

Something about pride and falling...

Today I had to have a little repenting moment....A baptism if you will. And I say "baptism" because there was a lot of water involved. This was no sprinkling, we're talking a dunking.

Anyway, before I get too carried away in my metaphors, let me just say that I've now been a mother of two by myself for almost two weeks. I've had one or two really bad days, and a bad moment or two pretty much every day ( have I mentioned that Tabitha does not like to be put down when she's awake?! Yeah. Not cool...if anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears...she does not like the vibrating seat that Ransom so adored when he was her age...sigh). But all in all, we've made it unscathed. And I've even kept up a pretty basic routine. And so yesterday I was driving somewhere and I was looking at my clock thinking how I was going to be right on time to keep with my awesome schedule I'd created for myself, and I gave myself a major pat on the back...and then ( here comes the bad part) I started comparing myself to others. I thought about how totally awesome I was and that I was able to arrive to events on time and with two kids in tow, fully clothed, me looking ( sorta kinda) decent, and I thought, "man, I've got this parenting of two thing down pat!" 
  *side note: Lets not even get into the fact that, thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law and terrific friends I've hardly had to make a full meal by myself yet....also, my house...its not exactly what we'd call "clean"....but lets just forget that for the time being...

Then today, I was brought firmly down to earth when I decided to go to our library's storytime in a torrential down pour... As I was driving to the library in the pouring rain I realized that it was a baaad idea ( in fact, I had a hint that it was a bad idea when I was taking Ransom and Tabitha out to the car in stages...getting wetter and wetter as I went...), I started to visualize how we were going to get into the library and every scenario involved badness, yet my pride did not allow me to turn around...and sure enough, it was awful.

And by awful I mean, Tabitha in the stroller with a broken umbrella draped over her, an umbrella that became more and more broken with every new gust of wind, letting in more water....and then me trying to navigate said stroller with one hand while I held my heavy two year old and another umbrella in the other. Ransom kept slipping and the umbrella kept sliding and, well, it was horrible. 

THEN once safely inside the library I figured we were through the worst, but wrong again...Tabitha, who is normally napping during the next hour and a half, had a dirty diaper and woke up crying. So, I grabbed her up, and took her and Ransom into the bathroom in the hopes that I could quickly change her before storytime started....

Hey, have you noticed that there is a healthy echo in public bathrooms?!? Well, THERE IS... and imagine a screaming infant objecting to her diaper change...and now add in a two year old who is objecting to the infant-screams by screaming himself....Yeah. I can imagine that the people clear on the other side of the library were hearing us.

But, we finally wrapped up the diaper experience and headed into story time ( where all the moms looked at me with a mix of horror/disgust and pity. By this time story time had started but Tabitha had NOT stopped crying. And then there was Ransom who was excited about singing the Wheels on the Bus, but who didn't want his mommy to leave the room with his screaming sister...lets just say we were the center of attention yet again....

Ok, that's enough. I'm done with this awful story, but basically the bottom line is that I am NOT a perfect mother of two. I have a LOT to learn, and above all, I must remember that there is no perfect parent and I must extend not only myself but ALL mommies a ton of grace.

One month...and counting.

One month ago today Tabitha entered the world a healthy, teeny tiny little baby. She still is super tiny, but more importantly she's still healthy.

I've wondered a bit about why this last month has been SO. INCREDIBLY. AWFUL. When  it comes to my own health. I've spent at least two days every week at the doctor or dentist this whole month. UNCOOL.
And I've actually wondered whhhhhhy. ( not that there has to be a reason...) to Brett in a very mournful, whiny voice...a voice I'm currently trying to teach Ransom not to use ( so far we have not made any headway...wonder why?)

But then today as I was writing Tabitha's Monthly Letter I wrote almost without thinking that it was so that I'd be continually reminded that she  was still healthy. I can't say that I was continually reminded. There have been many days trying to clothe, feed, entertain and discipline two children that I've forgotten the miracle that is there...but its true. And so in the midst of being sick and bat-bait myself I hope maybe I'll better remember that all those trips to the hospital could have been about her. They could have been for her heart, they could have been us visiting her while she lay in the NICU....But they haven't been. And that almost makes my own little woes worth it.
Sorta.

