tossed

I'm trying to think what a good post for this morning would be exactly...
I've spent the time I've been awake this morning praying for various friends...and myself.

Actually, prayed for myself first! How bad is that?!
Anyway, I've gotten a lot of verses this morning that were very helpful to me- thought I'd share a little. Because, I'm continually surprised ( I shouldnt be, should I?) how interconnected we all are...

Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor is in vain
Unless the Lord watches over the city the watchmens guard is in vain.
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat-for He grants sleep to those He loves Ps.127:1-2

I've constantly been reminded as of late how totally UNcapable I am...in pretty much EVERY aspect of my life. I wouldnt say I've been totally discouraged...I've just had times of general "overwhelmedness". And I'm often very very afraid that I'll some how MESS UP the good gifts that the Lord has given me...
But, here's the thing:

"My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9

Whew! How OFTEN must I be reminded of that? I start doing what I want to do, what I think is best...it will never ever be enough, my heart is truly deceitful. But Luckily the Lord actually reviles in my weakness...He delights in it-because in it HE is exalted.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. Ps. 139:23-24

But, what a comfort...no matter how much I lie to myself...how much I ignore the Truth...no matter how much I mess...He KNOWS. He KNOWS that my true desire is to serve Him.

He will honor that.

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage and He shall strength your heart. Ps 27:4

~~

I'm totally burdened for my friends this morning, friends who are fighting it out against the difference between
"Enough" and "Exactly Right"

May God's perfect Will be done...

8:20

That's when i got home....

What a loooooong day!

But, its over. And I didnt die or anything.

My computer monitor did DIE exactly one hour before my big Annual Meeting...
and i did LOOSE the Bank Statement for the month of September ( for about twenty minutes before I stopped and prayed and God gave it to me...)

and I DID have to carry three boxes of shirts to the homecoming game and I DID sell a total of ZERO....
and I DID stand on my feet for almost three hours for pretty much NOTHING...


But, I think I sufficiently impressed everyone at the Annual meeting enough so that they'll keep me for at LEAST another month.

And, then I also came home and practically RIPED my Alumni Shirt off my body as soon as I walked in the door...and I did drop my shoes right AT the door...and I collapsed on my couch and heave a HUGE sigh of relief.


THAT'S OVER...I now plan to have a goooood weekend. ;-)

its a sin...

...to be indoors today...
its positively GORGEOUS outside...I mean GORGEOUS. The tempature is in the mid 70s...the sky is totally clear of ANY clouds.

I'm thinking about knocking a HUGE OL' HOLE in my office's back wall...and put in some windows. Wouldnt that be AWESOME?!

In other news, I've almost got forty facebook friends, how exciting ( did you see the alliteration?!) . I had no idea it would be so exciting to have "fake friends".

In fact, I'm totally about to invite all my NZ friends to join...hahaha.

( you think I'm joking...)

Friday.

Lots to do.
Lots to finish.
Lots to change.


Lots.

hard.

So, my insurance company kicked me out today....they're sending me a refund check...there is no way back. They told me that I'll have to reapply.
Whhhhy?
Because, apparently I didnt sign some form....and apparently the sent me two "warning letters"....which I dont think I ever got.
I mean, I got all that paper work about how they werent going to cover my "pre-existing" condition...but I didnt get THAT paper work.
I'm pretty sure I must have just missed placed it, or misread...or any number of other stupid stupid things.

But, to be honest, I just want to cry....

I feel....helpless.

Tomorrow is the Alumni Association's annual meeting. I'm really really stressed about this. While I know that if anything was to go wrong it wouldnt be my fault....that ultimately no one would blame me if anything DID go wrong...but I'm still...very very worried about it all.

I feel....like crying.

I miss Brett, he has been gone for four days visiting his Dad. Its totally stupid for me to miss him NOW...because, he's going to be back tomorrow-and I'll get to see him for another week. But, the point is...I missed him. For FOUR DAYS.
How's does 10 months sound? How does a year sound?!


Where is my strong tower that I can run to?!

a very bad thing...

Soo....I just did a very very ( very) bad thing....all for the sake of my job.

I realized, about a month ago, that I really NEEDED to join facebook for my job so that I could find people from Nacogdoches High School more easily...contact them more easily....

*sigh*

All in all, I knew I HAD to do it...but I also knew that I'd most probably become totally addicted to it.

So, I confess. I joined facebook today.
Keep me accountable. Make sure I dont become obsessed with it. ;-)

like the first time...

All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way;
But the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him.
Is. 53:6


Wow.

All of it....on Him

Sometimes, that kind of love just blows my little human mind.

windows wide open.

Yesterday I went home from work and watched like four straight episodes of Grey's Anatomy. Yes, I realize I deal with stress well. Denial is a beautiful thing.

I have a mosquito bite on my hand...right on that little place between your thumb and first finger...its driving me slowly insane. How did that even HAPPEN!? It must have been when I was asleep last night.

Which, I must say, I am LOOOOVING sleeping with my window's open ( though I'm thinking the screens arent keeping the bugs out like they should). It really makes all the difference in the world to good sleeping action.

Anna and I had a nice little sisterly-reunion last night...we probably hadnt hung out properly in days, which is SHOCKING for our little systems. ;-)
Anna has found quite the gem of a book which we spent a goodly amount of time pouring over and laughing till we had tears in our eyes...

One Special Summer is the handwritten/handdrawn account of Jackie and Lee Bouvier ( Jackie grew up to be the First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy)'s first trip to Europe together at the age of 18 and 20 respectively....its fascinating because not only are they hilarious, but so very very normal. I kept thinking what they would both grow up and become and it kinda blows your mind.
Incidently, I am once again positive that with our powers combined Anna and I really SHOULD be some sort of creative powerhouse. The fact that we waste all of our powers on each other in the privacy of our homes...laughing till we cry...well that's a personal decision that we've chosen.
If you're in a bookstore and you have a chance to flip through this book...its a gem.

fascinating...

So, today was "blast from the past" dress-up day ( or something equally lamely titled) at the High School. Actually, every day this week is a different dressup day- I suppose its all in preparation for Homecoming on Friday night ( woo.). And somehow dressing up in costumes gives everyone the added boost they need.
whatever.

But, whatever the reason, I was thinking about how times have changed- If I remember correctly, when *i* was in highschool...the cool kids all dressed up in clothes from the 70s. I mean, you just werent cool unless you were a hippie. But, nooooow...noooooow its pretty much the 80s. the eighties are everywhere ( expect for the adorable girl dressed up in the flapper dress from the 20s, and the "totally cool" guys who dressed up like disciples .

I hate the eighties.


Why are we bringing them back into fashion?!

Honestly. NOOO GOOOOOD.

But, all this talk about high school reminds me of something else....apparently I've blocked out WAAAAY more of high school than I thought. Seriously, its kinda freaking me out that I've forgotten so much of it. Of course, is it really good to torture ones self with all the really lame things that you did and said?!
No, probably not.