An open letter...

This is my open letter to the maker of the two baby monitors that live in my home... They are made by the same company, they were roughly the same price and they are technically the same product, one is just discontinued and the other is the "newer" "better" version...
I'm talking about my Summer's Night and Day baby monitors. And in short, new is NOT always better..

I bought my first one back in 2010. It was a Christmas present for my sister, and since we're cool like that, and she bought me the exact same monitor, I fell in love with the monitor within just a few days. The picture quality was amazing, I could watch my child sleep ( or NOT as the case often was) in ease and calm knowing he was perfectly fine. And, even though there was some static ( mostly because we live on a military post where there is plenty of radio waves filler out there) I could still hear him well too. The really great thing was I could also take the baby monitor out to the mailbox, or even downstairs to my neighbors house during nap time and still see Ransom perfectly. The range was EXCELLENT, without any lag time ( which is really important when it comes to surveillance).  I love my monitor so much I bought it for two friends who were about to have their first babies and I recommended it to countless people... Lets just say, if I like you... I don't play coy, I tell evvvvvery body!

And then my second child arrived. Now MOST people just move their baby monitor from they toddlers room to the babies room, but that's not how I roll... I will watch Ransom until he asks me to stop, and even then I'll only CONSIDER stopping ( I'm kidding, but it IS true that I'm not ready to stop just yet). So, I went on amazon and ordered my new monitor.... I had to get a whole new unit because in the two years since I'd gotten my first one a "newer model" had been made and it was not compatible with the older one. THAT was annoying, but I figured, hey...they've got to make their money some how so I figured we'd just go with it for now....BUT THEN I got my new monitor and it was all sleek and smaller. It had buttons instead of scroll on and off dials, and it was missing the antenna. For the brief minute that it was still in the package I liked it better than my old clunky one....BUT THEN I TURNED IT ON.
While the screen seems to be the same size, the clarity that my older model has is just not there on the new one. And while the audio seems a tad bit clearer ( something that I find not important in my small house, where I can hear my children all over the house anyway....) the REAL kicker came when I carried my monitor from my bedroom into the kitchen. WHERE IT WENT OUT OF RANGE.
Now, friends, I do not live in a large house. We're talking smallish to mediumish in size ( those are technical measurements) and I feel like its ONLY reasonable that my baby monitor should at LEAST work within my own home! Forget about the mail box and the neighbors house ( my friends have moved anyway...), but MY OWN KITCHEN?!?? That's necessary! Also, even when I can get it to work in the living room, turn on the microwave in the kitchen and it will stop working.....MEANWHILE my old-school 2010 clunker is plugging away showing me great pictures of my son playing with his stuffed animals in his bed....It seems in my professional opinion that you opted to go with a "fancier" design and gave up on "quality" of the service your product is suppose to give. In my opinion that was a very very bad move.

So, to sum up, Summers....as a Mom when I order a baby monitor I care very little ( within reason) to design and sleekness, and I care a LOT about quality of picture ( since I AM ordering a video monitor from you, after all)...I did not order an iphone from you, I ordered a VIDEO MONITOR so I'll forgive you on design if you just give me practical usability. I'm very disappointed and I'm also living in horror that I've been recommending this product to people over the last year or so when the new model was all that was available and people were BUYING it on my recommendation only to have a sub-par product.  Sorry other new Moms...I'll make it up to you by recommending other things that actually ARE worth getting.

Love, Abigail

Never say never

Never ever make a vow. Or say anything that begins with "This is the last time..."  Or " I'll never..." Because that will NOT work out for you, for INSTANCE:

Lets say after four months of doctors and hospitals and myself and my daughter were free to go, I said one or both...but then, we came home to Georgia and before I had even ENTERED THE HOUSE....I reached my hand into our mail box and was ATTACKED by a BAT!!! Which may or may not have bitten me ( apparently they have very tiny teeth...but are also very dangerous so you have to get the Rabies shot "just in case")

Sooooooo, on my very first day in my home after months and months, I spent the morning in the ER getting 6 shots, which PS was bad, but not as bad as having a baby which I'd done the week before so I was able to compare.....ANYWAYS, I still had a pretty good attitude, I mean there is some humor in getting bit by a bat (?) ...and so I maaaaay have said one of those above sweeping statements about the ER and headed home.....

Only to have to return a few hours later when I got a super high fever and thought I was dying. Turns out it was a UTI. Random. But it may or may not have been caused by all those shots....that has yet to be confirmed....but wait... THERE IS MORE.
So, I have to have FOUR follow up doses of rabies shots, which took me back to the hospital several more times,  and one EXTRA time because for one of my shots the clinic said it would be open but it wasn't so I had to come back the next day...which was awesome, because its super easy for Brett to get away from work to watch our kids!
However, the last dose was on Tuesday and I as I left I let out a huge sigh of relief and thought those dangerous words once more..."THIS HAD TO BE THE LAST TIME, RIGHT?!"

 But THEN right after my last dose I got a SUPER HIGH FEVER AGAIN!!!
Which brings us to yesterday where I thought I would die while taking Tabitha to a planned doctors appointment ( her doctor was so concerned he gave me three Motrin before he would let me leave)...so luckily Brett was able to watch the kids while I went to the hospital clinic and get diagnosed with....Mastitis! Yay!! Another totally awesome thing to have!!

But as I left, I thought YET AGAIN: "Surely this is the last time I will have to be here!!"

But no, tonight, when I was taking my medicine for the mastitis I noticed I was not given the right amount of pills to complete the series... Which means....YUP, you guessed it! Tomorrow I 'll be headed back to the hospital pharmacy to get my prescription sorted out.
But one thing I know for certain, when I leave there tomorrow, I will turn and mentally tell the hospital that I will see it tomorrow...because I've learned my lesson....with me, it's never over.

Edit: oh, and I wrote this whole post and published it and then remembered that in the middle of all that drama I also had the one piece of dental work in my head BREAK OFF so I should also mention I went to the dentist twice.... And who doesn't love THAT?!

A mother of two...

Today Tabitha is 3 weeks old and two days, and I will have my very first day of parenting two children by myself.
I'm glad the day will have finally arrive. It's been hanging over me for much longer than Tabitha has been alive- the fear of being outnumbered by little people...
However, I received a double jogging stroller as a gift ( what amazingly generous friends I have!!) and I now I feel like if worse comes to worse I'll pile both of them into the stroller and we'll walk until my legs fall off or their lungs fall out... Which ever comes first.
So, speaking of my most generous gift... It was not the only one I received! This weekend I was given the sweetest shower for Tabitha, and honestly once again I was overcome by the generosity of others... I kept thinking things like... " this is my second baby! Second babies don't get showers!" But I was SO blessed by the love of my sweet friends and just being able to look around the room at women who I'd so missed living day to day life with over the last four or five months, reminded me again of the larger community that got us through our trial. We were never alone, The Lord really did provide such Help in time of need... So how can I doubt that He can't get me through today on four hours of sleep? ?! Truly minor in comparison. Hehe

Not about babies... Mostly

Today Tabitha is two weeks old. It seems like a lot longer than that. Mostly because I just read in psalms that The Lord "gives sleep to his beloved" and maaaaaan is that a good gift that I'm not receiving right now ;-)

Anyway, when you have a newborn it's hard to think past the next feeding and more importantly the next time you're going to get some sleep. However, there is something else pretty big going on in the Wilson household and I'm pretty excited to tell you the story....