Which is why I tend to forget....

But I DOOOOO remember dressing up like a clown in the eighth grade ( 13-14yearsold) for no apparent reason except that "I was having a bad day". I bet you didnt know THAT about me, did you?!

my black sweater...

I couldnt find it this morning...where is it?!

I really want it right about now. I've got a chill.

...

There are any number of things that I could write about today...any number of things on my mind.

1.For instance, I really should be stressed about Friday, which is when our big "Annual Meeting" is held...there are all sorts of things I probably should have finished and looking fabulous-but they're not. And I'm stressed to the point of not doing much..which is, you know, bad.

2.I should also continue to be semi-worried about my health...I mean, how long can a person HAVE chronic-pain without anyone telling them a legitimate answer? Apparently a long time. I'm just waiting around for my doctor's appointment on the 12th of October. And you wanna know the truth? I'm pretty much CERTAIN I'm not going to get anymore answers there...is it bad that I'm so negative about this?

3. Last week I gave up my "singleness status". The results have been...interesting. hahaha! And I mean, interesting in a good way. But, things like how one POSTS about such things has still alluded me...actually, lots and lots of things have alluded me( once again, no one sent me the instruction manual on how to do this..and I'm pretty ticked that it got lost in the mail like that.). But, the semi-surprising thing is that I'm only SLIGHTLY worried that I dont know what I'm doing...only slightly.

perfect timing...

...isnt my forte. Which is why Amy is going to get her Birthday card late. But the REASON its going to be late is because its taken me a long while to get this picture copied...




I knew she really really needed a copy of this picture...circa 1998...because she would instantly feel not only PRIDE ( because we were obviously the coolest girls ever in highschool) but also RELIEF ( that yes, it was just a phase we went through...) and then DELIGHT ( in knowing that life is a million times better now) but hopefully she'll also be glad that she and I are still friends ( though we take much sexier pictures now)....because I know that *I'm* happy we're still going strong.


Of course, now Amy will get to see the picture on her actual Birthday ( which is tomorrow by the way)...instead of waiting for the United States Postal Service ( and me) to get our acts together...and the rest of you get to share in the experience-dont you just looove the internet?!

Oh, and for those of you who arent familiar with Homecoming Mums...they are traditionally given to girls at the Homecoming Football game by their date. They are usually huge...and annoying...and ugly....Of course, Meredith, Amy and I were waaaay too cool to have dates to such an organized social event. And therefore we created the Anti-Mum...complete with toliet paper, trashbags the insides of a stuff bear ( who we riped apart) and...of course a healthy dose of cynicism.

And yes...my jeans ARE tapered....my shirt IS tucked in...and I DO have a sweater doing nothing around my middle...yes, thanks for asking.

It was beautiful...

I tried to post last night...since it had been WAY too long ( for me anyway). But I kept getting through the first sentence and then it would die....

It was for the best.

I had a minor freakout last night. It had probably been building for most of the day, but it inevitably waited for me to get really nice and tired ( i.e. defenses down) to really rear its ugly head.

But, you know what ELSE showed up at the exact same time as my freakout?!

Three friends.

~She'd been dealing with a good deal of heartache the past while, and let me tell you its AWFUL to feel a friends heartache and not be able to do anything but pray...and then the weekend came and Sunday came....and most importantly Peace came. As she told me what God was doing in her life...I saw more than just her words, I saw more than that...she's pretty much engulfed in God's Help at the moment...and its beautiful.

~She's a planner, she's beyond responsible, she's super good at playing it "safe". But, then God tells her to do something totally new....and not just THAT...He tells her to change almost everything-starting with her church...now its her living situation, her professional plans. She's basically standing on the penicle waiting to take a big LEAP. I would be lying to say that she isnt a little bit scared. But, really, what is so amazing is that she isnt THAT scared....because even as she talks about her worries, you can still see it...she's pretty much engulfed in God's plan at the moment...and its beautiful.

~I'd been there two years ago ( has it been that long? Maybe longer)..she had been in the midst of it then...the tears, the victories, the frustrations. I pretty much had NO IDEA what she was going through-but I could listen, and give some God perspective every so often...and I could pray. And who knew it would bring us to now...a totally different ending that we'd expected. But, the ending was just the beginning. The Beginning is what I saw last night. The beginning of something much much great, but the best part is that even with the Newness...I saw how those prayers and tears of two years ago had been really really important....for about two seconds I saw the puzzle pieces....I saw how they all fit together for Good....and my!....it was beautiful.


I was reminded of the Bebo Norman's song "Borrow Mine"...last night I had to borrow the excitment and the beauty I saw in these lives...but today, as I write about it...I know...I know that its not just borrowed. It's mine too.

It'll be beautiful too.

A very large-multi-national-village

Ok, I admit it...I've been NOTSOGOOD at working this week...I mean, I've WORKED...but I wouldnt say it was ABOVE and/or BEYOND the call of duty. But, I'm not going to take credit...I blame other people for my total lack of work dedication.
So, at least I dont have to beat myself up about it ;-)

So, just now, while reading my emails I was reminded of something that I've thought about several times in the past few days. Apparently it takes a grand ol' village to raise this particular child ( me). And this is why God felt it was necessary to give me seven bestest friends.
Yes.
Seven.
I know, I couldnt particularly believe it either...but its true. And later, I was like...weeeelllll...maybe that's extreme maybe I should mentally cut some people out of the priority chain. Nope. Not possible.
And, like I said, reading my emails totally confirmed what I had already known was true....they're all different. And all equally important.
For instance, you tell these seven people the same piece of news-and you're bound to get seven totally different responses.
Its fascinating.
And completely helpful. Its like you have fourteen extra eyes...
And seven people that you KNOW are praying for you-even when they dont know what they're praying about ( exactly).... So that's nice.

In other news, I was all strung out on drugs last night...stupid pain. What the heck is wrrrrrooooooonnnnnnnggggggg with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

In other news its almost the weekend. Which...you know....is fabulous. :-)

whoa.

Ambiguous.

I realize this...but let me just say THIS about THAT: Sometimes you're sitting there, and something you should REALLY be focusing on TOTALLY is happening... but instead you're thinking...I really wish I could remember this moment EXACTLY. Or at least how it FEELS because that would be nice to be able to remember...
like, forever.

I could totally use a nap.

Like, right now....

I dont think anyone would notice if I just went home ...ooooor....even better, I could just go to sleep here at my desk...wait. Unfortunately, people would be able to see me through the window.


As, you can see I have nothing remotely profound to say today. Nothing.

I did watch a goodly number of episodes of Gilmore Girls last night (whilest I was doing many many other more important tasks), and its come to my attention that Anna and I really ARE just that funny. It takes practice. But, I think we've really achieved that "playing off of each others banter" rather well. So, I feel like they'll be calling us for a reality show really soon.

"february 12th 2005"

I bet you won't believe this...but its true, I remember just about everything I've written...I remember things I've written in my "handwritten journals" years and years before and can spend hours finding it...I also remember just about everything I've ever written on my blog-luckily there is a much faster way to search this one....( internet searches! woo!)

So, this morning I woke up at 7am...and couldnt go back to sleep...my stomach was in knots. I was stressed beyond belief. Ahhh but, I've been stressed enough in my day to know "normal" stress from "spiritual" stress... ( this was the later) so got out of bed...curled up on my couch and tried to deal with it.

I think the breakthrough came with this song...which I had posted on my blog back in February of 2005...

At that time I was dealing with a whole OTHER set of problems...I was doubting decisions that I had made...not that I thought they were WRONG per say...more that I couldnt believe ANYTHING that God wanted me to do would make me THAT unhappy ( I was fighting homesickness for New Zealand pretty much every moment of every day) turns out it took a tad longer than "presto! you're fine!" to get on the path that God had for me...it also turns out that I learned MORE about God during that time, than...well lets just say, I wouldnt exchange it for anything!


Will I believe You when You say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

I will walk by faith even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares your will for me

Help me to rid my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

I will walk by faith even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares your will for me

Well I'm broken but I still see your face
Well You've spoken
Pouring your words of grace

I will walk by faith even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares your will for me


Thing are different now...different challenges are facing me, a new set of lifechanging decisions ( arent they always?). But that same fear has gripped my heart. Oh, how I hate this fear! How I hate self doubt. But is it really self doubt or am I doubting the Lord that holds me in the palm of His hand?!

Oh, increase my faith, Oh Lord...that I might live a life that is Worthy.

the smell...

Its totally parable worthy...

There was something NOT COOL "living" in one of my kitchen drawers....honestly, it was making my WHOLE apartment smell, which makes sense since i have lived here for a MONTH...and its probably lived there a LOT longer than THAT....but, anyway, I got ride of the source of the smell..and I've opened the window in the kitchen...I've even stuck a fan right up against the window to encourage the 'bad air to move out'....but you know, I STILL feel like my apartment smells bad...the smell is probably sticking to things....and it will be a few days before its totally and completely gone. ( meeeh! how awful!!!)

I feel like sometimes when we do Spiritual housecleaning in our lives we really expect an IMMEDIATE difference...and yes, there definitely IS ( I mean, the smell is far less offensive)...but I think we often forget about the importance of the 'airing out' and the 'cleaning products' and all the other things we must do BESIDES just do the "getting rid" of the problem.

Ah, the important of daily maintance in my relationship with Christ!

As I write this I am reminded of an email I got this past weekend, which turns the analogy in another direction...and I will pause to pull it up for you and do some quoting...

When you have to turn to God, just to make yourself get up in the morning, then you know, deep down really know, how important God is in your life. When my life is running smoothly, when I think I have everything under control, that is when my quiet times start to slip, that is when God starts to slide to the sidelines. Sure I talk to him and tell him about my day, but I don't sit on the floor praying with all my heart that He will help me, because I can't do it by myself. Loving God with all our body, mind, soul and strength, is not something that comes out of the sunny days.
God always equips us with what we need to face things, when we need it. He trains us up, perfecting us day after day after day. What if God needed to prepare us for something that is coming? What if we needed to pick up our game for something ahead? He needs to train us, to build up our spiritual muscles. Adversity in whatever form is how you do this.

I loved this! And it gave me a different perspective of my current pain...and it also gave me a new perspective on some of my dear friends situations that THEY are facing at the moment...the hard stuff...the smelly stuff...its driving us to pull out the ultra cleaning products, to open up our windows....to REALLY start taking account of our Lives...to Seek that which will truly make us Clean.

Why it WILL be a good day...

I know that its Monday morning and all...but there is just SOMETHING about a nights sleep where you hear rain beating down on the roof throughout the night that just makes SLEEP sooooo gooooood.

And then, when you wake up, you're standing at the Java Jack's counter...and you pause...and you think, "I'm totally getting a 16 oz. instead of a 12 oz. latte this morning"...and then, you talk about world events with your father until you have to go to work...and you get to work and you think, "Wow. I've got a lot to do today...but its TOTALLY doable."

And then you read Morning and Evening that was sent to your email:

We should follow our Lord as unhesitatingly as sheep follow their shepherd, for He has a right to lead us wherever He pleases. We are not our own, we are bought with a price-let us recognize the rights of the redeeming blood. The soldier follows his captain, the servant obeys his master, much more must we follow our Redeemer, to whom we are a purchased possession. We are not true to our profession of being Christians, if we question the bidding of our Leader and Commander. Submission is our duty, cavilling is our folly. Often might our Lord say to us as to Peter, "What is that to thee? Follow thou Me." Wherever Jesus may lead us, He goes before us. If we know not where we go, we know with whom we go. With such a companion, who will dread the perils of the road? The journey may be long, but His everlasting arms will carry us to the end. The presence of Jesus is the assurance of eternal salvation, because He lives, we shall live also. We should follow Christ in simplicity and faith, because the paths in which He leads us all end in glory and immortality. It is true they may not be smooth paths-they may be covered with sharp flinty trials, but they lead to the "city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God." "All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth unto such as keep His covenant." Let us put full trust in our Leader, since we know that, come prosperity or adversity, sickness or health, popularity or contempt, His purpose shall be worked out, and that purpose shall be pure, unmingled good to every heir of mercy. We shall find it sweet to go up the bleak side of the hill with Christ; and when rain and snow blow into our faces, His dear love will make us far more blest than those who sit at home and warm their hands at the world's fire. To the top of Amana, to the dens of lions, or to the hills of leopards, we will follow our Beloved. Precious Jesus, draw us, and we will run after Thee.


( I was only going to quote part of that...but then, I was, like, ummm noooooo, the whole thing is CRAZY good!! Everyone deserves to read the whole thing!)


Well, when you put all those good factors together-today honestly cant be bad!

I totally feel goodwill towards men today :-)

say that again?

So, tonight at prayer meeting I had a verse going over and over in my head...didnt really know how it applied to the other stuff I was getting from God so I kinda just forgot about it...
but then....

I just read my Daily Light for this evening and the first verse, the one in bold print at the top....well, there it was again:

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy come in the morning." Ps 30:5

So, I suppose I need to stop and take note:

"a" night...I've always said "the" night...but I kinda like "a" better....."the" has connotations of the "big picture" kinda night...like this time on earth, THATS "theNight"....but "a night" ....well, that implies a season.

And we have more than one of those...

So many seasons....so many nights. But, than again, so many mornings.
I am encouraged tonight, that we are promised this...we are promised not just NIGHTS ( the lesson of "inevitible nights" is a pretty quick one for most Christians)..but we are promised MORNINGS too!
Oh that the Lord woud send us a Morning!