So, this story starts a while ago. Over a year ago. Maybe 2....when Brett went on a prayer walk to seek God about what we should be doing. If I remember correctly Brett was asking more for confirmation regarding what we were already doing, but as it usually is with God, He said what HE wanted to say... And that was regarding the story of Elijah and Elisha and long story short Brett felt like God was telling him that we should follow our friend's Chuck and Deb Wood in their ministry, helping them in their work.
Brett came home and told me. And we discussed what that would probably mean for our future plans....Well, we thought, this must mean we'll be staying in Georgia because that was the Woods' home base, their house was here, Deb's parents were here.... So, I made my peace with more
Georgia in my future ( not my fav)... But not long afterwards we had the Woods over for dinner and Brett told them what God had told him. ( it's kind of awkward to tell someone that God told you to stalk them around, but Chuck and Deb took it well...) and then they told US something equally crazy. The same week God told Brett to follow Chuck wherever he went, God told Chuck to go to San Antonio, Tx. An equally "crazy" request in worldly terms. They were told to get rid of all their possessions, and head to Texas to start from scratch, reaching the city of San Antonio for Jesus.
And so all of a sudden the whole "follow wherever" thing had much more meaning for us!
I must admit I was excited... It was almost like as they said it, my heart said, "of course! THAT'S where we are suppose to go!"

But "going" friends, is much harder than one might think. Especially if you're relying on the Army to send you where you want to go, or more specifically if you want to go to a primarily medical military post and you're an infantry officer. There are just not many jobs there for you! However, we still had all of company command to get through here in Georgia and so our future plans had to take a back burner for a while. But, as we discussed it we realized that if the time came and we weren't offered a job through the Army in SA, then the only thing to do was to get out of the Army and go at it as civilians.

( this was super super scary to me! In so many ways I love the Army and I did not think it was time to leave it... But I tried as best I could to prepare myself for the inevitable...

Then things happened that I never ever expected, we got pregnant. With twins. They were sick... And off to Houston Texas we went..... And during that time Brett gave up his Command early so he could better focus on our family, and we were then faced with the whole " what to do next" thing.
The time had come. San Antonio was calling and normally I would have been FREAKING OUT waiting to see if the Army had a job for Brett there... And I would have spent my time not freaking out looking for civilian jobs for Brett online because, honestly how could we really get one of the few jobs available for an infantry officer there?!
But instead my mind was focused on a little baby, one who still needed medical attention, who we were still trying to keep inside of me...
And you know what? Brett got a job in San Antonio... Without my freakouts and without my needless job searching...there's a lesson there somewhere for a overly obsessive control freak... hmmmm

And, strangely, it may have been largely due to the fact that Tabitha might need extra love and care and where better to get it than the army medical hub? And the Army took that into consideration when making their decisions.
And so, in the end all things did in fact work together to take us exactly where we needed to go.
Did I mention we're probably moving in the middle of March?! And did I mention I have a two year old and a newborn?
It's gonna be awesome around here

Number of days....

So, many of you, if we are facebook friends, know that I started a little project for Tabitha-really for all of us- a month or so ago. Basically, I got the idea while I was wiling away my time in the hospital for a month, to document each day with a picture. I then posted those pictures on instagram with a count "up" of Tabitha's life thus far ( at the time we were just mildly obsessed with her fetal age to say the least). I then decided to take those pictures and make a larger poster for Tabitha's room of all of them combined. A documentation of our journey if you will...or at least the Houston part of our journey. The part where our family was divided. The part where I was in the hospital, and at the Ronald McDonald house, the part where Tabitha was born, the part where we were loved and taken care of by so many, the part where I knitted, made new friends, watched innumerable TV shows on my iPad and ate a lot.

 Anyway, one night I started my project and I did it by making a blank image on photoshop, and I-almost haphazardly-picked a size. 18x24. I then I took each instagram picture, shrunk it to a 2x2 and using the grid function, I placed my pictures....it turned out like this:

(I think this is going to be an awesome visual way to tell various stories

 to our kids about this story in our lives, don't you think?) 

Now, you may notice something here....first of all, take note that the first picture is of Ransom on the plane on our way to Houston. A fitting beginning. You'll also notice the last picture is a picture of Ransom on the plane LEAVING Houston. You may ALSO  notice that the size did not change, and that there are no white spaces. I also did not miss a day or do multiple pictures for any day either....