~~

Oh to taste and see that the Lord, He is good blessed is he who takes refuge in Him....


My life now is all about realizing how LITTLE I know...How LITTLE I am capable of....and yet, my life is also all about realizing how MUCH the Lord is capable of...and how VERY invovled He is in my life...my very breath. That's a good balance.

~~

I woke up this morning thinking about my girl friends...the Lord has blessed me abundantly with friends from Heaven....I am continually thankful.

Its just a phase...

I just know that in a matter of weeks I will be tired of you.
I will no longer have the craving for you.
I will no longer look for you in the store...I will no longer look at you longingly...

...

But for NOW...for NOW, I have a thing for Triscuits

Especially the Rosemary and Olive Oil...which the store was out of...so I had to get the Roasted Garlic instead...which, you know, isnt a big deal because I like garlic too....who cares if I have garlic breath? I dont plan on really talking to anyone tonight...

So, for the moment, give me a chunk of cheese and some triscuits and I am a totally happy and fulfilled women.

Easy to please....until, of course, I get tired of the Triscuits...and I must transfer my love somewhere else....

Lazy Saturday

What I've done...

-Re-connected with my Brooke Fraser CD....what ever happened to Brooke? I forgot how great this CD really is...

-Laid in bed for two extra hours....reading the paper...and staring at the ceiling. And if you knew how small the Daily Sentinel is on a Saturday, you'd realize just how much staring I did.

-Had lunchslashbreakfast with one of my Bible Study Chickas.....consequently I never want to eat again.

-Scrubbed my bathroom floor until one of my fingers started to peel....honestly....the dude that lived here before never cleaned....But, feel free to lay on my Bathroom floor now...because its beyond clean now.

What I will do....

-Pick all the clothes off my floor and the chairs around my house....

-Do laundry.

-Go to Java Jacks, read my Premiere magazine and drink a Latte....

the OTHER cycle...

I'm not even talking about being a girl here...because honestly, that's a WHOLE NOTHER kettle of fish...and honestly, its not HALF as bad as THIS.

I'm in pain most of the time, off and on...but the 1st and the 15th of every month are a LOT worse...

Tell me what the heck is WRONG?!

I got my results back from my ultrasound...everything is normal.

Umm? reeeally? are you serious? because, I PROMISE something is wrong.

I think I'm going crazy....

But, on a more positive note. I'm wearing the most comfortable jeans today. Ever. When I got out of bed this morning...I was like, I HAVE to be at least DRESSED comfortable...or I CANNOT GET THROUGH TODAY.
But, I'm wearing heals...and chandelier earrings...so, you know, I look more "professional". ;-) I hope I fool someone...hehehe


Yesterday, I went home at 3:30...and sat on my couch for the next six hours. SIX HOURS....I just couldnt move...I was like, "uuuuuuggggggggg"...but actually it wasnt so bad. I chatted online, talked on the phone, watched Lost....it was quite the evening really. And the pain meds just made it more interesting.
Then I went to bed at 9pm.

Rock. On.

I dont know if I can actually pray any harder for the pain to go away. But, I'm going to try.

Steve preached on Paul's "thorn in his side" on Wednesday night...It didnt take ANY stretch of the imagination for me to try to put myself if "Paul's shoes"...but at the same time, I'm not Paul...I'm not rocking all over the mediterranian spreading the Gospel. I'm ALREADY weak...I dont feel like I need something ELSE to "keep me in my place"...

*sigh*

Weekend cometh....my couch calleth.

comfort.

This I know....

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

The Lord is the author of our Faith...but not just that, He is the author of Love...and of Comfort...and of all that which we could possibly need.

That is actually my comfort tonight-because I fall short in all these areas...

aw shucks!

You guys were sweet with your comments on my article...honestly, I posted it purely for the entertainment value ( as in, can you believe they print that and call it NEWS?!) -and I kinda feel guilty I got so many self-esteem building comments from it. hehehe...you make a girl feel down right puuurdy! ;-)

In other news, I've been having a little trouble with pain today-which makes me less inclined to work particularly hard. Its a struggle for sure! But, on the other hand...I've been having DEAD-END type issues with my website designing...but last night you wont believe what I decided to do about it...
I actually PRAYED for help!

Imagine THAT?!

And did it WORK?!

But, of course! I hadnt been working for 10 minutes this morning before I'd figured out one of my most annoying problems!

What's shocking is NOT that God answers prayers like that...but that I so often forget to PRAY for things like that.

Seriously, when will I learn?!
There is nothing too big or too small...

My time is in Thy hands...

its the little things..

I dont think people understand HOW hot Texas gets in the summer...but a drop in tempature has made the WORLD of difference to me the past few days. I am positively DELIGHTED when I leave the house in the morning...and drinking my coffee does not make me break out into a sweat.


Fabulous.

my inside joke of the week...

( if you want to actually READ it...well, I couldnt seem to post a larger version on my blog...so sorry, outta luck...let's just say, I quoted myself...)

community

...so...I didnt blog for a day or so. Which isnt very long.
Not long at all actually.

But it was for me ;-)

For whatever reason I am back to posting a little earlier than I thought I would ( I was going for this weekend...hahaha). And its mostly because of my blogger friends...I'm talking the ones who actually blog themselves, not just all you dear ones who read ( I love you too!)...Carmi, Bing and then Sam all said things I was really interested in... for various reasons...and I was thinking about how I loooove them and I love the interesting discussions we use to get into and then I realized...we still do-its just in a different form!

So I'm back.

And I'm going to go back in time...all the way to Monday evening....which possibly defeats the purpose of not posting that day-but I guess not because ultimately I realize my posts arent always the result of spur of the moment venting-they can actually mean MORE than that. And maybe, that's what this "little break" was about...finding the difference.

OK, so anyway, Monday evening I made a really striking discovery about myself:
I'm NOT a nice person. ( oooh sure...that's not new information-but sometimes it hits you really SMACK in the face and then it FEELS new.)

Let me back up and explain: I would generally say I'm a "loving" person. I like people a whole lot. I like new people, I'm generally fascinated by mankind in the broadest of senses of the word.

So, when I think about "loving others" in the Godly sense...I'm like- "sweet, I've got that one covered!"

But, then I'm given Testers.

Testers are the hardest sort of people, they spend a tremendous amount of their time "testing how far they can go" before you'll break and NOT be loving anymore.

Turns out...I didnt get very far.
So, back to Monday night-I was praying before Bible Study...for all the girls that were coming-and a little part of a verse struck me. " His good and perfect will" ...

I was like, "Huh...that's good...I definitely want THAT for Bible Study tonight-let me look it up..."

*pause*

Maybe my Bible Wiz readers already KNOW what passage I was being taken to...but I was a tad behind-but it didnt take me LONG after reading Roman's 12to catch up and realize
that I was greatly in need of some Spiritual Help.