That's right. My 18x24 poster was the correct size TO. THE. DAY. of when we would leave. There had been a couple of times, when I was adding my pictures that I had pondered what I would do with the blank space at the end...because I just didn't see how I'd possibly fill up the poster ( I really wanted to have the two airplane pictures as bookends.) and had come up with some options to make it aesthetically pleasing when Tabitha arrived at, say, 35 weeks...or 36....or 37....but none of this happened. And when she was finally born, and our flights were booked home, I counted my days and realized that my 18x24 poster of 2x2 pictures, aka 108 days was actually a prophetic hint of just exactly how long we would be on our journey. 

Crazy, huh? 

Epilogue

As you all know, I'm pretty introspective and blogging is one of my major forms of therapy when it comes to dealing with life. And right now I have an actual LIST of blog posts that need to be written. After Ransom was born I wrote a lot while I was nursing, and I also watched a lot of Netflix while I was nursing... And I'm sure that will come with Tabitha too... But honestly, I've spent most of my time just staring at My teeny tiny baby girl. I have done nothing much besides.
But, something happened when Tabitha was about a day old that I think describes my general feeling the last week really really well....
It's important for me to document tha feeling because we got back to Georgia last night and REAL LIFE is about to set in in a major way ( like the fact that I'm writing this in the ER because I may have been bitten by a bat last night... That's right. A bat. Welcome home!! Let the games begin!) and I really want to hold on to the marvel of the end of our journey of having our twins.
As sad as I am about Priscilla, and as much as the grief for her is still a process. The celebration of Tabitha's life is nothing short of pure joy.
When I was still in the hospital, and our many visitors had all dispersed for a few minutes- and even Brett had stepped out to run an errand. I sat holding a post-feed baby. She had nestled into my arm and I was just sitting there thanking God for her Life, when the nurses aid came in to take my blood pressure. As she did her thing she said, "It feels good in here." And I said something about how the air conditioner was on... But she replied that no, it wasnt that. She looked down at us and said, "it feels peaceful."

She was so right. After nights when I literally used up tissue boxes, after being separated as a family for four months, after a month hospital stay and 3 months in the Ronald McDonald house... We are peaceful.
And I've been feeling that peace for days. ( minus our 24 hours in the NICU.. But that's another story). I have been delighting in our little answer to prayer. And how, despite her size. It's really not that little at all.
I am now struggling with the constant need of telling EVERYONE our story, so that EVERYONE will know what God has done for us.
This is a good problem to have.

Tabitha's birth story.

It has been one week since we first experienced the miracle of Tabitha in our lives, so last night while Tabitha was enjoying her four hours of awake time from 1am to 4am- I started writing out the story of how she was born...

I've heard that every birth is unique and no two are the same, but you can't help thinking, after one child, that SURELY it can't be THAT different, all the same components are there, right?!
Wrong. If I hadn't gotten a baby at the end of each experience my mind and body would have a hard time putting the two together at all, they were THAT different!

Without further ado, how Tabitha Lorien came into this world....

It should first be noted that Tabitha WAS going to be induced on Sunday the 7th. Something I reeeeally didn't want I figured my likelihood of having a c-section went way up if I was induced and I really wanted Tabitha to come on her own terms. That being said, I spent the week of Christmas and New Years WILLING myself into having a baby. I did anything ( minus cod liver oil, because...ew) and yet Tabitha did not come. Finally I gave up and resigned myself to an induction. On Friday, Brett, Ransom and I, all went in for my very last biophysical profile ultrasound and nonstress test. Tabitha did great and I said goodbye to all the nurses who'd seen me three times a week for a month ( and tons before that...) then Brett and Ransom and I spent the day together. We ate at the Black Walnut cafe for dinner and Ransom was horribly behaved ( we're talking spanking in the bathroom bad), but we put him in the stroller after dinner and walked the block or so it takes to get to the Chocolate Bar and bought a piece of their giant chocolate cake to go. My sweet friend Melinda had brought us a piece before Christmas and it was AH-mazing ...so much so I had been wanting another piece ever since! We then headed home to the Ronald McDonald House where Ransom had to have a come to Jesus moment where we informed him he couldn't ask for "water!" Every five seconds after being put to bed. He responded with tears of repentance. (Minus the repentance part). Finally around 8:30, we ate our amazing cake and read a little bit of the book Heidi out loud ( Brett never read it as a kid, probably because Heidi was a girl and he didnt read "girl books" a MAJOR misstep if you ask me...so I've slowly been rectifying his early sexist ways now that he's an adult..) then off to bed.

Around 3:30am, I was awakened by my water breaking. Just a little bit, enough to get me out of bed to investigate and then waaaay more to confirm that, yes, that wasnt a weird dream.
I then texted my parents and my sister because I wanted them to have a head start... Then I calmly woke up Brett and told him what had happened. He then called his mom and we implemented the plan that we had argued about a few days before... The "what to do with sleeping Ransom if I go into labor in the middle of the night." I had INSISTED that Ransom did not need to be awoken and dragged to the hospital so now the question was who to watch him at 4:00am until my family arrived.... It ended up being a Ronald McDonald Mom who was (strangely) awake and playing on her iPad outside her bedroom. We prevailed upon her to watch the baby monitor till my parents arrived and off we went to the hospital. All this was done calmly and without much drama because even though my water broke I wasn't having any contractions. In fact, when I called the hospital saying I was coming in, the resident doctor was incredulous that my water had actually broken. "Well, come on in and IF your water has ACTUALLY broken.." To which I kind of laughed, because I still don't see how you'd mistake something like that... And then the doctor realized she'd been rude and tried to tell me how she'd delivered 4 babies that night or something...But, like I said, I hadn't had any contractions yet -so lucky her I wasn't super annoyed.

At the hospital we got checked into triage and I was relieved to see that Tabitha's heart was doing great and she didnt seem to be in any distress! This was good because we got a call from the lady at the Ronald McDonald house saying Ransom had woken up ( I'm guessing he'd rolled
over in his sleep and she'd jumped the gun...) so Brett went back to wait for my parents and to put Ransom back to sleep ( it was about 5am at this point).
When they checked me when I arrived at the hospital I was about 4cm-which, considering I'd been having pretty serious contractions for almost 12 hours with Ransom and I was only a 3...I was shocked! I hadn't even had any seriously painful contractions yet!
But they set me up in labor and delivery and I started feeling the contractions more and more and by the time Brett and my Mom and sister arrived around 6:30 I was definitely feeling them pretty strongly. But I was still able to talk through them and figured I still had a way to go ( once again I was comparing to my previous delivery on how much pain I had been in). But, when they checked my cervix again, I was at 7cm!! I was SHOCKED. But, definitely excited that things were moving so fast!
I also started discussing getting an epidural ( something I really wanted because, somehow the thought of delivering two babies... No matter how small Priscilla may be, just seemed easier with drugs) and I told my sister and mom that I would wait till after shift change ( it was 7am by then)...however, Anna has had a fast delivery before and she pushed it a little bit knowing that my pain level and the fastness of my contractions was steadily increasing. Boy am I glad she did!! By the time I got the epidural I think I was actually past transition ( and the doctor who did it warned me that it probably wouldn't be in full effect before I delivered!) sure enough, I was in more and more pain and the nurses were discussing bringing the doctor back in when I told them they had better check me again before doing anything. And sure enough... I was a full 10cm! I had to literally wait to push for Dr. Ruano to arrive!!! ( it was very important to me that he deliver the girls and I'm so very glad he made it!)