Why?

Because there was NO WAY that I could in ANY earthly sense...do what was being asked of me in that Chapter.

I so often get into a little rut of doing "good things" in my own strength..and that will only take me so far. It will take me to last week...when I didnt answer my cell phone for DAYS ( where was my "ministering spirit" then?) and when I was annoyed to find people in my house while I wasnt there ( wasnt that one of the things I wanted to have about my home? That others feel welcome NO MATTER what?!) ...Yes, I realized my goodwill had a limit.

And I decided on Monday that I wasnt satisfied with My limit...my limit is only loving to loveable people.

And, well, that's not good enough.

blogger break...

Now you have time to catch up ;-)

See you in a few days...

And this is why...

Honestly, there is NONE like the Lord! There is no friend, no lover, no one who can possibly compare...for I sat down with nothing and I was given THIS in my Bible readings tonight... Nothing can compare to the Lord, for His voice is Beautiful, His words, words of comfort.


Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. Is 40:31

When I am weak then I am strong. II Cor 12:10

My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Is 49:5

Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. II Cor 12:

Cast your burden on the Lord and He shall sustain you. Ps. 55:22

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord." Is 55: 8

If I have to boast, I will boast of what pertains to my weakness. II Cor 11:30


( And suuuuure, I posted like an hour ago...but that was pre-quiet time...I should always wait until after-but then you wouldnt know the difference a moment with the King can make!)

the instructions werent included.

I wish I could some how discribe this experience of pain better....its become such an intense part of my life at the moment-and I dont feel like I'm discribing it well at all...

What amazes me the most is just how far one can really go.....so often I've reached the end of my rope only to find a little more hanging down below.

"Trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord, we have an everlasting Rock." ~ Is 26:4

Forever.

That's a long time.

Forever covers a lot of ground...it covers good and it covers bad, it covers easy and hard...it passes over seasons and just keeps right on going. To trust in the Lord forever just ignores all the possible little hangups of unbelief that I might come upon...its just pushes on through and says that none of that has any bearing here. Instead just TRUST.

I've talked about this "season" of life that I'm in at the moment-but, did I mention how SCARY it is?! Because it IS...and I actually kinda marvel that I'm actually not AS scared-because we're talking all those things I thought about when I was kid but just assumed that when I got to them I would have also been given the "Adult handbook of wisdom" that would have all the steps in how to face such things.....well, I feel like I'm fastly approaching a WHOLE lot of those things...but

Someone forgot to send me the handbook. I have NO definitions. I have no instructions.

Instead, that verse struck me this morning, when it was read in church, I felt much much better....I dont have the trusting thing down pat just yet...but that's actually the POINT. This whole SEASON is about trusting....trusting without any idea of WHYS...or WHENS...or WHATFORS....all I've got is this Rock on which to stand...

Why cant we all be friends??

A while back Carmi and her friends in Auckland took a road trip to Wellington...so they made mixed CDs of the music that discribed their "musical lives"...so, anyway, many weeks later I was in Auckland visiting her-and I let her borrow a book that *I* had borrowed and so in exchange for taking the book-she sent her 10 life songs CD home with me instead...

I kind of have this dream that we'd ALL be better friends if we did this little activity and made a list ( even better, make a CD!) of the songs that best discribe the journey of this life so far.. Paul has since joined in on this delightful game and I hope the rest of you will do the same!


My life as described in 10 songs, oh...and they actually arent in any particular order exactly...its just kinda how it happened...:

1. 1983- John Mayer: First of all this song HAS to be on my list just because I was BORN in 1983. ( I KNOW! Perfect!) But, also, because my “discovering” John Mayer my senior year in high school “before he hit it big” and going to his concert standing leaning up against the stage for 15 dollars…pretty much two weeks before he hit number one…..well, it was pretty much the beginning of realizing that I was actually GOOD at picking what will be popular in six months….and also, realizing that I didn’t CARE what would be popular-but instead listen to music that makes me happy…

2. Shout to the Lord-Breakaway Ministries: This song really marks the beginning of my PERSONAL relationship with God…it kind of appeared on my scene ( 1999-2001) about the same time as sorting out all the peer pressure and church stuff that anyone who’s brought up in a Christian home HAS to go through in order to stand alone in their faith ( or at least that’s how it was for me.)

3. Stuck in a Moment-U2: Any good list has to have a U2 song on it…just because I loooove U2 ( one of my life goals is to go to a U2 concert…) and this song is my FAVORITE favorite….and its pretty fitting for me, because we ALL know I tend to “dwell” on stuff.

4. Constellations-Jack Johnson: Ultimately this song HAD to be on my top ten list, just because I have this delight in the stars…always have…I am pretty sure I always will…one of the things that really solidified the fact that I would never be a “city girl”-I have to have stars.
Also, Jack Johnson is one of my musical heroes…he lives on the beach for heavensakes!

5. Lift up your eyes-Planetshakers: This song will ALWAYS be a special song for me, because It was playing the night that I heard God say as clearly as he was standing right next to me, “I just revealed myself to Thida”…so of course, I turned and looked at Thida and she was bawling her eyes out….it was one of the most awesome examples of the power of God I’ve ever witnessed It goes in my top ten life events…so of course, the song has to be there too-the song pretty much expresses the moment too, incidentally. God is in the details ;-)

6. For unto Us ( a child is born)-Handel: The whole Messiah pretty much does it for me…but this is one of my favorites. But here are all the reason’s why SOMETHING from the Messiah had to be in my top ten: I went to the Community Recital of Handel’s Messiah for my birthday for about 7 years straight. I’d dress up and go with my parents-and eat lifesavers during the whole thing…I felt SO grown up! Also, My father played it on Sunday morning for years and years-Handel mixed with Bach…that and pancakes-that WAS Sunday mornings as a child. ANNNND to continue the tradition- *I * then played the Messiah at TOP VOLUME whilest getting ready for church Sunday mornings when I lived at Carrington-I found great satisfaction in bothering my hung over residents who had kept me up the night before. ( besides, the messiah must be played at top volume).

7. Leaving on a Jet Plane-Bjork : I have since lost this particular version of “Leaving on a Jet Plane” and cant find it anywhere…I’d like it back if you know where I can get it…annnnyway, this song-whatever version-should be on my list…because travel is PART of me…whether I travel another day in my life or not…it will forever define a part of who I am. This version is important because I did listen to it as I boarded my flight to New Zealand in LA…the very first time. New Zealand changed my life forever. This song was the soundtrack to that change-however cheesy that is!

8. My Hope-Hillsong: At the very very beginning of the hardest season of my life ( to date, that is) God spoke to me through this song…it would end up defining that time in my life where EVERYTHING went against my desires, my dreams…my very hopes…but ultimately the decision was made: my hope would BE in the name of the Lord. ( Also, there had to be a Hillsong song on my top ten…it’s a quiet time staple these days).

9. Breakaway-Kelly Clarkson: Look, there is no need to bash me for having a Kelly Clarkson song on my top ten! There’s a reason…and I just so happen to like her songs…This song was playing over the airplane sound system on my flight when I left New Zealand for good. That moment-getting on that plane was THE hardest thing I’ve ever physically done. I look back and I see how it could have been easier, I could have been more obedient ( in the Spiritual sense)…yet, that wasn’t the path I took-and I learned a LOT from that…

10. Lonestar-Norah Jones: A song by Norah pretty much had to be on my top ten…I loved the CD “Come away with Me” to death….I still do. I think that it’s a “night time” CD…don’t ask me why, but its best played in the late evening/night…especially in, say, a coffee house or a nice cozy pub where live music is performed. It makes me think about talking with friends for hours and hours. So, I guess that’s why I love it. I’m a night person. I adore sitting and talking for hours. I love coffee and all coffeehouse related activities. So, Norah…thanks for representing that for me in the form of music.

Social Qualms

My sister and I were born with a Social Conscious like no other. I'm just assuming we were born with it, because, I've always had it...and we pretty much ALWAYS agree on how "things should be". The frustrating thing is, it seems just about everyone else does not follow our social guidelines.

Oh, we've pretty much gotten use to it...no one need worry that they are offending us or anything...because we dont really get offended its more like we marvel at how things could be SO DIFFERENT from how they SHOULD BE ( aka. what we think they should be).

...


Anna, could be mad at me for outing her like this...I should go back and take her out of the equation. Oh well. HA!

Annnyway, the reason I bring this up is I've been thinking about how I've almost let "social connotations" almost ruin a perfectly good time. Its true. I'm infinintly worried about what others will think. Who knew that I cared so much?
( you probably knew...my blog is FULL my of eccentric ways..)

Well, I dont care what people thing about everything...but definitely CERTAIN things.

Being a girl really stinks sometimes. I have no idea how to proceed in the "proper way"....IS there a proper way? I always thought there was, but now that I'm HERE....I realize its not so cut and dry. I've always been the one giving the advice-why cant I just give MYSELF advice?

To tell you the truth I'm kinda shocked that I'm so totally clueless...I mean, I've been alive for 22 years, nine months and 17 days....that seems like plenty of time to get the "social rules for all occasions" down. Apparently, I was wrong....I have a couple of occasions left... I think its going to take a least a couple more days.

;-)

Oh.

There are times ( more than I want to admit) when I find myself "figuring everything out" before they happen...tonight was one of them.

I totally went into this evening with one mindset ( which I'm ashamed to say was, "at least it'll make a good story") and I came out of it with something TOTALLY better. I was blessed by some totally fantastic new people.

When I got in my car this is what I said to God ( God and I had been talking rather dramatically on the drive there...so much so in fact, that I had to stop myself when I got to red lights so that other drivers wouldnt think I was crazy) annnnyway, what I said to God when I got BACK in the car was...


Oh.



I was totally put in my place. I'm still not sure what I was suppose to learn exactly...but I have been humbled. significantly.

Edit: Ok, so I went back and read what I just wrote-and for some reason it seems to have a "negative" tinge to it...when really, I was humbled by how my little teeny tiny view of what God can do-well...its teeny tiny...and sometimes, I'm reminded with a night like tonight, where unlooked for grace was all around- I am SOOO glad God is in charge of my life....He writes a MUCH better story than I!

At Bible Study this past week, the girls and I talked about Eve...I had them discribe the garden of eden for me...and I shared with them, my childhood view of the garden ( it had a little stream with a bridge over it...in case you're wondering)-Anyway, I then had them go back and read the verse that discribes the garden again-and how there are HOW many rivers ( big rivers) flowing out of that garden?! So, obviously it was much much grander than any of our little imaginations could produce- It was a good reminder for me that so very often our view of the Goodness and Glory of God is seriously lacking......I think tonight was yet another example.



PS. I think the Peach Tea I was served was had caffine. So I guess I have allllll night to figure out what I was suppose to learn ;-)
blah.

blah...

This morning I woke up thirty minutes before I needed to be at work....my alarm had not gone of ( because I hadnt turned it on..funny that.)

Anyway, this was a big bummer, because I usually have coffee with papa on friday mornings...and so it totally put me in a funk that I'd missed it.

I havent been able to shake it. I mean, I know its really not a THAT big deal-but...BOOO! I just feel all out of sorts.

rinse, repeat...

Holy Fire, burn away my desire for anything that is not of you.
And is of me.
I want more of you and less of me.
Empty Me, Empty Me...


Its really late-insomnia has been a theme of this week...probably hormones more than any real worry or anything-but whatever the case. This song has been the soundtrack of my day today-sort of by accident actually. I think God speaks to me through songs a LOT. I will be drawn to a particular song-and for days I'll be playing it constantly-and then...all of a sudden it is as if my mind catches up with my Spirit-and I actually listen to the words-and I'll realize they'd been speaking to my life all along...


On this note...I am currently compiling my "10 life songs" in honor of Carmi's birthday ( its soon!)...
So all of you lovely people out there who would like to join in on this particular "get to know you" exercise...feel free to make your own list...for an example check out Carmi's list

I kid you not...

The most random/interesting thing that was said to me today:

"So, that's your uterus...where one day you'll have a baby growing."


Yup, that ultrasound technician said it as though there was NO QUESTION. It was odd. But, I also kinda believed her...which was actually MORE suprising to me....


And, also, unless otherwise informed in the next day or so, we can check yet another possibilty for my pain off the list ....

Is it wrong that I actually pray that someone will find SOMETHING wrong with me?! Because, until we find something wrong...no one will FIX it....

What are doctors FOR anyway?!

show 'n tell

I am OBSESSED with this picture, I made a little label to put at the bottom of it, last week, to hang in my office ( it was donated to us since everyone in the picture was a student at Nacogdoches High School)...but I then spent a good deal of time just starring at the picture.
I dont know what it is, but I just LOVE it.

So here it is, with the glorious title:

"October 11th, 1944-Charles Kimmey joins the Marines"

germans and 80s fashion

I slept SO HARD last night, that I spent a better part of my morning walking around in this weird kind of fog.

....

Whoa.

I think I'm going crazy, I just looked out my window as this large group of teachers coming out of the cafeteria ( I guess they were teachers, but they WERE having a meeting...so probably) Anyway, this guy walks past my window, and I think, "huh. He looks familiar. He looks like Chris..."

And then, I realize that the Chris I'm thinking of was a foreign exchange student that I went to HIGH SCHOOL with back in...ummm...2001? maybe? hahahaha!

I'm thinking it wasnt him...and I'm also really wondering why I'd even THINK of that guy, because I havent seen him in a reeeeally long time.