Once again things were sooo different from Ransom's delivery where I just had a midwife and a nurse and Brett with me, this time I had two doctors, their attending nurse, two nurses on one side of me and Brett and my mom on the other... Plus a good 8 people who were the nurses and doctors there to assess Tabitha once she was born ( believe me I did not begrudge one person in that room!!! They were all important). The other marked difference in delivery is than while I got an epidural with Ransom when I was 8cm and hadn't progressed in two hours, I had time for a full on nap before I woke up and was ready to push. With Tabitha, I got one when I was around 7cm and was pushing her out within the hour... And it had NOT taken its effect! Ring of fire indeed! It probably only took about 15 minutes all told in pushing but it felt like an eternity ( also in comparison to the two pushes that got my "giant" 8lb baby out two years before... Go figure). Anyway, I am grateful that the epidural did start to work for the afterbirth and the birth of Priscilla. I had decided I didn't want to see her knowing that seeing her on ultrasound after her passing was hard enough) , and after asking Dr.Ruano what her condition was and his advice to Brett, Brett decided the same. I am so glad she was wrapped in her special blanket I made for her and I know that she will always have our love and a major roll in the story of her sister's life as well as our own...
The longest half second in the world was the half second after Tabitha was born and she let out a cry. I think I still had so much fear wrapped up in her birth, and while it was TERRIBLY hard to have her immediately whisked to the other side of the room for assessment I was grateful we had a team of doctors there to check her over. And when we did finally get to hold her ( and it probably wasnt even that long) she opened her eyes and looked at me and Brett for longest time and we all fell in love. Tabitha, our little miracle baby born at 9:33 on 01/05/13 at 5lbs and 7 oz, 18 inches long.
When Ransom was born, and the nurse called out the time of 14:21 as time of birth, we immediately looked at each other and knew we were claiming John 14:21 as Ransom's birth verse. With Tabitha we once again found ourselves in John 9:33... Especially since the story of the blind man who is healed spoke to me during this experience. But in verse 33 the man who was no longer blind told the Pharisee's that someone who could heal someone like him must be God. In the same way we acknowledge that even a room full of doctors could not heal Tabitha's heart to the point that she does not need any of the many surgeries projected for her future. Those doctors and all their medicine could not keep her from delivering till full term, or give her a perfectly healthy uncomplicated delivery. Only someone who must be the Christ....

A new thought process

It's been a while since my last post, mostly because for a while all my thoughts were bent upon Brett and Ransom coming to be with me, and no one needs to hear a constant "ImissthemImissthemImissthem!" diatribe from me...but then, when they did arrive life has been so much less solitary that I've enjoyed the time away from the Internet....turns out I wasn't addicted to the Internet, just people...and once I had people in REAL life I needed a lot less Internet time, go figure. ;-)
That being said, I've been so incredibly blessed by all the Christmas cards, and notes and messages from all the wonderful ones out there praying for us, I can't help but want to update you!

My thoughts of late consist of me praying that Tabitha would just COME ALREADY! First, my grandmother passed away on December 16th. She had pretty severe dementia and I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is so much happier in her house The Lord prepared for her, but at the same time, her passing made me miss all the many good qualities that she had: A quick wit, a ( often hilarious to those who knew her) very big imagination, a large knowledge of scripture that she passed on to her girls, who then passed it on to their children...and well, having THAT kind of a legacy is important and worth celebrating . And it made me re-think my stance on Christmas birthdays ( her birthday was Christmas Day). But, alas, Tabitha did not come on her namesakes b-day ( Tabitha Trott's birthday is on the 24th) OR my grandmothers...and she's still in there now. And even though I half pleaded with my Doctors at my appointment yesterday to move it up, they 've stuck with an induction date of January 7th. Not the greatest date for many reasons...mostly because Brett will be going into the "hole" as far as vacation days at that point, but also because I want to Go. Home. So. Badly.
However, and I do agree with this, it really WOULD be a lot better for Tabitha if she had a natural labor, and birth and those things are just, well, better naturally...so we wait, and I walk up and down stairs and make Brett give me foot massages ( my current favorite of the natural remedies), and all other things that make one go into labor...because, like I said, I am SOOOO OVER THIS.

Yet, every time I pray for God to have her come today, I also say a prayer of thanksgiving that I'm even entertaining such thoughts!!! How glorious that my prayers for this baby have come so far that now I actually WANT her to come out! That we're dealing with normal pregnancy stuff, and besides her needing to be treated with some kid-gloves during delivery and maybe a little after, she is healthy! And she's...wait for it....officially FULL TERM! (!!!!!!!!!) All my impatience aside, I am so very thankful and blessed and I know this stories happy ending is nothing to be taken lightly. 2012 has held a huge miracle and for that I still marvel.

But for now, can we all just agree to pray that Tabitha comes soon? I'm doing my part...we're taking Ransom to the natural history museum ( it's free Thursday afternoons) after his nap today and I'll be walking until my legs fall off...