...

Ok, what were we talking about? Oh, right, the weirdness that is my brain this morning ( case in point). I actually had a rather LONG thought process this morning about the fashion trend that IS leggings. I actually went through the does and donts of leggings in my head, ticking off the different scenerios in which I WOULD wear them...and all of the very BAD legging fashions that are all over the place.


Honestly.

THATS what I thought about as I drove into the parking lot at work.

Today could be interesting.

tracking ones stupidity...

So, I waited all day for my father's birthday present to be delivered. It never came.
I finaly tracked the package online...and this is what it said:

Time Location Event Details
Sep 06, 2006 08:32:00 PM LUFKIN TX US Held by carrier - incorrect address
Sep 06, 2006 07:00:00 PM LUFKIN TX US Customer moved
Sep 06, 2006 06:56:00 PM NACOGDOCHES TX US Delivered
Sep 06, 2006 09:03:00 AM LUFKIN TX US Out for delivery
Sep 06, 2006 09:00:00 AM LUFKIN TX US Arrival Scan
Sep 06, 2006 07:12:00 AM HOUSTON TX US Departure Scan
Sep 06, 2006 06:11:00 AM HOUSTON TX US Arrival Scan
Sep 06, 2006 04:54:00 AM LOUISVILLE KY US Departure Scan
Sep 06, 2006 03:13:00 AM LOUISVILLE KY US Shipment picked up from seller's facility

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Wrong address? I frantically go back and look at the shipping details-and sure enough they are my parents OLD address ( we're talking they moved almost a year ago!)...how did that even get IN THERE?!

This is what is SO BAD about your computer being smarter than you...it remembers things it shouldnt remember.....like addresses that are wrong.

So, noooooow what do I do?!

I feel awful.

you.

So, I was driving home tonight around 9pm....with my windows down...listening to Frank Sinatra. It was fabulous. I could have just kept driving if I hadnt been so tired. ;-)

My father is obviously a hobbit deep down inside, because he gave ME a present today! Frank Sinatra's "best CD" In the wee small hours..
And i have to say...its pretty awesome. Apparently, it was the very first "concept" album.....and it really is that good.

Tonight, I couldnt WAIT to come home, because, well....I really like my home. Its pretty fantastic. And it got me thinking about how easy it was for me to make the transition from living with others to living. all. alone.

Lonely is an interesting concept. And the words been turning up in lots of conversations lately....
I am definitely NOT lonely at the moment, and yet there is still this underlying push towards companionship. Does that make any sense? Basically, I'm totally happy-but by habit...or some other unknown reason I am constantly worrying myself with the possibility that one day I will end up all sad and LONELY ( there's that word again). Tonight, it just kind of hit me ( like a brick) that things are actually JUST FINE...and that things are just how they should be for now....I should enjoy this.

I have this friend who I absolutely adore. I watch this friend from a distance, I live through my friends communication with me...their day, their struggles, their victories...and I gotta say, its better than ANY book I've ever read! I find myself getting excited about future days-I sort of see ahead to what I just KNOW God is going to do next...but most of all I wonder if my friend realizes how fantastic TODAY actually was? I wonder if my friend sees the obvious revelations of God in the very circumstances of the day to day? I get the reenactment of the day via email-and i sit, enchanted at my computer....practically opened mouthed....because God is THAT evident.
But, you know what? While I really am thinking of a specific person here, and while I really thought about naming names...I realized that actually the name was completely interchangable. It could just as easily be you.
It could just as easily be me.

I get SO caught up thinking about tomorrow, or even more so...thinking about a TINY portion of today...that I forget to look at what's REALLY there.


Oh Jesus, your fingerprints are all over this one...

Abigail thought it was funny...

On Sunday, during lunch, my parents and I embarked on a little jont into "third person" land.

We did our very best to only speak in third person...and then, when we'd achieved THAT...we stopped using pronouns altogether-which is much harder than you might think.
Anyway, it was beyond hilarious.

And then I thought...

Wow.
My family is so weird. But, at the same time we are SO COOL. We find words infinitely funny.

And speaking of words, today is my Papa's birthday...I was just thinking last night, how I would so like to be like him when I grow up. And how, at this point, words really dont do justice to how great he is.

Peace Like a River...

I sat down to write this post tonight...I was trying to think of how to discribe time with God...and that line from the hymn " It is well with my Soul" came into my head...just that one line:

"when peace, like a river, attendeth my way"

There is something about the Peace of God, it does kinda just ROLL over you like a river...because honestly, I was NOT in the mood to be peaceful ( just ask Carmi, she was the lucky recepient of the "ranting email" )...but then it came...and covered up all the unrest.

And, as is the new constant pattern of my life. I have no great revelation. I have no new miracle cure. I am the same girl. I have the same emotions. I have the same flaws I had an hour ago.
I guess the only difference is that for a moment my eyes have readjusted.


Ok, one more time....

"I'll hang on to you, because you're stronger and you keep me from falling...
And I'll hang on to you, nothing in this world will see me through,
Only you...." ~ Delirious

The Tuesday that dressed up like Monday...

I looooooved having yesterday off from work. It was like the Saturday that never happened. Or something.

But, the problem with having monday off is that Tuesday and Wednesday ( and thursday and friday for that matter) sort of sneak up on you...and work becomes...ummm...stressful.

Or, maybe, its because I'm working really hard on having a new mindset about work? Maybe that's what it is. Its like you are sure as heck going to be attacked on the day you decide to make a change... But, whatever the case-today has been interesting. And in about thirty minutes its going to be REALLY interesting:

I am going to be interviewed on NISDTV.

I dont even know what channel that actually plays on! hahaha! But, MAAAAAN! I've obviously hit the big time.
The thing is, when I got dressed this morning I kinda forgot about the whole "you are going to be on TV today" thing-so, I'm kinda not really looking particularly cute. My hair is actually kinda gross...and I'm wearing my glasses.
Fantastic. Maybe all of these gross factors will make me look "older". More responsible, kinda like "she's obviously so busy working that she doesnt take care of her physical appereance."
Yup, something like that.

I also wrote a newspaper piece on....wait for it....myself. Its fantastic...I quoted myself and everything. You think I'm kidding. I'm not.
Hopefully it'll be in the Daily Sentinel sometime this week...as soon as I get my picture taken.
Honestly, you'd think I was marketing MYSELF today...but its more like, I'm marketing myself for the betterment of the Alumni Association...seeee? it all makes sense now.
You obviously didnt study marketing like I did(nt).

Anyway, I just wanted to say "hi" to my two readers. Or at least the two that commented ( one via email)...I was starting to get sad, since I'd written a good FIVE posts since anyones actually commented....I dont just do this for KICKS people!
( actually I do).

more pictures...

And here is my dining room...



And the Kitchen...with its fold down table, that I never fold "up"...





And then a close up of my totally awesome pantry...if I was a "tidy" person everything would look all lined up and organized...but I'm not. So instead it looks "liveable"...

Labor Day: What I'm laboring over.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table in my PJs drinking Airbourne with Sprite ( woo...its my new favorite anti-cold concoction).

Last night a phone call woke me up at 2:30. I then couldnt get back to sleep until 3:30. I admit I was SO angry at the person that called me ( and hung up before I got to the phone) that I maaaay have sent them a "dont call me at 2:30" text message at 3:30....but to tell you the truth, I feel like it was deserved. Deserved, until I know more details ( the "it was an emergency" reply text does not cut it) ...I think anyone who is friends with me knows how generally calm I am about receiving very untimely phonecalls....most of the time they are from NZ. And I'm pretty nice about them....but there is a LINE. And whenever I feel like something is going to become a HABIT. weelllll....we all know I value my sleep.

So yeah, I slept until 11:45. Which was nice.

So, last night at church I was thinking about something in particular-and i dont know if I'm going to be able to put this into adequate words but I would like to try, so bare with me.

My Spiritual life has hit the most interesting season I think I've ever faced: It is no longer easily discribed. For instance, for most of my life I was able to pinpoint the lessons I was learning at the time...and normally I was able to pinpoint things that I was struggling with in a pretty specific way. But, this isnt really the case anymore....its like I've jumped into a giant pool full of murky waters and I'm suppose to swim around in those murky waters until an undisclosed time.

The Pain. As I like to call it, I honestly dont know what I'm suppose to be learning from this...I mean, I've gotten lots of great encouragment from people, and God has given me so many verses on "He is strong when I am weak" and so on...but I constantly feel....unsettled....when I think about this pain and what I'm suppose to be getting out of it. I mean, am I doing this RIGHT? I wouldnt say me crying yesterday afternoon as "being happy in my weakiness"-and just to make it clear-they werent "Im in so much pain I must cry" tears....I honestly have gotten to a point where I can control THOSE tears...no these were I-am-so-tired-and-discouraged-about-this-I-am-actually-a-tad-angry tears....which, as far as I know arent "holy" tears. So, in a lot of ways I'm in the dark about what I am suppose to be learning...why this is continuing on...and what I should do NEXT.

Relationships. I opened up an envelope that I had put a list of goals that I had back in April. At the time I was trying very hard to put some "rules" and maybe some "definitions" on relationships in general. Yet, as of today...the beginning of September, I know less and less....and I have a feeling its going to become even more so. It is as if I tried to grab something tangible and it turned out to be sand...and the harder I tried to grasp it...its squished out through the cracks in my fingers.
Yes, the end result: I know less....my prayers have become a LOT less about me asking for specific things and me just pleading that I'll make it through with a tinge of self-respect ( though its highly possible I wont get that request! ;-) ).....

My Work. I'm trying to grasp this one big time. I know that I have a loooong way to go before I'll understand where I stand when it comes to my "professional" life...when it comes to my actual intellect and what I am capable of...I feel like I'm years behind everyone I know on this particular front-because I've avoided this side of myself for years...mostly ( possibly ALL) because of fear. Fear that I'd find out that I'm actually not that smart, that I'm actually not talented at all...that Im going to FAIL.
I had NO IDEA that I believed these lies so very much...but after my first month of work has come to an end, I could not avoid that niggling feeling any longer.....I realize that I MUST address this, or I will never achieve anything-no, actually, not true...I will never be able to accept any accomplishment i ever make, and I wont be able to take a compliment...or be happy about my work. I wont be able to do those things unless I actually stomp the lies I've been LIVING neatly into the ground.

So, there you have it....last night I realized how very messed up I really am. It was great.

No, really! It was, because I realized that-more than ever before I know that its going to be ok. And that these struggles...well, its great that I cant define them, I cant put them into a box, I cant even write clearly about them...because now all that sand that has squished through my fingers is right back where it should be...in God's hands. Whew!
No need to worry...this is going to work out.

I'm a mess, but I'm a mess that is a work in progress. Thankfully.

Que Sera Sera

my new favorite song...its on repeat at the moment.

I'm having some of my bible study girls over tonight for a movie night...

At the moment I'm sitting at the kitchen eating Triscuit crackers and chedder cheese, wearing a wife beater and comfy jeans.

I spent most of the day in the car with my sister...I then took a nap and woke up with a sore throat....if she got me ( more) sick, so help me!!

Christa's here....better run!

prayer request!

I'm in a LOT of pain at the moment...probably the worst its been in a month....
I am going to hang out with my brother-in-law tomorrow...Anna is sick too....have to get up at the crack of dawn and drive and I had to take a pain killer-which usually makes me feel funky in the morning.

I covet your prayers tonight. I really do.


Thanks readers.

August Rumble

My cake turned out...and by turned out I mean it was what it was suppose to be...which was a chocolate-peanutbutter-rootbeer-grape-preserves concoction...or as the recipe said:
A RUMBLE.

Woo.

Anyway,the gettogether was a success even though Steve said he was having seconds only because "he was really hungry"....and obviously NOT because the concoction actually tasted good.
Oh well.

*I* didnt make up the rule about "trying something different" ;-)


In other news, at coffee this morning I found out that my father ( and Steve) where Trekies when they were in Seminary. And not only THAT they actually went so far as to go to a StarTrek convention...
And after I had laughed in disbelief and had asked him if I could tell my blog about it-he went even further to say that, yes I COULD talk about it-because it was one of the HIGHLIGHTS of their time living in Dallas.

Honestly.

At least I now know why there wasnt even the slightest bit of HOPE of me being COOL growing up! Dorkiness rules this gene pool. Which explains a LOT about why I like what I like. hehehe.

In other important news, today is the official day of my Football Raffle Drawing. So, thats why I feel sick to my stomache.

We are about to OFFICIALLY loose upwards of six hundred dollars ( that's subtracting the three hundred dollars that *I* personally sold )...honestly, what a lovely way to end the first month at my job :-P

With all sarcasm intended.

But, yes, it is finally over....the longest month in the HISTORY OF MONTHS. I mean, HONESTLY...August has dragged out unto eternity. I was actually thinking of becoming an "end times follower" or something else cult related-because I really did feel like August was IT. And that I would not live to SEE another September.


But, I did.
And I have NEVER EVER been so happy to see September come. What's that annoying song about "when september ends"? or something? Its one of those whiny emo bands...well, anyway....If it had been about August I would have totally bought the CD.

Ok! So, now that I'm through getting that clear about the length of August. I have torn off my August desk calendar... And crumpled it up with great to-do and I am looking at a BEAUTIFUL CLEAN SLATE.
Maybe this month I will actually ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING at work....maybe we'll actually MAKE SOME MONEY instead of Loose it...and MAYBE just MAYBE I wont be in pain for an ENTIRE MONTH.

See? Just modest requests.